New Member - Hello

[whyme87]

I'm a 29 year old musician and artist from New England, USA. My depression began when I was very young. I've struggled with it all of my self-conscious life. As a child I absolutely hated going to school, it made me so angry and sad inside and I couldn't understand why I was being forced to do something I hated so much. It didn't help that my schools were all under-staffed and poorly funded. Because the issue of my depression was never properly addressed or confronted, it got a lot worse in my adolescence.

Throughout my teens I used drugs to numb all of the negative emotions that I felt. By my 18th birthday I was addicted to heroin and living day-to-day. During the summer after I graduated high school while my friends were out having fun, I was bouncing between rehab facilities and staying in drug dens (usually decrepit tenement / boarding houses in Boston). I'll never forget how I felt the first time I ever had nowhere to go home to, and slept right on the street with some other addicts. During that time I experienced some truly awful things in the underworld of heroin addicts & dealers. Because of a couple of particular incidents involving guns and knives that happened during that time, I suffer from PTSD as well as depression.

In January 2007 I finally got myself together and got on a drug treatment program and got clean of all drugs. Here I am ten years later, and I don't do drugs anymore (!), and I feel I should be happy--or at least content--about that accomplishment, but I'm not. All I can do is look back at what I lost during those years, or I think about what I could've done better. I lost so many things and the friendship of many people, and it was so important to me. Since only 10% of heroin addicts successfully recover, I should feel lucky, but I don't.

Also in 2007, I moved to a new town hoping to start afresh. My problems only followed me here; as the saying goes, "wherever you go there you are." Since then I haven't done anything noteworthy. Looking back, moving away from my hometown actually made my depression worse! Once I got settled in here I realized I had no friends here, most back home had either died of drug overdose or had written me off as a junkie (regardless of my sobriety). Indeed, it was quite a shock to my system going from having lots of friends and people to talk to, to having absolutely no one. Worse still, I've developed social anxiety during the ten years I've been living here, and it's making it even harder to make friends or meet a girl. I'm a musician and an artist, and I've tried to use that as a way to meet people and help my depression, but so far it's only gotten me into trouble. Unfortunately a lot of musicians love to party, and nearly every group I've tried joining has been rife with drug & alcohol abuse. On the other hand, my old friends who never did drugs have all written me off as a junkie. There's so much stigma surrounding drug addiction that I've resorted to keeping it secret from as many people as possible.

For a few years, I worked my program to help repair the damage I'd done to my brain while on drugs, and for a while I felt like I was making progress. However over the past two years, my depression has consumed me. I don't leave the house unless I have to, I hardly talk to anyone, I don't work because I can't, and I barely play music anymore--something that used to be my life. Never in my life have I ever felt so alone and hopeless, like I'm on the outside looking in. I'll talk to people now & then in public--just in passing--and I hear people talk about their family, friends, children, husbands, wives, etc., and I envy them. I find myself in envy of even the most mundane of lives. After a lot of soul-searching and writing in my journal, I realized that I've always wanted to be somebody else than myself. I've always tried to reinvent myself in hopes that it would somehow change me into the kind of person I want to be; someone who isn't so depressed and tired all the time.

Anyway, that's about the size of it. Of course there's more--a LOT more--but that's the gist. I'm 29, I'm depressed, I have no friends (no exaggeration), and I haven't had a romantic relationship in five years. I live alone in my parents' basement. I can't keep a job because of my depression. I stay inside so much that I'm now developing some agoraphobic tendencies as well. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope; I feel like an old dishcloth that's been rung-out too many times. I realize this isn't exactly a very happy introduction, but after all, that's why I'm here. Forums have helped me in the past with my drug and medication-related issues, so I'm hoping that maybe this forum can help my depression. Every bit counts! *One final note: for those of you concerned, I am currently seeing a counselor and going to groups weekly, and I'm also currently in the process of getting to see a psychiatrist for the first time in 8 years.

I wish the best for all of you.

