New here, not new to depression

[Lori678]

I was first diagnosed with MDD in 1992. Had my worst depressive episode in 2010, which resulted in a suicide attempt. Since then, I've been on the same medication, and it's worked well for me. I do have a dip during the winter, but because I live in a fairly warm climate with a short winter, that helps.

This year has been different.

I had a bad experience last year with work. Long story, but it brought up the intense feelings of failure that were the last straw for me in 2010, and it really set me back. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out it was the connection to 2010 that was affecting me.

Since then, I've talked to people at work and let them know I'm not going to accept this. For the first time, I disclosed my condition to my boss and HR, and have said, "The way I'm being treated here is making things worse, and it needs to change." They seem as though they genuinely want to be supportive.

However, it's not like everything is within their power. There are certain really dumb things this place does that do not mesh with my values. The fact that they don't value quality or attention to detail or following industry best practices is all so frustrating to me, as those are all the things I'm typically in charge of and what I excel at. But the worst of it was applying for a new role within the company--one I've actually held in the past--and not even being granted an interview for it. The reason: My similar experience was "too long ago." That basically means that nothing I have done professionally more than five years ago counts for anything here. And I've worked here for four years, in a position that's a couple of levels below where I've been previously. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't be taken seriously no matter what I do.

I have been looking for another job and submitting applications, but you know the job market is bad, plus I have zero enthusiasm for any of these roles. My confidence and my attitude are both in the toilet. I've seen a career counselor--she redid my resume and gave me a bunch of advice on searching for jobs, but that doesn't help my confidence. I have a regular therapist; I think right now she's confused about where my confidence went, because it was definitely okay when I first started seeing her a year ago. My psychiatrist is so booked up that I can't see her for another couple of weeks, and I know we need to do something about my med, but I'm already above the maximum dosage allowed and we can't go any higher. I'm so angry that this freaking job has put me in the position of possibly needing to change meds, and the last time I tried that was 2008-2010, which is what almost killed me. I do not want to go through that again.

I hate working. I hate what I do. I hate that I can't do what I'm best at, because even though that's not fun either, at least I'm good at it so it keeps me from feeling completely worthless. I feel like my skills are not transferable, and there's nothing else I'm qualified for.

I didn't expect to be on this road again, and I'm angry.

[DeeBear]

Hi Lori678,
I've been in a similar situation myself and I know how it makes you feel. Hopefully this forum will hel!
Take care,
D

[alicebobby]

Hello Lori678
Since I've experienced something similar myself, I understand how you feel. I'm hoping this forum can help!
Be careful,  tunnel rush 

[farare]

Embarking on a new journey, whether it be in a physical or virtual space, can evoke a myriad of emotions. For those who have battled with depression, the prospect of navigating uncharted territories can Geometry Dash be both exhilarating and daunting. In the online community, where anonymity often reigns, individuals find solace in sharing their struggles and triumphs. This article explores the intersection of the new and the familiar, as those not new to depression navigate the unexplored landscapes of online platforms.

[Fernandez]

Welcome to this forum

[Panina]

Also new to this forum. Trying different things. Also not new to depression. It’s really nice to see for the first time my feelings/ experiences reflect or somewhat resemble others. Little less lonely now. Thx so much for being honest and brave.

[otis]

Share your current feelings and experiences with your therapist. They may be able to offer insights, coping strategies, Pizza Tower and support as you navigate these challenges.

[s@ncholy]

It's genuinely hard to deal with work and it's frustrating that it's not always hard for other people. I worked for a company for 8 years that without knowing affected my mood drastically. I didn't realize the changes it made in me until my partner began working there and I noticed the changes in him.

Something drastic happened and I changed jobs and it really threw me for a loop. It gave me the most extreme anxiety I have ever had and I began slowly developing borderline agoraphobia. Nothing really helped me out of it besides adjusting meds, adjusting to the new job and just throwing myself out there. When I started my new role it was truly sink or swim and I couldn't afford not to work so I didn't have any choice but to make it work. It did pass though and I ended up excelling and get a promotion which enabled me to get the job I have now that I actually don't dread going into.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is hard to continually feel like you are underutilized and unappreciated in the workplace. I hope you can either find a role within the company that better aligns with your needs or that you can find an even better job elsewhere.

[mike34]

I'm also having trouble with my work, sometimes geometry dash lite I feel very tired and under a lot of stress.

[maicleusa]

I hope that you will find a good psychiatrist that's not my neighbor to improve your depression.