Blame, forgiveness, self-doubt...WARNING: POSSIBLE TRIGGER

[shatteredhopes]

I was married and my husband and I were volunteers for a children's home. I suspected he was abusing the young girls, and reported my suspicions to a number of people...I was basically dismissed, mentally ill, PTSD part from statutory rape. I didn't have proof, only a gutt feeling. Anyway, I decided if I could even think such a thing about him, the marriage was clearly over. So I left. Years passed. I reached a point where I was happy for the first time in my life. Then I got the call.

He had basically purchased himself a child, and he was caught.

I blamed myself. If I wasn't so messed up mentally, they might have investigated more, done more...if I hadn't been such a terrible wife, he wouldn't have abused that girl. Compounding everything, he failed to transfer some of the debts, and the creditors started to call...I lost my alimony of course when he went to jail. I could have sued for a portion of the assets owed me, but then the money wouldn't be there for the poor girl. So I went into financial ruin, grew ever more depressed, and had to leave a job I loved because I was unable to work. It was once again as if I was being severely punished, but for his crime, hence it must be my fault, or something wrong with me.

As a kid, I remember once being down for the count he'd beat me so bad, as I lay shivering in the snow in the coat he'd ripped up. Even though I was already down, he kept kicking and kicking and kicking me hard. Insult to injury.

I spent so many years trying to not hold myself responsible for things that were not my fault, accept shared responsibility for things partially my fault, but also to learn to stand up for myself when I was wronged, such as when I was mistreated by the hospital. Filing that human rights complaint was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, reliving the experience over and over...but as a result, dramatic reforms were made and hospital policies in direct contradiction to the human rights regulations were exposed and corrected.

In recent years, I have had a hard time forgiving a few people because I am so hurt by what they did and still suffer the pain and damages. Yes, I blame them for some of my pain. Some of it was related to my own defects that openned the door, but that in no way justifies what they did, just as I may have done something wrong as a kid, but didn't deserve to be completely beaten up. I feel bad I haven't fully forgiven, but I am trying.

My ex-boyfirend's last words to me....stop blaming everybody else and look at yourself. Now I'm all messed up. Blaming myself again. Then getting into victimology where nothing's my fault. Then blaming myself again.

I feel like I must have done something terrible or something must be really wrong with me and so a wrathful God is punishing me.

I'm really messed up right now, and hurting. I'm afraid of going of the deep end again, going insane...

[xn728]

so go on take my hand ,s/hopes for today i walk with madness,this is not a path you would want to walk ,nothing here but self abuse ,talking to myself trying to walk away from the thing that is calling me to it ,if i leave here today i will never return ,once i give my word theres no going back
the forum causes me pain ,i give words of comfort here ,but the hands that type cant see the face that stains with tears you are all dear freinds but to see such suffering breaks my heart ,i would be lost if i werent here
so to give in to the visitor seems a could deal ,it would take me and make me feel so ill ,the emotions would be torn from me ,and kindess and giving hope would be something i would not have to care about ,how can someone who needs to give be trouble by the very thing he loves so much ,were is god now ,only one thing stands between me and oblivion
and that the visitor ,is god afraid ,does hear see me on my knees now in this dark place ,asking for a hand up ,if i could stand i could fight ,so walk with me into madness,we,ll go there together and just look in ,and if you become afraid i take you back and close the door behind me ,dont blame yourself s/hopes you were not responsable for his actions ,please dont follow my footsteps ,they will end soon and its not a place you want to see
the feeling of emptiness and loneliness today are something i have never felt before ,and the fact that i dont have an option to stop it is unfair
sorry ,,,xn728

[shatteredhopes]

Thanks ((Ken)). I am worried about you, friend. I had a rough night, with a nightmare and woke in the middle of the night very upset.

