help...

[Eddie]

When i was about 15 i was send overseas to continue with my secondary schooling. there i was a young innocent guy in a boarding school that he did not want to be in the first place, (though secretly he wanted to start afresh but nevertheless it was scary and change was not what he wanted). as usual, there was the normal bullying and namecalling that every odd one out has to face when you're in your teens in a new environment.

but eventually like everyone else i found my niche. it was going good... then me and my 'gang' did some crazy stuff that ended up in pretty much everyone but two of us expelled from school. i suppose that;s where to guilt started. why did they have to go while i get a second ( well actually thrid) chance. anyways.. i managed to do well for the o-levels (or high school paper watever...) and got into my a-levels.
it was great to be able to get through it.. but a levels was still at the same boarding school.

i felt as if the teachers there could not even talk to me because of my let's say bad rep. i felt distant.... come to think of it i';ve always felt distant even when my group was around...

then she came into my life... this girl was wonderful. perfect i guess... i once told her when she complained of a pimple that "now i know u're actually human not some goddess" (i know lameeeee but...guess what 6 years from then.. i still remember it dunno about her....no reason anyways) she was my first love.... yeap.... and like every first loves... u want to make it last forever...

that didn't happen... i am a butthole....i cheated on her..... i do not know why... perhaps i was bored... maybe lusty or i do not know... but now i regretted ever doing it.... worse part is... it was continuous... first love was so innocent.... and up to this day i still hate myself for doing that... she never knew...(at least i think she never did) when high school was about to end. i was trying to find ways in whcih we can go to the same uni and meet up. i tried to find ways but she did not even try to like make it work and i dunno... something inside me jsut clicked.. i felt as if she did not want this as much as i did.... even thought i freakin cheated on her...

when high school ended... we wanted to try LDR (long distance relationship) and when i enter uni in my home country i was already with another girl..... at this time god knows what was goin through my mind... i was beginning to get tired of first love.... but i didn't want to break it off just yet because she was going through a really tough year in her home country... i told myself i will call it off once she gets into uni.

i guess i am a selfish bas tard. a lot of you out there probbably got into this phase because of someone like me. i want to say i' sorry for that... i am weak and pathetic.

when she got into uni.. i was happy for her... genuinely. i was in my second year now and i was gettin clsoe to another girl which i felt there was some connection between us... i could not wait to close out relationship with first lvoe... and i did.... i send her an e-mail.

one stupid brief incomplete e-mail about something like we should see other people and bs like that.... i;m sorry....i know for a fact that till this day she is angry that i did that..when that happened.... tears did not even come... i did not feel any remorse...

eventually me and hmmm connection girl got together and it was great... i felt that she could be the one... but i was betrayed by a close friend.... stuff hit the fan and connection girl dumped me....

to be honest we were fighthing 5 times a week. i felt as if she was ashamed of me to her friends... i remeber this one time when we were holding hands ( i know... so dun say it) and then she saw one of her close friends and she threw my hand away saying " oh look he's here... you know what to do..." i mean what the lala was that suppose to mean?? anywyas... we broke up.... on really really bad terms and i guess it still carry on to today.... the thing is i was serious with connection girl..... i really wanted us to work and i poured everything into her... i got burned... burned real bad.

this was the time when everything came crashing down on me.... all the guilt i did not feel for first love hit me so hard in the gut that i could not breathe... literally. i cried like i dunno... how bob cried in fight club. i was shattered.... i;ve left out a lot of hurtful exchanges between me and connection girl.. but i still remeber them.... and yea... burns man!!

this was the time i realized i still had feelings for first love... (i'm a huge mess aren't i) i would call her once a month to check up on her even though we weren;y together.... and when me and connection girl didn't work out... i told first love i still love her over the phone.....it was an international call and i know i'm selfish again.... i as not expectin her to say the same thing but... i had to let her know that i still do....

then she told me that she met this awesome guy and they were really getting along fine... i felt haertbroken again.... that year i can say i missed more than 50% of my classses.... it's by god's grace i managed to get through my third year...

she told me that we have to move on.... and gave me back what i said to her... then i knew what she felt and i wept for her... of what she felt when i send her that stupid e-mail....

i feel terrible... and so sick.... i dunno know how else to describe what i'm feelin inside, aside from this guilt....
few months later.... she told me she does not want me to contact her anymore because her current bf feels effy.... i understand and i've stop callin her... messaging her e-mail account. she blocked me from FB... ok this sounds as if i'm a stalker but i'm not.... i'm jsut hurt but i understand and i get it...

it's gettin late here and i've got clinics to attend tomorrow mornin which is in like 4 hours... i need to get some sleep... i'll try to finish sharing with all of you once i get the chance.....

i want to apologize again to all who are the victims of persons like me.... i know i do not deserve your forgiveness but.... i want to say i'm sorry....

goodnight people...

[shatteredhopes]

Please don't be so hard on yourself in that you are young and bound to make mistakes in early relationships when you are young. But having been on the receiving end of being dumped, you then felt guilty about how you treated your first love and learned from the experience. That's the best we can do sometimes, learn and move on and do better next time. Its what might be called "living amends" by not making the same mistakes over again and doing better next time, having changed and grown from our mistakes. It would be different if you were in your 40s and still treated women this way, for instance, but you have a lifetime to treat women or a woman differently, making up for your past mistakes in how you treat her. I also commend you for being man enough to apologize to your first love and let her go upon her wishes even though that's not what you wanted. Sometimes, hard as it is, we just have to move on. But it is never too late for apologies and I have personally found it healing when someone who has wronged me apologizes. So be glad you at least contacted her, and while discovering you still had feelings for her, you did not interfere with her current happiness and stepped out of the picture. That shows you have developed some sense of honor and fundamental decency. We all do wrong things and make mistakes in our early years, to varied degrees. So don't be too hard on yourself, learn to forgive yourself, and grow and change as a result...

I say this as someone who was harshy dumped by the one I was sure I would spend the rest of my life with and he quickly moved on to someone else. I am still hurting...nothing seems to hurt quite like a broken heart. You at least tried with your first love to go back and do things right, but given her wishes, now you know its time to move on. As Maya Angelou says, when we know better, we do better. So don't beat yourself up, just do better...forgive yourself.