My Name is Steph27 and I'm ... (Triggers inside)

[Steph82]

Really it's not easy to tell your story especially when a lot of people don't understand what it truly means. Sometimes people say that to really know something, you have to experience it. I feel like I've experienced a lot in my life. You know like you're 16 years old but feel like you're 80? I may not be 16 anymore but the 80 part still applies.

Since I was young, about 6-7 years old, I have always felt at the end of my road. Like I have been living in this world for too long. Apparently this caused some problems in school, as I was held back in kindergarten, and I don't even remember the first grade. Since then I have been depressed. Always depressed and emotionally detached. Indecisiveness doesn't even come close to what I expressed. As A child I'd always felt as what people made me. With 2 brothers and 3 sisters, I didn't think much for myself. I just followed them and copied them because I didn't know what I was supposed to do or be.

Finally when I was 13 or so my parents sent my to a psychiatrist. At that age pretty much everyone was my enemy. I wasn't going to tell the therapist how I felt, especially feeling one thing that I thought would have me committed or mocked. The psychiatrist diagnosed me as clinically depressed and prescribed me some meds that didn't work. At was also around then that my grades were getting even worse, and so were my suicidal thoughts. I always had the suicidal thoughts. I also had what my doctor called "passive" suicidal thoughts. I won't go into detail here but they are truly consuming thoughts.

During those years I have been able to make friends, but not keep them. I was able to fit in, but never felt I belong. Some say you have a different face for everyone you meet. I would sometimes have 3-4 different circles of friends, and change how I acted for each different group. That hasn't changed for me. It is easy to make friends when you know how to act exactly how they want. However, it was never me, I was never just the same person with the same ideals.

I somehow crawled my way to high school, but things were just getting worse and worse. Somewhere from Jr. High to High School I thought church was cool. For about 2 years, from 14-15 I was in the church choir and attending regularly. choir was fun, but always in the back of my mind I had a secret that I planned on keeping and thought I would never tell anyone. Eventually I had figured that I could not stay in church because of this. I stopped going about the same time I dropped out of high school. I was 16.

It's funny that I dropped out of High School (actually took a test that was a diploma equivalent) and I immediately went to college. For all of you younger folks struggling in high school, don't give up College. College was FUN, nothing like high school. For once in my life I was treated like an adult, and learned what I wanted to learn, not what I was required to learn. Between college and a serious gaming addiction, the years went by pretty quick. I had a couple jobs here and there, but they didn't last more than 6 months. Work always sucked for me.

While I was going to college I had learned that my family were filing criminal charges against my Uncle, for molesting my brother. I was shocked, but not totally shocked. I remembered that one night when i was 13 my uncle was talking to me about sex and stuff, and he tried to do something. I stopped him and had stayed away from him since. What really shocked me was to learn that he had prior convictions of child molestation! An my parents never told me this. My parents deeply regret never telling us. I feel sorry for them to feel this was their fault.

I continued going to college and feeling useless, and actually got a pretty good job even without a degree. But then one night while browsing the Internet, I found and read something. A diary or Blog by someone who felt the same feelings as
me. But there was a light to this story, that person got help. Help that I thought I could never get. Help that I had believed was impossible. That night I frantically sent out emails and searched for some help. A reply came from a therapist who directed me to a local support group.

I went to the support group and was recommended a therapist. The support group itself was frightening. I was in awe and dumbfounded, wondering "am I really like these people?" I had decided that I am not, I am different. I was most certainly younger, but what some of them talked about were things that I didn't care for. Therapy was much better than the group. Each time I saw my therapist I felt a little better and more confident. It was there that I had been officially diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder.

Don't let the name of GID fool you. It may have you thinking it more has to do with a broken mind then what it truly is. Unfortunately there is no cure for GID, and if there was a cure that would make me feel comfortable in my birth gender, I wouldn't take it. I know for a certainty what gender I am, just that the rest of me does not match it. There is only treatment. The treatment is based on studies that show that in rare cases, when a babies brain develops it might develop in a different gender then the body. There are varying degrees to this like any disease.

Just the thought of treatment would cheer me up. I impatiently waited until I could receive hormones and medications. Before that, I had to tell people of my self discovery. The first person I told was a friend. It is very hard to tell this to someone, and you get a lot of questions. I was lucky that time, my friend had accepted me. I continued to tell my friends, one at a time. This was the hardest part. How do you tell someone that you secretly felt like the opposite gender all of your life?

Again, I was lucky. All of my friends accepted me... or so I thought. I had gathered up the courage to tell my parents. It was not an easy task, with them being as religious as they are. I had asked some questions first, and then I told them... Their reaction was severe. I could see the doubt and the denial and disbelief. I couldn't stay long, so i let them absorb this new information. Within the following month, I was kicked out of the house. I was no longer allowed to see my nephews, and my parents told all of my siblings even though I asked that I could tell them myself.

From there, it continually got worse. Living on my own, my friends slowly drifted away. It was as if all of my friendships up until then were a lie. Most of my friends felt we had nothing in common anymore. Some just stopped calling me, others were very blunt and said "I do not want you here anymore." Within a year I had lost every friend I had. Eventually I couldn't afford living on my own, so i found roommates. Most of the roommates sucked, they were either mean or too messy or too bossy.

My therapist recommended me to a psychiatrist. I went and this time I was very honest and open. What a difference that makes. The psychiatrist diagnosed me as bipolar. I was given Abilify, though it didn't work for me. I stopped going to the psychiatrist because she did not accept insurance. it was getting expensive. I also stopped going to the therapist. I dredged through work. Life had lost all meaning. What was there to live for?

