Same stuff, different day, new recent struggle.

[RobertM]

Trigger of s**cide involved. Lengthy, but it gets the point across the best I can.

So… hi. I’ve struggled with depression for about sixteen years or so. Had my ups and downs throughout those years and well, I’m still here. A few months ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which in turn makes a whole lot of sense. I’d honestly like to blame the disorder for why I’m feeling like this today, but it’s sadly not.
Yesterday, the man I was dating decided that it was time for us to part ways. From what he had told me, which I hope isn’t a lie to not break my heart and to do his best to let me down slowly, it was his problem with not currently being able to feel like he was able to fall in love.
I was genuinely happy, which of course comes with being in a budding relationship. It had been almost three months that we had been dating. I cannot say I’m surprised by this outcome because I had sensed something was off about two weeks ago. He admitted that he forced himself to push on longer to make sure that there was really no spark between us; he hoped it would get better and he would not have to do this to me. He felt like an asshole and left soon after telling me prior to me starting to cook an early dinner for the two of us.
Now I’m just processing the emotions that I’m feeling to the best of my ability. I wish things were easier for me to cope with, but I really thought this relationship was the endgame for me and that I was finally able to relax into a stable relationship. Of course now I’m in a dark place that makes me consider certain things that I shouldn’t really have to say bluntly. I’m doing my best to push through, but it’s gotten so excessively difficult to convince myself otherwise that this whole thing is worth the trouble.
I’m looking for perspective that keeps those of you going. I’m at a general loss of words other than what’s above. Processing this when I really thought this was the last time I’d date someone leading up to endgame. I don’t blame him for being basically emotionally unavailable. We’d talked about our attachment styles (with me having anxious attachment and him with avoidant.) and it was likely a red flag from the beginning. I just thought that we’d overcome it. That I might actually convince him that I wasn’t going anywhere and he’d be doing the same. It wasn’t in the cards. I’m… so damn numb. I can’t focus on hobbies. I’ll stare at a screen and play games, but it’s more of a default, robotic feeling right now where I’m not actually “there.” I’m too much in my head and the thought of distracting myself with a game when I feel as though I’m just struggling to stay above water. I don’t know how I should handle this. It should come naturally to me since this has happened a fair amount of time in my life. It just that experience doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to cope with.

[DeeBear]

Hi RobertM,
I've never been good at relationships and it sends me into a downward spiral when they end, so I can relate. I just remind myself that I've been through it before and gotten through it, so I can get through it again. I know it's never easy though.
Take care,
DeeBear