[Mich]

Shatteredhopes - these are horrible horrible things but none of them are your fault. Please do not torture yourself any longer. I am so sorry you have had to go through these things and I know it is a very heavy burden to carry. You could lighten that burden a bit if you are able to stop blaming yourself for the actions of others. You did not do these things; you did not cause them to happen. Please be gentle with yourself.
I am sorry you had a nightmare last night. They are very upsetting. You probably weren't able to get any sleep afterwards so I hope you will be able to rest a bit today.
I am very concerned about Ken's comment on this thread. I am scared and worried and hope he comes online today.

[Monty]

Shatteredhopes

I want to "strongly agree" with Mich's posts to you.

You definitely not responsible for those terrible things, that were done by others.

You had reported your ex-husband to the authorities. It is not your wrong that your suspicions weren't followed up, properly, by others.

Look at all the good that you have done in your life. First of all you reported your suspicions of ex-husband to many others. That must have been very difficult to do at the time. You felt it was right. I am very touched by the fact that you gave up a claim on his assets, so the young girl would be taken care of. Even to the point that you did without, so she wouldn't.

As for him saying that you should "stop blaming everyone else......." is just a crock. He is the criminal, not you. He should be taking responsibilty (if it is possible for him to even do) no shovelling off onto you.

I can sort of relate to the hospital experience. That took a lot of guts, and caused you much personal pain to make sure that things were better for the people that followed you in the system. Sounds like it caused a lot of turmoil for you. You have been through a lot and yes, you are still here.

I have spent many years trying to "fix" things here in the system here. A lot of the time I have just been kicked in the stomach. There are those times that people have come up to me and said that they are appreciative of what I have done, by taking my mental illness out of the closet and just putting it out there. It is surprising how much the system needs to be changed and it is the ones that suffer that need advocates.

Hang in there.

[shatteredhopes]

The hospital experience was so scarring, had I been stronger I would have filed criminal charges, tort action, and a federal civil rights case. But it was a catch 22. They so exacerbated the PTSD and made me so much worse by what they did, I wasn't capable of fighting back much. Now I fear the mental health profession. I have been hurt far more than helped.

Ex-boyfriend the way he treated me at times and the cruel way he dumped me and quickly moved on to someone else just shattered what little I had managed to re-build after so much pain.

I am poor, mentally ill, a nothing in the eyes of society and have been treated that way by many. Yet I look in the world at genocides, famines, war, violence, etc., why at the health care protest on the Hill yesterday a person held up a sign of Dachau claiming that's what health care reform was. Society is sick. A collective mental illness that scars many individually one by one. I try to do good and be a good person, to get my life together, and everything I do seems to blow up in my face or I face setbacks as if, pardon the word but for lack of better phrasing, there is a "conspiracy" against me. I logically know that is not the case, except it just feels like God or something is punishing me, and I don't know what I did. Just like the one who beat me, sometimes I just didn't know what I had done wrong that drove him over the edge. If I knew, I could try to do better. But I can't stop the bad stuff from happening. And I'm losing hope.

[lisalou]

dear shatteredhopes, it saddens me that you have been treated so cruelly by a boyfriend who should have loved you and a mental health system that should have helped you...i hope one day you can find more supportive treatment and a loving partner who is worthy of you and that you can learn to trust again.

wishing you strength and peace, love lisa xx

[xn728]

you are something ,you are a human being ,who carrys something with you ,that even in this world of great tecnholgy no one but us can understand ,we are complex human beings to deal everyday what we wake up to face ,you are more than human ,you are strong ,and have something inside you that drives you on ,even whilst in terrible turmiol
we are full of special gifts each and everyone of us who suffer ,reach deep inside yourself ,and you will find what you need to walk on ,you gave me a gift yesterday and today in your posts ,and it lifted me ,my gift to you is what ive just written ,all i have but given freely ,you are someone ,you are my freind ,and i am one of your many freinds here ,so stand up s,hopes and see how you rise above the people you think dwarf you ,they Know nothing about you ,and if they carried your pain they would fall after only a few steps ,you need to look with your mind the very thing that brings you pain ,and see what you really are SPECIAL,,,STAND UP
,,,S/HOPES STAND UP MY DEAR FREIND ,,,,,,,,KEN