new user; untreatable MDD, agoraphobic, GAD, panic attack therapist

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enter_the_void
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Oct 22, 2016 4:08 pm

new user; untreatable MDD, agoraphobic, GAD, panic attack therapist

Postby enter_the_void » Sat Oct 22, 2016 4:21 pm

llthere are too many of us. it is overwhelming to leave the house. i as so ashamed...i believe in self-determination, and am not afraid of dying. it is the guilt of ruining my parent's lives. i've been a clinical social worker for 16 years. i have tried everything except ECT. i hate myself even more in that i am attractive. at one point, to try to escape the world of consistently thinking about mental health, i submitted pictures to a modeling agency--they signed me immediately, yet I could not follow through with it. i am 36. my first depressive episode was age 7. i have seen horrible things as a clinical social worker, so i hate the idea of even expressing these thoughts as i have a roof over my head, decent credit, etc. i am rambling. i found a therapist after trying dozens of them and psychiatrists since 12. one, i had to privately pay, helped. i reached out to her and she did not call me back. i tried again, on her cell--same response. i have tried my own exposure therapy, with tiny visits to the grocery store, but it has become too much. i am not in crisis...i was a crisis counselor. i quit my job almost 3 months ago and i am forcing myself out of bed now. the desire to self-medicate is frequent. i resist. holding these feelings in, only makes it more transparent, when my mother calls, and i refuse to see them, as i do not want to show any signs of suffering, i feel more guilt, but they both have their health issues, and i don't want to panic/cry/etc. in their prescence. my hope is by reaching out, just expressing how i feel, taking it one moment at a time, may offer some reprieve in the fact that i'm at least writing again and/or doing something consistently. just getting this out is exhausting. enough for now. thanks for any feedback.

sparks
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Dec 13, 2016 1:46 pm

Re: new user; untreatable MDD, agoraphobic, GAD, panic attack therapist

Postby sparks » Tue Dec 13, 2016 5:54 pm

Hi

I have just joined the forum and am really sad to see that you posted this so long ago and haven't had any responses.

I hope you are feeling better since you posted this. I can see that your work must have given you a perspective on suffering which is always good, and having perspective is obviously important -- but you are currently unable to live your life because of mental health issues. That is suffering. Telling yourself you're not having a hard time is unlikely to help you and will probably make you feel worse, I think. Panic attacks on their own are torturous, debilitating and can be seriously life limiting as you know. I really hope you've had help to get food and do other important things when you've needed it.

I also hope you've had friends to help you through this time and are getting support from a suitable therapist again. Best wishes


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