Okay

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Anacites
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:22 pm

Okay

Postby Anacites » Tue Apr 04, 2017 3:29 am

Here are the good stuff:
I am a college student, I am graduating in a few months. This next sentence is a pretty long list- and a run on sentence at that, so please forgive me. I compose piano and I am a bronze tier nationalist (2013). I lead my school's improv troupe, and I am currently preparing the next leader of improv. Back in my glory days (which was, like, 4 years ago) I was a peer leader in my high school. I have autism (diagnosed at 12) and ADHD (diagnosed at 6). I play videogames (Like a looooser). Also I record stories and sing, and people say I have an amazing voice for storytelling. There is a lot of other stuff to say, but you get the idea.

Here is the bad stuff (It's pretty long and possibly triggering):
I am graduating in a few months, and I don't feel like I am prepared. Originally, I went to college because I thought I wanted to become a special ed teacher, but after realizing how unprepared I was (by my 3rd year nonetheless), I realized that I actually went to college to make my parents happy. Though my college is an undergraduate in liberal arts and science (A general degree), I can't help but feel I wasted my life here when I could have been working at a minimum wage job, enjoying life and the people around me. When I said that I wanted to work at my hometown grocery store when I graduated from school "for a bit" after I graduated, my father responded with "If you wanted to work at a grocery store, why did you go to college in the first place?". That is what really broke me. I couldn't bring myself to say that "I did it because you wanted me to.". I understand that my parents love me very much, and they are helping me progress through college because they think it will make me happy- I told them earlier that I wanted to become a teacher. Telling them my feelings now would break their heart- especially since they have helped me so much. I don't know what would happen to me. I can understand how homosexual people feel about coming out to their parents. My parents love me, but I don't want to hurt them, or be kicked out of the family. I feel that when I graduate, I'll end up living my life in misery; trying my best to live up to my parents expectations of me, and setting aside my own happiness.

For the past 7 months at my university it was raining- almost daily. For the past 4 days, it has been sunny and nice- albeit a bit windy. Since it started being sunny, I've started crying on and off. During my school's cabaret, I had to leave because I was feeling so miserable. I almost burst into tears in my class, and usually go to bed incredibly depressed. I've started considering suicide more seriously, since I've been feeling worse and worse about my situation.

Because it isn't just one thing, is it? Depression is a collection of issues; loneliness, stress, relationship issues, health issues, insecurities- the works. I rarely talk to my parents since I am terrified of what they will think, I don't talk to many people anymore or go to social events because simply being there makes me depressed. Yes I am a leader of my school's improv group, but that is one of places that I can truly connect with people. Outside of that, I'm clingy, overbearing, overexcitable, and just otherwise too much and too nice for people. Those previous issues are some of the main reasons I have lost a lot of love interests and friends.
========

Anyways, I'm joining this chat site since I am out of options. I've tried talking to people about it, but since I'm so hard to get to, I end up making them frustrated. I'm seeing a counselor this Thursday, and I'm usually online since I have no one to talk to (anymore- you should have seen me in high school). Feel free to make fun of my autism, my looks, my teeth (they look horrible), and basically anything else you can make fun of me for. No one else can make me more upset than I already am. For sure, dawg.

Yours,
Anacites

froggymom
Posts: 19
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:47 pm

Re: Okay

Postby froggymom » Tue Apr 04, 2017 3:20 pm

It sounds like you are an amazing person and have been blessed with many wonderful talents. An education is never a waste even if you don't use the exact degree you started out with. When I went to college I majored in science. I was planning to do research in botany and took many classes in the field in preparation for a research job. I never got to do any research once I graduated. I actually found myself teaching science to 5th and 6th graders. I never had any desire to be a teacher, but somehow God knew where I belonged. I absolutely loved teaching and never regretted a day of my teaching career. I'm glad you are going to sit down with a counselor to help you sought out your options. I will pray for you that God lead you to your path in life as He did me. In the meantime keep being amazing.

User avatar
Justyaaveraggurl
Posts: 14
Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2017 9:26 am

Re: Okay

Postby Justyaaveraggurl » Sat Apr 08, 2017 1:42 pm

I agree, you sound like a very talented person, that's been blessed with many gifts. You also sound like a person who may be at a cross road in their life, and may just need to take some time off from everything just to rest. It's not just physical rest we need but also psychological and emotional. Definitely do not look at your life as wasted for going to college. Their will always be advantages, opportunities and open doors to you just for having a college degree no matter what field it's in. You may not see that now but you definitely will as you get older. I suggest that you take some time to pursue the things you like. If your parents really love you unconditionally, they will understand and will support your desire to simply take some time off to rest. Every one can understand that concept and the older we are the more we do. It's good that you are seeing a counselor. Being an overachiever has it's benefits but sometimes it can be a symptom of something deeper that may be going on. Keep sharing with us, we would love to hear more.


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