I don't know

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housecat
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 6:46 pm

I don't know

Postby housecat » Wed Apr 03, 2019 7:36 pm

I am a 30 something year old female, if it somehow helps to know. I have always had a good life without struggle, but I have always been unhappy. I sometimes feel proud to have made it this far, but I am also not sure why I have done so. Life seems to get worse, rather than better, with more responsibilities, less time, and less hope. The main reason that I have not killed myself is guilt. I just don't know if that is really enough of a reason? Are people really content that I just stay around in misery merely to avoid the risk of being selfish and hurting or disappointing people? And should that outweigh the negatives of me existing? I use up resources and feed the sinister machine of commerce. Everything out there encourages people to talk to someone, so that's why I am posting. My friends and family members should not have that weight put on their shoulders, and they will not be able to give useful input. A suicide hotline seems like a great idea for someone in crisis, but I'm not, and even if I were, telephones are a huge barrier for me; I have difficulties making appointments. I have felt unable to contact a counsellor/therapist because they require me to phone them, as well as require the responsibility of me being certain that my insurance properly covers it (I asked if people could contact them for me, bit they didn't). I am also quite sure that talking cannot help. How can talking change anything? The only changes I can make are by myself, but I have tried, and I am tired. Changes would probably need to be drastic, and probably wouldn't work out well. My life is fine, but I dislike society and cannot change it, so what am I supposed to do? Run away and live in the woods? I would be trespassing and would probably get injured, assaulted, or get a miserable disease. That doesn't sound like a great answer. I just don't know how people with actually difficult lives cope at all. Why isn't the suicide rate much higher? I don't know if they are stronger than me, or just never considered it. I am on citalopram, and it helps to take the weight off my shoulders to face day to day life a little better, but I'm not "happier"... if that's really a thing. All people do is distract themselves with mindless nonsense. Is that all there is? I also feel additional pressures recently because I am getting older and should probably have children, but it's expensive, my husband doesn't want children or to be intimate with me, and I'm probably not fit to be a mother. There is no point to my existence. I like the natural world, but I don't know if that's enough to live for. I emigrated to America about ten years ago and I think that made me feel worse, even though I have more, but going home isn't realistic, and I was sad before I moved anyway. Well, that's all I have to say. Don't worry about me, I probably won't kill myself, and it's not your place to worry. I apologise for wasting people's time with this (probably badly written) post. There is no obligation to try and help me. Please forward any such energy to helping someone else instead. Just reaching out because that's what I am supposed to do. Thank you for your time.

NoniCr8
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Mar 28, 2019 5:01 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby NoniCr8 » Wed Apr 03, 2019 9:05 pm

You struck a chord with me because you sound a LOT like me...down to the citalopram...Except my husband does want children and I have the same fears of being an unfit mother because of my mental illness. I wish I could give you advice but I'm pretty much in the same boat and have a lot of the same questions as you...there are 3 pieces of advice I can give you that help me through...
1. Keep writing, I've found it to be somewhat theraputic.
2. Talking to a therapist can help in that they can teach you cognitive therapy, that as pointless as it seems at first actually does make a difference over time.
3. Talk to your Dr. About maybe adding another medication.
I know it's hard to make phone calls and keep appointments , I basically have to force myself but a lot of times you can make appointments and talk to people online, I've also thought about trying acupuncture as I've heard it helps...
Anyway good luck soul sister...I'm sending you my love.

housecat
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 6:46 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby housecat » Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:31 pm

Thank you. It's odd to find someone that relates. When I have tried to talk to people about having children, they seem to have never considered it beyond the feeling of wanting them or not... as though it were trivial, rather than a life changing decision that stretches beyond myself.
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I suppose I am lucky that the decision is down to me and I am not experiencing any external pressures. It seems that my husband will go along with my decision either way, but knowing that he'd rather not does make the idea of having them a little extra daunting, particularly if I do find parenting really difficult.

I think I know that I should at least try therapy. I did research but lost momentum when I reached out for help in making and appointment and nothing came of it. I also resented the idea of paying someone to listen to me, me whining about my easy life, my knowing that opening up to people almost never seems to help, and knowing that therapy can't really fix anything... Although I know they can't give me magical answers, I suppose it would be nice to have some coping mechanisms, or even some tips on harnessing more enthusiasm. It's just disheartening and tiring to consider that no matter what, depression and anxiety are probably always going to be a factor in my life.

HeatherBliss
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:59 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby HeatherBliss » Thu Apr 04, 2019 9:37 pm

Hi and welcome to the group. I sense you're going through a difficult time right now and you have lots of raw emotions and different thoughts running through your mind. I know you said that you usually aren't comfortable speaking on the telephone but would you be willing to try again?

There is a center that I'm very familiar with that offers free counseling assistance over the phone and would be able to direct you to local centers in your area that either accept your insurance or provide services free of charge. You can probably just walk in and not have to call for an appointment. The people over at the crisis line are non-judgmental and very helpful. Please try to give them a call. I'm concerned about your present situation and believe they will be able to guide you. The number to reach one of the counselors is, 855-382-5433.

I wish I could give you more, but for now I'm going to be praying that you feel better and hoping that you decide to reach out to them. Your life is a gift and is far too valuable not to cherish each and every moment. I trust the days ahead for you will be brighter. Be encouraged my friend -- there is much is store for you. Blessings! :)

housecat
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 6:46 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby housecat » Fri Apr 05, 2019 12:52 pm

I definitely appreciate the input.

...I don't know how to mention this point without making you feel bad or seeming to glorifying suicide, but if life is a gift, and my body could save several other lives as an organ donor, is it really a wrong thing to do? I am not the sort to make any rash decisions, so don't feel concerned, but these aren't new questions for me.
...I realise these issues are almost certainly too much to burden people on a public forum with.

housecat
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 6:46 pm

Re: I don't know

Postby housecat » Fri Apr 05, 2019 6:54 pm

I reached out to crisis helpline, they can receive contact via text / messaging instead of telephones and in person visits.


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