At one point, I tried suicide. It was a poor attempt. I was very afraid. I'd never told anyone about my attempt. Work seems to trigger me the most. When work gets bad, I get worse. A few months later it happened again. This time it was a serious attempt. Very serious. It is a miracle I lived through it. I never told anyone about that attempt either. After that I just continued working. That's all I had. No one to love me, no friends to laugh with, no one to care for me, just work.

I had continued to go to the support group, and made a friend my age. She was just as depressed as I was. Despite our differences we became friends. I decided I could help her and be her friend. I needed a friend too, so it worked out. Eventually we moved in together as roommates. The friendship has changed drastically since then, but it's still there.

And that brings me to now. Nothing has really changed. I have a few people I will live for, but all of my issues carry on into today. I come here to help others, and receive help. The people here make my day brighter and allow me some distraction from my normal feelings.

[crystalgaze]

I don't know how I missed you, but welcome to the forum!

I will tell you what others told me: Please don't be so hard on yourself! You sound like you're a great person!

You are what you are, who you are. That's fine. You're just fine....!

((((((((((((((Steph82))))))))))))))))))) <----Hugs to you!

(Here really is a great distraction, indeed! Gotta love it!)

Take care!

[dandelion]

(((((((((((((((( Steph82 ))))))))))))))))))))

Welcome to the forum, there are good people in here who will help you in any way they can. Reading your post, i can relate some of your story with mine, i know exactly how you feel. But despite all that, you need to be proud of yourself, look at you now, you have good job, you found people that care for you even though they are small in numbers and you are still survive and still walk with your head held up high. And as Crys said, dont be hard on yourself, i know you from the chatroom, you are smart and you are a great person, and I hope you know that. Everything will be alright, things will look up on you, it may not be now, it may be later, but you will see, it all will be alright in the end, just dont give up and never lose faith in it. Please remember that people care about you and that you are loved.

Welcome to the forum again, and hope to hear more from you. Take good care of yourself and be well

love
dandelion

[Steph82]

Thanks everyone. I know life never turns out the way you want it to. But in my case I often wonder. There really is nothing that I could have done different, nothing I could change. I know I am who I am (whoever that may be) But I wish I didn't have to be who I am. It feels like every part of life for me has been a struggle. Struggle with school, struggle with work, struggle with relationships, struggle with money, struggle with a place to live. Probably that is how life is supposed to be. I have never known it any other way. I feel that I am so nice to others, because I know how much life can truely suck. If I had to I would give everything I can so that someone else doesn't have to live like this.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( Steph )))))))))))))))))

What courage it had to take for you to write all this. To share as you have has touched my heart.

Life isn't as we wish it to be, living with who we are is an on going lesson I feel, no matter the age. Your words reaches out to many in so many ways. You tell of yourself, but you offer so much to all that read. You do this in the chat room as well. What bravery you do possess.

Do you see this Steph? The kind, caring person that you really are? I so hope you do, for I see it.

Feel it my privilege to know you, thank you for making that possible.

Warmie/Jeanie

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((((Steph))))))))))))) thanks so much for sharing your story (you write really well by the way!). It must have been such a relief when you figured out what was wrong and accepted who you really are, but then to be rejected by your family, soooo heartbreaking....I can't imagine, only say I am sorry your family couldn't love you for you, and instead got caught up in false religious trappings and such...that breaks my heart to hear how they reacted.

Well, I remember you from when I used to go to the chatroom, and I am so glad to see you here in the forums! The nice thing about the forums is you can post at length about something and people respond to you, and forum has place for/tolerates jokes to cheer you up (warmie's corner is wonderful for that), talk about every life and such, unlike the chatroom where I learned its not really allowed...think there is more freedom in the forums, so I've found anyway, for sorts of support that are equally important to the heavy duty stuff...and people here just so warm, friendly, supportive...

Anyway, welcome!!!!!! So glad to see you posting here ((((((((Steph)))))).

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[Steph82]

(((((((((( Everyone ))))))))))
Thank you so much, I cried when I read that. I never feel that people notice me. I get so very upset when people ignore me or abandon me. To be reminded like this really makes me feel better.
I will forget what people think of me, I forget it really quickly. But for the moment I feel like I just might be that good person. Tomorrow will be different, but thank you for today.

[crystalgaze]

But for the moment I feel like I just might be that good person.

You are....! Having GID doesn't make you a bad person! It's what you DO (your acts) that determines that!

We aren't perfect, so we have to leave room for error--to not beat ourselves up too much.

Take care & you're just fine!

I can really identify with your story.... I just found out I have elevated testosterone levels (for a female) through blood testing. It is still no where near what the norm is for a male 20 to 49, though.

While I have almost always felt masculine or that I even should have probably been a male by default, I don't think life as a male would be the way to go... (Males have their share of issues, just as females do.)

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Steph)))))))) I woke up a bit ago, and immediately thought of you and something I didn't say earlier but want to say now...

Some say we can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends...I say wrong! Our friends and loved ones can be our chosen family, closer and more supportive and caring and accepting than our "birth" family ever was! I am glad you have a friendship with your roommate and hope you have others in your life you can turn to and count on, and of course, you have us here. We are a family and we accept you and appreciate you, and are here to support you when you get low...we maybe cannot carry all the burdens we have individually, but when they are shared with others, we lighten the load and they can be manageable! When one falls, the others jump in to help lift up...I know many a time I have fallen, and people here have lifted me...

Wishing you peace...

P.S. Don't doubt you are a good person; depression just makes you an ill person, NOT a bad person...I know I've felt that way too, depression does such a number on our self-esteem