You’d be surprised….if you knew me….

[paperceltictiger]

I have a good job. I have a great family. I have family that loves me! Unfortunately, that does not seem to be enough to make me happy.

I am one of six children – we all remain close. I am married with three well adjusted teen children. I have a father that suffers from severe depression. I always thought - thank God that’s not me. I wondered, why can’t he snap out of it? Why can’t he be happy for what he has? Why does he choose to be that way? I always thought, isn’t our family enough? It seems it should have been for him. It seems it should be enough for me…

I am a business executive; running on a never ending treadmill and it is exhausting! I feel like I need to keep running – to pay the bills, to pay for college, to pay for retirement. It’s been 20 years of running and I have no idea how I am going to do it for 20 more years…

The pain is sometimes unbearable and I have no idea how to escape it. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I am expected to be the strong one. My mother depends on me. My family depends on me. By almost any standard, I am a lucky person. My mother talks of gratitude. Why can’t the all blessings of my life be enough? People that know me would say I seem happy, I act confidently, and I am a strong person.

You’d be surprised….if you knew me….

[shatteredhopes]

Welcome to the forum! *hugs*

Someone just commented to me, and its so true, that things can be going great, but we just can't stop that feeling of sadness...the essence of depression. I know at one time in my life, everything from the outside seemed great, but inside, I was so miserable, and kept trying to end my life.

Gratitude is important, and can help you cope, but it doesn't eradicate the depression for the most part. But, its something that others who haven't experienced it rarely can understand...they mean well, they just don't know how to help or why or sometimes feel responsible for your depression, and it can affect them too when you are depressed.

First, I hope you are seeing a doctor and checking about the possibility of trying out some mild-antidepressant medication. These can make a world of difference for some, and a little help for others. Therapy is useful too, and is confidential, so you don't have to worry so much about your professional reputation...you can also if affordable pay out of pocket so these things aren't on your company insurance plan (if in the US) where others might find out.

Second, you sound like you are suffering some frustration and ennui from the never-ending treadmill...do you have anything you feel passionate about? A hobby like carpentry or sailing, a project you would really want to do (not have to do, but want to do for fun like earning a black belt in Karate or whatever appeals to you), learning to play an instrument or paint or do something else creative, or a charity you can do volunteer work for? Some companies in the US often allow executives to go on loan to United Way agencies for instance, which might be a nice change of pace and fun to do, or at least allow you work time to serve on boards or for other types of volunteer work...that can be so fulfilling I have found, to help a cause you are passionate about or make a difference in people's lives. Something you feel passionate about, whatever that may be for you, may infuse you with some new enthusiasm, hope, and give a little lift to your spirits.

Third, find some little things you can enjoy and take time just for YOU whether that's exercise, meditation, listening to music, reading, whatever you find re-charges your batteries a little. Sounds silly, but really my little cups of cocoa and bubble baths relax me, make me feel spoiled and comforted, and help nurture me and feel like I am treating myself. Find the the things for you that you can do just for YOU and take time for YOU apart from your family, as much as you love them, to do just for yourself.

Fourth, socializing in a non-work related context, if you have friends where there are no work pressures just hanging out and watching a game, going out to dinner with, can be helpful...you may find people you can connect with about your depression too, if your circle of acquaintances is large enough...people who understand.

Finally, posting here with others who can relate helps me a lot. I think you will find people here are caring and supportive. You might also want to try journaling. Sometimes writing things out helps us unload them a little and can bring insights/light bulb moments that help us better understand and cope...

Anyway, welcome again! Wishing you light and peace in your day...and know that you are not alone.

[paperceltictiger]

Hi Shatteredhopes,

Thanks for your reply! You have no idea what it means to me that you took the time to write such thoughful comments!

I was taking medication for a while, but hated being dependant on a drug. I was able to stop the medication by doing regular daily meditation(30 minutes or so each day). Unfortunately, I stopped the meditation but need to get back to it!

My passion (just mine) was playing sports. That is the scary thing - it seems now that I am enjoying it less and less. I am afraid my mood may be affecting my friendships as well!

It seems to be a very difficult cycle to break.


