Introducing...

[sk35]

Hi Everyone!

I guess I should say a little something about myself. So, here it goes. I'm a 35 year old woman who has been depressed for most of her life. I've been to many therapists over the years and have tried many different corrective medications but for the most part, my depression is better managed without medication. Problem is, as soon as you tell this to a therapist they don't wish to meet with you weekly any more to just discuss your problems. Everything just seems to be about medicating. That's fine and I'm okay with that but that only works for some people. I just need people to hear me so it doesn't feel like "I'm screaming in the dark." - That is what depression feels like to me. I see this group chat as a way to satisfy that need to talk about my illness with other like-minded people.

I've been diagnosed and treated for OCD, manic depression and severe depression in the past. The manic depression seemed to ebb away almost all together once I hit puberty. The OCD did minimize somewhat once I hit puberty as well but I find I still have some 'ticks' that have remained. Severe clinical depression, however, seems to have stayed with me and been a constant my whole life. Some days are harder than others. Some days are a real breeze. Some days are a real battle. I basically manage my illness on a day-to-day basis.

I'm in an enduring relationship with someone. We recently bought a house together and I should feel really good about my life, but I don't. I know it is chemical. I try to discuss this with him and it ends up in a fight or with him thinking I'm not happy with him. I know that there is a very high likelihood that I'm going to lose him and that upsets me. Out of fear of that, I keep my feelings bottled up inside until they get to a point where I am ready to just lose it. I have a meltdown about once every six months and then I can continue going on, putting a happy face on things and pretending that I'm not falling apart inside. Things are getting to a point where I feel he is slipping away and I might have to deal with him going all together. I find in life that my illness has cost me many friends and even some family members have had it with me.

I am employed in two job by choice, not by obligation. I have quite a bit of student loan debt that I'm trying to pay off and I want to pay it off early so I can continue travelling the world and experiencing new things. I am happy with my life and contented. I'm not working in the field I was trained in but that has a lot to do with me and not the opportunities I've been afforded in life. I could start my own business and want to do this but there are so many risks in that and so I'm happy with things the way they are.

In my free time, I create "things" through a variety of means. I paint. I used to make and sell jewelry. I've even dabbled in photography after I attended a workshop on the subject. I've also done some blogging.

Um, I guess that's it. I'm going to enjoy this new experience and I know it will be a positive one. Feedback welcome.

[Doogie]

Hi sk35.

Welcome!

I'm not sure I can add anything insightful into your depression that hasn't already been discussed.

As for talking to your partner, sometimes it's difficult for people to talk about their feelings and emotions...especially for men. We are raised not to, so it's an area we are not particularly good at. Perhaps a different approach on talking to him would work? Changing the delivery can sometimes make all the difference in communication.

[sk35]

I agree with what you said. Men are sometimes not good with understanding feelings or emotions or where they come from. What is interesting is that he has battled depression before and has his own method of dealing with it which basically included diving into him career and finding joy from that. He keeps trying to get me to retrain and enter a different career as a source of joy for me. Just the thought of going back to University after all the debt I've accumulated in the past from going to school and all the debt I'm still trying to pay off, is just a source of added stress for me. I'm not an old woman but I am older and at this stage changing careers is not something I'm very interested in. I'm comfortable and I feel safe for now. No need to rock the boat.

We did talk about things last night and he is starting to understand that the problem is me and not him. The solution isn't a change in career or to retrain for a new career. The solution is that I have to constantly and consciously work every day to feel good about myself and to minimize the negative thoughts that constantly pour into my head. Some days that takes more work and others not so much. I have him starting to realize many things about my illness and now I feel like he is starting to become a partner in the maintenance of my illness.

[Doogie]

Unless you really don't like what you are doing, then a change like that just to see if it helps is a pretty big undertaking. In the end though, only you can decide what would be good for you.

Glad to hear you had a conversation with him and managed to get some understanding. The biggest problem in relationships is that unless there is communication, then your just making assumptions on what the other person wants and needs; which can be very opposite in nature. It's best to have the conversation and let each other know what you need...even if you think it's trivial in nature.

Staying positive is a big part of it. It's often to easy to dwell on things which only makes you feel worse. I'm sure you probably have heard of it, but they call it Rumination. I'm bad for it...my mind never shuts off and I find when I'm alone and idle then that's when I start thinking about all the negative things that have happened.