Disconnect Wherever I Go

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longing4direction
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Jan 31, 2014 4:31 pm

Disconnect Wherever I Go

Postby longing4direction » Fri Jan 31, 2014 4:54 pm

Hi everyone

This is my first post and I have been struggling with depression, bipolar, ADHD, PTSD and the whole nine. I guess I am all around screwed up. The only thing in my life that is going "right" for now is the job that I haven't managed to screw up yet, which is a substitute library clerk (I enjoy this job). I have been in foster care since I was eight, and got adopted by a lady, who threw me out when I was eighteen, not teaching me any ways to take care of myself, and then I got adopted again, by a guy this time, and he was very understanding of my problems and did the best he could with me, but he recently got sick (stroke) and now he is in a nursing home, and I am living somewhere I do not want to live, even though a women's shelter isn't much of a better alternative either. My boyfriend (I wonder if that's what it is anymore really because half the time, I don't feel like it's a relationship and we live in the same house) and I cannot get along, no matter what. I am always the blame (According to him) for things going wrong. I am the screw-up and he's perfect. I tried to tell him that I have a problem, but all he says is "everyone has problems" and doesn't really take me seriously, which frustrates me even more. He says I deliberately do things (my mood swings) when honest to God, I have done my best to get a handle on them. I tried to get in groups (not depression kinds but just groups from church) and I cannot seem to connect with them; so much that I just got a phone call today, saying in so many words that I am not welcomed to their group anymore and suggested that I join other groups. No the person didn't say that outright but I am not stupid. I can tell when someone is basically telling me to "F" off and don't come back. I can't even connect with people at my job, as much as I love my job. As I watch my other co-workers gather around, watching whatever video or exchanging family photos of one another, I look at myself, feeling extremely left out and like a loser. All I am good for is to work with and nothing else, and part of me is weirdly okay with that. Depression has came and went in my life and right now, I feel that depression has come back with a vengeance. I have a hard time getting out of bed, bathing, and doing simple tasks. I had to 'force' myself to go to the gym today, but was glad I did it, but still feel yucky, fat and repulsive. My moods are extremely unstable (ultradian cycle is the best way to describe it), and I have an appointment on the 11th of next moth for a psychiatric evaluation to see if those conditions earlier listed are still there, since it has been years that I have sought help. My relationship is affected to where I can't trust him or anyone for that matter. I have a very difficult time connecting with people, no matter how hard I try. I feel like an odd ball, and it just makes me feel more like it's better that I be alone. A few days ago, I wish I was dead and was thinking of a way to make it happen. I hope I can find a way to connect with some of you here. Thanks to those who took the time to read this. After reading it, I realize how stupid I sound, but I'll just have to take my chances and hope that I can find people who can relate to the hell I am going through right now.

fallen
Posts: 264
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:04 am

Postby fallen » Fri Jan 31, 2014 9:30 pm

how does anything that you wrote sound stupid ?
you are hurting and it is always a good idea to talk to people about that, to unburden your self , it is cathartic.
i am glad you are going to see your pychiatrist , i hope you find some answers there.
know that i care and there are many people on here who care too.
if you are feeling the need to talk because of feeling suicidal there are crisis lines , and the people on there are very kind and will happily talk to you .
take care

siadamia
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jan 27, 2014 9:33 am

Postby siadamia » Sat Feb 01, 2014 2:30 am

no one can go back and change his/her past .. but any body can start a new journey from where he/she is right now.
u r going to meet a pshychiatrist.. this itself denote that YOU WANT TO LIVE A SUCCESSFUL LIFE AHEAD..
just follow your mind.. as u know where to go..
forget about your past.. your bad experiences .. your failure's.. it all goes far away from u now..
i know it is not that easy to do as it seems..
but it is also not an impossible task ..
if u feel lazy to go to gym.. then think about the benefits that u will get after doing that..
also take care of your diet..
and don't compare yourself with others..
show them that u r strong enough to handle yourself.. !!
good luck and take care


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