introducing myself

Introductions and welcomes.

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HauntedMountain
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:50 pm

introducing myself

Postby HauntedMountain » Fri Sep 13, 2019 8:09 pm

hello all! i've been struggling with depression for longer than i can remember. earlier this year my girlfriend ov 10+ years and i moved out ov the city we've lived in our whole lives, which has ov course added a whole host ov emotional and practical complications. i've never been very social, so i have very few friends, and none locally. while my girlfriend is more social than i am, she doesn't have any local friends yet either. we don't go out very often; it seems like there's always something to do around the house, plus both ov us have social anxiety in varying degrees. because ov this the two ov us are isolated with each other, which is a stressor in itself. right now we're kind ov separated--as much as we can be living in the same house--largely because ov my recurrent behaviour. i strongly suspect that i'm an undiagnosed narcissist, and have begun researching how to change--but that's very new, day before yesterday. i have a long way to go.
i've been repeatedly told that being more social will help me with my depression. i can't bear the thought ov trying to go out and meet people, so i figured i'd join a forum as a first step.

Spleefy
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: introducing myself

Postby Spleefy » Fri Sep 13, 2019 9:58 pm

Hi HauntedMountain,

I used to have anxiety, especially in social settings. I’m not sure if I was born a loner or programmed myself to be via repeated patterns of behavior, such as isolating myself.

People used to tell me that it wasn’t good to isolate myself and that I need to socialize more. I found it exceedingly difficult to do, as the anxiety paralyzed me from even leaving the house at times.

Like you, I spent most of my time with one person. This alleviated the anxiety significantly and made it easier to go out into the public domain and face the world. However, as you have experienced, it became a stressor in itself spending all my time with only one person. We became too dependent on each other.

People kept telling me that I needed to be more social. But because it was too hard for me at the time, I began to embrace my “lonewolf” ways. But this only made socializing all the more harder to do.

I turned to online chat rooms. I met a number of people over the years and formed long lasting friendships with several of them.

I learned that many people online had similar issues to myself, hence why they spent more time speaking to people online than in person.

While it brought comfort to talk to someone other than myself, this became an unhealthy dependency, as I gravitated toward speaking mostly to online people and friends. This further made me avoid people offline.

It wasn’t until, many years later, when I knew I had a problem and so had to break this bad pattern of behavior and replace it with more productive and healthy ones. This wasn't easy at first because the online people formed the bulk of my total friendships. In addition, talking to people online kept me in my comfort zone.

We need a balance, and it is essential to have friends that we can see and feel and hang out with.

I took the first step in breaking out of my comfort zone and socializing and networking with people offline. Once I kept doing this consistently, my confidence grew and socializing became second nature. Anyone would think I’m a social person and never had social anxiety. But that is only because I habituated being social. I will talk to random people in public, even if just to say hi, and even giving them a sincere compliment as a conversation starter. And because I live in the country, it is easy to strike conversations with random people in public.

Just the other day, I went to another small town 20 minutes from where I live. I went with a friend for lunch. We met a couple of people outside one of the establishments in town, where we had lunch, and had a great conversation and laugh.

I still feel completely at ease in my own company or people I am very close to. It is also easy to revert to old patterns of behavior, if I allow it to happen. So I make sure that I do something social most days of the week to avoid falling into my old ways.

Anyway, socializing and having a good network of friends does indeed help depression. It’s great that you said you would join a forum as a “first step.” This is a probably an excellent first step to gaining some confidence talking to people and get the ball in motion. Just don’t make the same mistake I did and make it your ONLY form of social interaction. The relationship dynamics between online and offline is vastly different.

HauntedMountain
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:50 pm

Re: introducing myself

Postby HauntedMountain » Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:31 pm

thank you, Spleefy! socializing is frakly terrifying, but i know i need to do it. baby steps, ust as long as i keep walking, right?

Spleefy
Posts: 240
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:54 am

Re: introducing myself

Postby Spleefy » Sun Sep 15, 2019 5:43 am

I know very well how terrifying it is. I was there. It could take me up to 3 hours just to muster up the courage to leave the house. I couldn’t even walk to the letterbox or take the bins out for collection for a period. Anxiety literally paralyzed me. It is horrible.

But you are on the right track because you’ve got the right mindset. Consistency is key! It is about breaking our patterns of behavior by replacing them with new ones. Socialize as regularly as you can, preferably a bit each day. Keep it small and manageable and build it up over time to add more social interactions as you gain more confidence. You’ll get there. I believe in you.

froggymom
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:47 pm

Re: introducing myself

Postby froggymom » Mon Sep 16, 2019 5:47 pm

Hi Haunted Mountain! I think this a good first step, but be sure to continue to move forward. Do you have a therapist to help you with the process. You can even try an online therapist. Keep reaching out here. There is always someone around to connect with.

HauntedMountain
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2019 7:50 pm

Re: introducing myself

Postby HauntedMountain » Mon Sep 16, 2019 11:49 pm

'ello, froggymom!

i was seeïng a therapist before i moved, but to be perfectly honest, i don't think he was doïng me much good. i found it difficult to start conversations about serious problems, and he didn't push me to. i'm goïng to look for one where i live now, and i hope to do a bit better.

froggymom
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:47 pm

Re: introducing myself

Postby froggymom » Thu Sep 19, 2019 6:49 pm

That's a great positive attitude. Keep up the good work.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: introducing myself

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sat Jun 06, 2020 4:31 am

HauntedMountain wrote:hello all! i've been struggling with depression for longer than i can remember. earlier this year my girlfriend ov 10+ years and i moved out ov the city we've lived in our whole lives, which has ov course added a whole host ov emotional and practical complications. i've never been very social, so i have very few friends, and none locally. while my girlfriend is more social than i am, she doesn't have any local friends yet either. we don't go out very often; it seems like there's always something to do around the house, plus both ov us have social anxiety in varying degrees. because ov this the two ov us are isolated with each other, which is a stressor in itself. right now we're kind ov separated--as much as we can be living in the same house--largely because ov my recurrent behaviour. i strongly suspect that i'm an undiagnosed narcissist, and have begun researching how to change--but that's very new, day before yesterday. i have a long way to go.
i've been repeatedly told that being more social will help me with my depression. i can't bear the thought ov trying to go out and meet people, so i figured i'd join a forum as a first step.

You should be taking advantage of the situation, communicate with your girlfriend. You can get support of this problem by talking to your girlfriend.


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