But how are you feeling? I wish I could help you somehow!

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((paperceltictiger))))))))) ((()))))=hugs

Meditation is a great practice and it would be wonderful if you could get back to doing it! That's a terrific thing to do for yourself. But, please, don't rule out going to a doctor and maybe trying an anti-depressant again if the meditation doesn't give enough help...you may very well be one of those people who only needs it for a time not all your life, and also, they are non-narcotic, so its just like a diabetic who needs insulin, some depression requires a little chemical help. I have tried almost every anti-depressant on the market and had some horrible side effects from some and got little if any help...but finally re-tried one and it seems to be helping a bit, and having a few more good days is a huge thing for me, even though its not a panacea, its part of my formula for helping manage my illness a little better.

I understand where depression can affect those things you used to enjoy. Maybe try a new sport? Change your routine a little like going out with the guys after playing for dinner? Or maybe take on a new hobby, try something new you've always wanted to try? I know, I know, I feel lethargic too, and sometimes it can be overwhelming...

Isolating and depression sometimes go hand in hand, its HARD to socialize and maintain friendships when depressed (I know I just want to hide under the covers), but if you can force yourself, in the long run I think it helps to socialize some...

The main thing is feel free to talk here or with a therapist or if you find a friend who understands....I know you love your family, but they worry about you and sometimes it helps to have others who can relate or who are objective like a therapist to help you develop coping techniques or to get things off your chest.

Thanks for asking about me! I hangin' in there today. Not a bad day so far, not a great day, but okay is just fine!

Keep posting and I'll bet others will chime in with how they cope and offer suggestions and support!

[paperceltictiger]

Hi (((((((((((shatteredhopes))))))))))))


Thanks for the hug! I could really use one!!

Thanks for the prodding - I made a call today to get the number for a doctor. I really don't like the side affects when you take the drugs (or especially what I heard about coming off), but I will talk to the doctor about it.

I also think you are right - maybe I need something new. Dinner after we play is a great idea. When I don't feel well, I tend to get irratable (from the mouths of my children unfortunately). I always worry if that comes across when I am with friends as well. It's not intentional, but...Somehow knowing there are such nice people like you seems to make things better.


I know exactly what you are saying about being "OK - "OK" would be just great for me!

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((paperceltictiger)))))))))))

Just know different medicines react differently with different people. If the ones you were on before caused problems, there are plenty on the market to try something different. Everybody's different, I am fortunate that I can take a wellbutrin generic with minimal side effects so far. As far as coming off, I've never really had a problem coming off anti-depressants when tapering off under doctor's supervision. Its just an adjustment for the body, as brain starts to rely on medicine to boost reactors/chemicals and takes a bit for natural process to 're-start' and compensate in essence, not a medical explanation, but I've been told that's what happens.

Anyway, since you mentioned your father had depression, and sometimes runs in families, and you have a lot of siblings...have any of them experienced depression? Might be worth bringing up subtly in context of your father's illness to inquire if you are close to them, as might give you someone to talk to about things. Just a thought.

Hope you are having good day...

[paperceltictiger]

Hello again Shatteredhopes,

Thanks again for all your help! You will be happy to know - I made an appointment and saw a doctor today! Believe it or not, in the first hour, he connected with me more than any other doctor I have talked to. He really had me figured out. I have agreed to see him weekly for a short period of time and see how it goes.

He also gave me Zoloft to see if that helps. It scares the #@$!# out of me, but I need to do something. He seems like a great Dr, so I feel optimistic (but I am realistic too). I also made a lunch appointment with a friend today. Next up - meditation. Wish me luck!

I hope you are having an "OK" day Thank you so much

[shatteredhopes]

That's wonderful that you found a great doctor right off the bat! That's half the battle, finding the right doctor and treatment...zoloft is commonly prescribed, tends to be low in terms of side effects, and many find it highly effective...but if it doesn't work or causes intolerable side effects, don't lose hope as many many other things on the market...

Good for you for going to lunch with a friend and planning to get back to meditating...doing little things for yourself can in the vast scheme of things be huge when it comes to managing depression I have found!