[ahhope4u]

I am so sorry this is happening, but kudo's to reaching out and trusting, especially since it has helped in the past. It is a quiet unobtrusive way to connect, and most of the forums are helpful. It is never easy to lose our song, but my faith has helped bring it back and I will be praying for yours.. You are far ahead of most people in having pursued the music, on a more professional level.
Most of us still just dream and when no one is looking, break out the air guitar, or the pretend mike. Perhaps there are other ways to make your music- teach lessons, skype lessons- church choirs- local groups - kids groups- communities usually has a boys and girls type club- always looking for vounteers, Senior groups and residences too. It takes some poking around, but music never dies, and it is always a big part of us, and it sounds like a big part of your resiliency. I am glad you found a counsellor, and don't feel so bad recovery is a life long process not a specific point on our journey, there will always be reminders of guilt from within our thoughts and from the outside world, but with diligence and practise in recognizing the self sabatoge and reminders we can drown it out like ZZ top drowns out a whisper, (or whoever your tastes run too) Blessings

[OneOfThem]

You gotta see the things you accomplished already first of all. Got lots of stuff behind you, still hanging in. If you're nothing else, you're resilient. That's a good start. Yes you could have done things differently, yes you would have had a different experience... but the fact of the matter is: you didn't. What you did though was noticing a problem and fighting it. All the right steps.

What kind of music are you into and which instruments are you playing? Personally I only really tried playing the guitar but I felt like I'm missing 2 sets of extra hands and about 5 fingers on every one of them...
That's why I envy musicians or real artists in general.

[Helloraspberries1]

Hi there and welcome to the forums

I just read your story and I'm sorry to hear what's happened. Sounds like you had alot to deal with. Can I ask if your in a better place now?

I have never been through what you have so I won't understand how you feel but I know addiction can be hard. It's not something you can just give up. It takes time. I have depression and know what's it like with that. Do you see a doctor or counsellor? Would that help? I hated school too lol.

I'm glad to hear you did get the help you needed for this. Whether if it was from family or making a change its got to where you wanna be today hopefully and now know you made things better. Again your problems won't just go away. It's a long term thing.

Do you have family? Are they supportive? You said you into music. That's really good that you got something to always go back to and I'm glad it helps. Sounds like that's got you through this too. Do you play with other people?

Good to hear from you

Hugs

Helloraspberries

[Helloraspberries1]

Also sorry, have you thought about reading on other people's experiences with addiction and how they got through with it? Is that an interest for you? Maybe looking up on famous celebrities who went through drug addiction and read what they went through. It can help sometimes to have a role model who's been there to look up to.

I hope that helps

[Meechie]

This is not copied and pasted but directed to you...

I too am in recovery from heroin addiction..again, after numerous relapses. have been dealing with this most of my life with very brief periods of peace. But this is the worst I have ever been. There seems to be something missing between my heart and my brain. No connection. My spirituality is gone and I am barley hanging on to my Faith in God...but even with that, I still feel hopeless and doomed. I used to love art & to create. I was a music FANATIC. Not creating it, but listening to it & going to live shows all the time. Now that passion does not even interest me. I used to despise TV but now I only watch TV and play stupid phone games because it is the only thing that keeps my mind from thinking about my misery for a few seconds at a time. I also did a couple of geographic with the same results you had, only I relapsed on my last one. Are you involved in a 12 step group? I'm here if you want to talk or message me.

This is copied & pasted from my introduction post because I don't have the energy to type it again. Sorry....

Hi there...I just joined this site. Even the idea of typing on here, much less introducing myself and "my situation" seems exhausting. My story is so long and in depth but the fact is, I don't even have the energy to write it even though I am SO DESPERATE to not feel this way anymore. I had to quit my job because I can't function. I can't shower or clean my house. I can't get out of bed. After years of battling addiction, depression, and the medication merry-go-round, I feel totally hopeless and can't fathom living my life this way much longer. I have no money. I tried to start an online business in order to make money but it is failing because I don't have the funds to market it properly. I could go on and on but it is so draining. I thought I would try this...mostly because I can do it from my bed and because I feel so alone. Bills piling up, friends tired of my complaining and negativity....I am miserable. I manage to feed my cat and that's about it. I can't even eat anymore. Maybe it would be nice if I could find someone to befriend & communicate with. My poor self esteem is telling me nobody really wants to hear my sob story or cares though. Especially strangers. I'm tired. I'm drained. I feel hopeless. I am alone. I live over an hour away from civilization with a car that barely runs and almost zero cell signal...even if I wanted to talk or go somewhere, which I don't. I am also finding that I am gaining almost a phobia of people or leaving the house. I am in a fog.

My name is Michelle.