Introduction-Depression

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Nellie
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2018 10:15 am

Introduction-Depression

Postby Nellie » Mon Mar 05, 2018 10:52 am

Hi, I woke up this morning and thought, Oh hell, another miserable day. I have been depressed off and on most of my life. Since 2016, I can't seem to get out of it. I just sit and watch TV all day every day. I am not living. I am existing. The final straw for me was last year when I lost my younger brother. He was also my best friend. He wasn't sick. He had a stroke and was gone. I wished it could have been me instead. We talked about dying. I always told him that I wanted to be first so I wouldn't have to be left with the pain. I never knew pain could be this bad! I went to him with every problem that I had. Now I am alone. I feel lost. I look around my house and need to do so much, but I don't. Then I hate myself for not being able to handle death like other people do. They go on living their life. I stopped. Why can't I move on. I don't have any energy. I just want to sleep. I am letting everything go. I hate me. Nellie

mamamoon26
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 12:39 am

Re: Introduction-Depression

Postby mamamoon26 » Tue Mar 06, 2018 12:50 am

Hi Nellie, like you I've had depression most of my life. As long as I can remember and I'm 31 now. Everyone grieves in their own way and depression makes it so much worse. Sometimes sleeping is the best alternative to being awake because you're asleep and you don't have to deal with what you're feeling. Recently, I had a baby so my depression became even worse, to the point I wanted to just lay in bed and cry. So I got a double dose of depression (what I usually deal with plus post partum depression on top of it). I went to get medication for it, which makes most days pretty good for me while others are bearable. While there isn't a cure, you can go to get medicine. I know there is a stigma with anti-depressants but it helped me escape from the hell I was constantly going through. It's a mental prison without a key. I would suggest you go do the same(getting medicine). I'm not saying this will cure you but it could help you feel better. It takes about a month to have a full effect. I truly do hope you're able to get help.

nightingale77
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 am

Re: Introduction-Depression

Postby nightingale77 » Wed Mar 07, 2018 3:34 am

Hi Nellie, sorry about your brother. It must have been very very hard for you. When someone whom we are really closed to pass on, they usually leave a void in our heart. But I always believe that this void needs to be fill up with all the beautiful memories that they had left behind. I’m sure you and your brother shared many precious moments together. Let that be your motivation to live and hopefully leave a legacy that is special to the both of you. But please know that you are allowed to grief for as long as you want to. Do not let anyone tell you to get over it or get on with your life. Not yet until you are ready. I do suggest you see a counsellor or a therapist about how to cope when grieving. Talking about your brother will help you to process too. Praying for you. God bless!

Nellie
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2018 10:15 am

Re: Introduction-Depression. mamamoon26 and nightingale77

Postby Nellie » Sun Mar 11, 2018 4:48 pm

Sorry that it took me so long to get back here. The date of my brother’s death is getting closer and I am having a really hard time with it. Doing a lot of sleeping and taking more Xanax than I am prescribed. I am trying not to feel. I am 66 years old. I have been in therapy since the 80s for depression and anxiety. I see a phychiatrist for meds, Xanax and Neuontin. I see a psychologist every two weeks to talk. I have tried every antidepressant out there and always get side effects so I can’t take them. My father drowned when I was five years old leaving my mother with four kids to raise. My brother was 6, I was 5, my sister 3, and the brother I lost was 13 months. Six months later my grandmother died. She was my mother’s mother so we moved into my grandfathers house. My mother had no skills to get a job so that gave us a place to live. One less worry for my mother. The street we lived on was full of great people. Unfortunately a lot of them were older people. With them and some uncles and my grandfather dying, it seemed a lot of My childhood was spent at the funeral home. My mother took care of my grandfather for a year in the house we lived in for a year while he died of lung cancer. He left the house to my mother so she didn’t have to worry about that but she did have to pay other bills and feed and clothe us. When my youngest brother was in school, she got a job as a waitress. Some times she worked two jobs. Her main focus was taking care of her kids and she did. She didn’t even date until I was around 20 years old. She met a man who she loved, but that only lasted a couple of years. He was cheating on her so she ended it and never dated again. She found a better job with benefits and a pension around 1970 working until she was 65. She is 92, healthy, and lives by herself in a retirement apartment building. The hardest thing is kids had to do was tell her when my brother died. He was her baby and it broke her heart. She doesn’t want to live anymore. We take care of her if she needs something but we can’t give her the will to live back. She was my role model and the strongest woman I ever knew. I watched her lose all of her family except for one brother she has left. I wish I had more of her strength. These last few years have been filled with death. My son’s girlfriend who he was engaged to shot and killed herself. He has lost friends to cancer. My other son has lost a couple of friends to cancer. All of them young men. I loved my son’s girlfriend like she was my own daughter. That year my husband and I lost 3 very close friends too. I ended up with a stomach ulcer from constant crying and taking Vicodin on an empty stomach because I wasn’t eating. I was taking the Vicodin to numb my brain so I wouldn’t feel the pain. Got addicted to them. I did get off of them and can’t take them anymore if I wanted to because they hurt my stomach. I have just had so much death growing up that It hits me so hard now. My shrink said when I lose someone that I love now, all the pain from my childhood deaths come back along with the pain from the new death. Since I can’t take any antidepressants, I am on my own to deal with the depression. My husband is slowly dying from being sprayed with Agent Orange when he was in Vietnam in the early 70s. It is destroying his heart, lungs, kidneys, and bones. There is no cure. He is in constant pain and in and out of the hospital for problems breathing. He needs surgery on his hip and knee but his heart which is only working at 25% wouldn’t make it through the surgery. Plus the doctor said those bones are crumbling. I don’t see any way out of being depressed. This is probably too long. I will understand if it doesn’t get posted. Nellie

j2415
Posts: 28
Joined: Thu Jun 01, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Introduction-Depression

Postby j2415 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 10:23 am

Hi Nellie- I'm so sorry that you are going through this. We are here and we care for you.
I want to encourage you to grieve, you are going through a lot and grieving will help you to cope and heal. Cry if you need to, it will help you to release that pain that you are experiencing right now.

I hope you will not give up, things may look overwhelming right now, but I have faith, no matter how difficult the situation is, the brighter day will come if we keep going. It cannot be stormy forever, the sun will always shine after the rain. I hope you will not lose hope and you will feel better soon. Please keep us posted. I pray that you will have peace as you go through this season. Take care and God bless.


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