New user trying to cope

[gardener]

Hi
I have just joined today because I have struggled with depression all my life and managed to keep it under some sort of control . But to day it seems like its all getting on top of me . I have struggled all my life and had various half hearted sucide attempts mostly done without being noticed by anyone . Iam now getting periods of really bad depression when I just cant see a point in carrying on . I guess everyone on here has that feeling when they cant see a decent future or happiness . I just need to know how everyone copes , I dont like the idea of drugs and have never taken or seeked medical advice about this before . But I've now reached a stage where most of my family have passed away and my future looks pretty bleak financially . So I get these terrible feelings of hopelessness , loneliness and despair .
I am sure if I could take my life painlessly and quickly I would , as would many others on here if asked and their honest .
But it doesnt seem right or Christain just as much as it doesnt seem right I should continue to carry on my life in this fashion .
So I would appreciate any advice , just how does everyone live feeling like this . Its not everyday , some times I see things that make me really happy , but sometimes I see things that make me feel so sad . And feel that life is not worth living .

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I think that you are right when you say that many people on this site will recognise how you feel. I certainly do.
As to dispensing wise advice on how to cope....I don't pretend to have all ( Any? ) of the answers. I can only speak from my own experience.
Might you think about seeking medical advice and talking to your GP, if you feel that you could trust him/her/them? I didn't admit to myself how bad my depression and anxiety were until they were so bad, ( And worsened by an undiagnosed inherited genetic blood disorder. ), that I was close to falling apart totally and was having strong suicidal thoughts. So, in my case seeing my GP and admitting to her just how bad I was feeling probably saved my life! If you see your GP and they can't do anything for you, you won't have lost anything, will you?
Is there a branch of MIND near you? If there is, perhaps you could talk to them about any groups and activities that they are running? ( When I was off-work with anxiety and depression I went to the Men's Group and Chess club at my local Mind centre and it really helped me to distract myself from my depression, and started me mixing with other people again. )
When I was recovering from my own depression, I was strongly encouraged by my support workers to go out as much as I felt I could, rather than just being isolated with four walls. Even if it's just sitting in a library, or sitting in a coffeeshop watching the world go by, it distracts me from my depression and makes me feel as if I'm more " in the world ", as if I can recover and am rebuilding my life.
Also, do you have any interests that can distract you from your depression, something that you find absorbing? I love stories, watching something like a favourite Star Trek, Invaders, Buffy episode always brings back good memories. Or watching something new like Fast Forward will absorb me, as I'm following to twists and turns of a plot and trying to work out what's coming next, I'll often get a respite and distraction from my depression and feel in better spirits.
And, I'm confident that on this site you will find all thoughts of new ways to cope and with depression and new insights. I can truthfully say that I have.
Don't give up hope, there are many ways to managing your depression better. Suicide is NOT one of them! ( Yes, I know, I'm nagging! I'm a minor bureaucrat so I'm allowed to nag! )
Seriously though, when I was at my lowest I couldn't see any way forward, I couldn't even have imagined recovering to the point where I am now. But with a lot of help, I was able to at least reclaim my life to the point of recovery that I'm at now. I have absolutely no reason to believe that you are any less strong, intelligent, or capable of recovering than I am.
Please at least considering seeking help from others? It helped me....

[Always_Alone]

I just joined too. I really understand all you are saying and the only advice i can think of is when i talked to someone it helped even a small bit or i try to hold on and remember those moments that made me happy and hope that they will come more frequently.
I hope that helps
notice the things that make you smile

Always_Alone

[crystalgaze]

Hello gardener! Welcome, welcome, welcome!

Yeah, there are phases.... Please take time to look around the forum + read some of what's here! Perhaps you may find something of value to you!

As Tacking says, if you are not opposed to meds & can try it out, maybe meds may work...

Hugs to you-----> (((((((((((((((((((((gardener))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care!

[shatteredhopes]

Welcome to the forums! *hugs*

I want to echo what (((((tacking)))))) said about finding little things you enjoy or can distract you...sounds trivial but I really enjoy hot cocoa and hot bubble baths just about every day. It gives me something small to look forward to, and something to feel I am nurturing, comforting myself. Old movies you have seen before that make you laugh or inspire you, journaling, exercising, gourmet chocolate, herbal tea, whatever little treats you can give yourself or that comfort, nurture you, or distract you, just to help you get through the most difficult moments.

I was taught long ago about "attitude of gratitude"...when we are in our dark, it is hard to see the good...when I can, I make lists or say thank you prayers starting with the littlest things "I can see, I can walk, I have food, etc." and can really get going thinking of how much good there is...if you write it down, when you don't feel so grateful or are really down, you can look at it to help you cope, it doesn't eradicate depression, but helps me manage it a bit better.

On my better days, I try to dream a little about what I might like to do, write down accomplishments and good things that have happened or people have said to me, reasons why life is worth living, etc., things to remember and look back at on the bad days.

Sometimes we can't feel a future for ourselves when the moment is so difficult. So give yourself permission to just cope as best you can and get through the moment. Moment at a time. Hour at a time. Day at a time. Let the future take care of itself, just get through the moment when you are down and when you are doing a bit better, then you can be more pro-active...

Seeing a doctor as others have said or getting therapy or pastorial counseling could be of enormous benefit.

Anyway, welcome to the forums! I have found much support and caring here and I am confident you will too!

[Mich]

Welcome to the forum gardener. I can relate to all the feelings you have talked about in your post.
I am not very wise and therefore can't think of any additional helpful hintsl to say. I think tacking and shatteredhopes have said it all very nicely.
Please continue to fight the good fight and hang on. You will find many friends here who will support you in your darkest days. It is truly a community of many caring people here and I have been helped through my darkest hours. Please let us do that for you as well.

[gardener]

Thanks everyone
Its been nice to hear all your advice , but its still a constant struggle and seems to get harder each day .
I am wondering if peolpe on here ever feel like they are some kind of Jinx , and that things always seem to go wrong when they are around .
This last week I have tried really hard to be positive and not have a negative attitude to anything. Then certain things go wrong due to me and it just knocks your confidence sky high .
My whole life has been like that and I am just so fed up with it . Its always one step forward and about 6 back .