Pat yourself on the back that you are taking the bull by the horns and attacking your depression and fighting for healing...this is huge because one of the catch 22s of depression is the very things we know would help we often can't do BECAUSE of the depression...low motivation and lethargic sometimes, we can't always do things like exercise that are so good for us and help our depression overall in the long run...so you have taken three GIANT steps. Be proud of yourself!

[Mich]

Paperceltictiger - I think it is wonderful that you have taken the step to see the doctor and try out some medication. That, coupled with the meditation and getting out there with friends, could really put you on a positive path. I am glad you are planning to see your doctor weekly so you can talk to him about how you are feeling and discuss any side effects you may be having. You seem to have a lot of good fight in you and a really strong desire to get well. That is so important and will take you a long way.
ps - what sports do you play?

[paperceltictiger]

(((((((((S-Hopes))))))))
(((((((((Mich)))))))))

Thank you so much for your messages! I am hopeful with the doctor, but also realistic. I have been down this road before... 15 years of this is a long time.

I know I just started, but so far no side affects from the Zoloft so that is a good sign.

I have to be honest - others are suffering so much, I feel terrible asking for help. This forum has a very special group of people!


PS - Mich, I play tennis. It was something I loved and ALWAYS made me forget what was going on around me. That's the scary thing - when the one thing that worked does not work anymore.

I wish you both and everyone else a peaceful day!

[shatteredhopes]

Please don't feel bad...no matter what shape we are in, it always seems someone is suffering worse...but each of us is different in how much we can bear and what is bad to one may not be to another or even more terrible to another....our problems our huge to us individually...and we are here to support each other, and I know I personally find some help in trying to support and help others and take my mind off my troubles a bit, if I can help someone in the slightest way, just by caring, that makes me feel better about myself...

So welcome to the family new friend, and don't feel bad. Post as often as you need or like, and we all support each other and lean on each other to help each other through...

Glad so far zoloft not causing problems...frustrating that these things sometimes take up to 6 weeks to have effect, but at least if no initial side effects, that's really great.

Wishing you light and peace in your day, and thank you for your warm caring comments on my thread!

[Monty]

Paperceltictiger,

Wow, in the short time that you have been coming here, you have made great headway in getting a handle on the depression. We all realize that it is a tough road, but getting started is sometimes that hardest.

Have been reading some of the posts between you and shattered. You two certainly seem to be developing a good friendship. Shattered is a very wise person, with a lot of good advice to share.

Almost forgot one of the reasons that I posted in the first place.

Welcome to the forum. I hope that you find family here, like so many of us have.

[paperceltictiger]

Monty - Thank you for the welcome! It is so nice to be able to talk to people about how I feel - which I have never been able to do. SHopes really is a wise person. She has helped me so much in such a short period!

(((((((SHopes)))))))) it is so nice to hear you call me a friend. I feel the same way!

I am little bummed the Zoloft will take so much time, but.... Today is a little weird, I feel a little dizzy. Not sure if that is the medication or just having a bad day. When things get bad, it feels like something is squezing my brain

Thank you so much everyone!

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((paperceltictiger)))))))) worried you are dizzy...might want to call the doc on Monday if you still are having such spells, as might be related to zoloft, I dunno, but maybe want to check with doc...

By the way, how long has it been since you have had a complete physical? Learning more and more how often depressive symptoms can be related to something regarding physical health, nutrition, toxins, etc. Might be worth checking out just to be safe.

((((((((((Monty, Paper)))))))))) thanks so much for saying I am wise. I don't know about that, but having a very low confidence day so made me feel good!

We are very much like a family here, leaning on each other because people in "real life" worry about us and often cannot relate...so having the safe cloak of anonymity, we can feel free to share our darkness and help each other through it. This site has literally been a life saver for me.

[Mich]

((((((paperceltictiger))))))) I am also concerned about your dizziness and would put a call in to the doc. It could be quite dangerous to have a "dizzy spell" while driving the car for example.
I am glad you are making good friends here on the forum. The people here are lovely and have helped me so much in my darkest days. Even though they suffer immensely as well, they always have a kind and encouraging word to share.
And YES, shatteredhopes is very wise! Take care. Mich.