i woke up and russ had gone ,the flames were all around me

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i opened my eyes ,iwas still in russ,s room but he was,nt here ,the visitor was still in the doorway .
i was awake and had to go to work ,but i felt differant ,i was in the dark place were i can find comfort
in times of great sadness something had changed it felt colder ,a great expanse of nothing apart from,
a bed and a doorway and the ever presant visitor ,im confused now ,is this russ,s dark sentinal or is
it mine .both the same but in differant times ,i got up and made a drink before work ,my wife asked ,
if i was ok ,yeah just tired i replied ,i could feel the tears lapping at the back of my eyes ,mus,ent
let them out .she new the flesh and blood was there ,but the soul was in a differant place ,she wont push it,
she knows i cant hurt her .Even at work i drifted through the day theres a fear inside ,i have felt it
before 7 years ago ,i was on the edge of madness,and the lithium saved me .i couldent help feeling
something else was coming ,russ was always there asleep when i had these episodes and i had felt
comfort in the sadness,but not this time .im alone and scared in this cold ,i can even feel it on my body ,
and not just in my mind ,i cryed a little at work ,but no,one saw ,i finished work and returned home ,
we had sunday lunch ,and i told my wife i had headace and would lay down for a sleep .im still overcome
by feelings of absolute sadness but as i close the curtains the darkness shows me no comfort only an ,
uncertain fear the room feels colder now ,no russ ,the visitor ever present no gestures or comments ,
the room is visible now,no walls just furniture floating in the darkness my eyes sting ,but not with tears
smoke invisible smoke in my nostrels and lungs ,i look to the door ,the visitor bathed in an ever britening
amber glow .i can hear my mothers screams and the neibours shouts .im surrounded by flames now ,
the room still cold has a window now ,the record player i had as a child melts into a pool of hot plastic
and drips into nowere ,i go to the window ,russ is out there looking up towards me his mouth moving ,
but i cant hear the words he shouts to me ,my mother moves towards russ now hand pointing ,you did this
i remember those words ,and her face the fear and hate in her eyes ,everyone has gone now ,the room
enveloped in darkness once more ,and russ is laid beside me again ,alone with his sadness in his thirty two,
year sleep ,was he saying i destroyed you to ,its clear now ,i destroyed my young self all those years ago
but as a boy ,he destroyed the man he would become ,and he suffers as i do.locked in his own time with his,
own demon ,so when such times arise and we breifly stand together i will tell him i love him,and will always
be here for him ,i will reach out and catch his fall,we are one but we cant be together . xn728

[aim]

Wow, Ken. Do you think that Ken and Russ will ever come together? Dont' give up on that, ok? And... always remember... YOU are in control. You did that when you were a child, the grown man must forgive the child and let go of his guilt. Keep working every day to forgive Russ for that, so he can stop attacking the grown man, Ken. You are more than worth forgiving, Ken. Please please try hard to believe that!

Do you think your wife knows more about what is going on than meets the eye? As you said, she knows that you can't hurt her... have you ever attempted to unburden yourself to her? Without my boyfriend to talk to... I dont' know where I'd be right now. She loves you, I'm sure and wants to help and support you. Just a thought, Ken.

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hi amy ,i have forgiven russ already ,he destroyed us both ,it wasnt me ,but even though it was done freely ,it was not meant to turn out as it did ,i feel stronger now ,i know i will stumble along the way but i have you and my other friends to catch me ,i think we are all becoming closer ,i looked on one of your posts were you said you did not no how you could keep being strong ,well you have told me to be strong in no uncertain terms ,so i have left a message for you there ,please tell aurelia to stop freting about the bad message ,it was nothing to do with her i dont know why she thinks this is .ive sent her a private message bless her ,,
i have a concern at the moment ,theres that many replys from you all
in so many differant places im losing track ,im not really good at things i wondered if there was a way to simplify things ,if not i might start a new post and so on if they get to long ,i had 15 replys today it realy makes my day ,i started worrying that i may miss somthing , And theres another amy and thats confusing me to ,i sent a reply saying i see you live in the uk ,did this go to you or have i been sending to the wrong amy ,,,anyway
will look forward to reading you tommorrow be strong ,,,,when i close my eyes tonight i will see my friends so far away ,and tommorrow i will not fear,,,,,,goodnight xn728 KEN ps i will tell more about my wife fran over the weekend xn

[aim]

I just answer the threads that come to my e-mail address... simplifies it for me! Also, once a week or so, I go on the forums and see if anyone started a new thread. I hate to see people come on here and think they are getting ignored, when it's only because we haven't found them yet!

Glad you forgave Russ... he was just a child. He needs and deserves your forgiveness.

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yes amy i can see ill do that ,if i miss anything i sure everyone will understand ,if i ever get mixed up ,i,ll message you,but dont worry i wont make a habit of this ,did you say your man is in the uk ,,,,thanks amy xn728KEN

[aim]

Hey Ken, Yes my man is in the UK. It's very very hard, but I feel more alive, loved and fulfilled with him, even being so far away, than I ever did with anyone else. I'm a darn lucky girl to have found him! Thoughts of me moving to the UK or him moving to America once we are married fill both of our minds... we just have to see what makes sense. The most important thing is that we are together. I can't tell you how much I truly miss him - it's very hard being away from each other.

I did love England when I was there, I have to say. The driving though -e gads!!! Not so much the opposite side of the road thing, but the idea that all of the cars are mostly manuals... I only drive automatic! But it really is a beautiful place.

Hey - maybe you can answer this question! How hard would it be to bring my dog there to live? Do you know if she'd have to be quarantined for a significant period of time? She is healthy, and has all of her shots, including rabies. Do you know anything about that, Ken?

Thanks...

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hi amy i found this about dogs etc ,PETS TRAVEL SCHEME EXTENDED TO USA AND CANADA

The successful PETS Travel Scheme is to be extended to dogs and cats from the United States and Canada, Animal Health Minister Elliot Morley announced today.

From 11 December, people coming to this country from the USA and Canada will be able to bring their vaccinated pets without having to put them into six months quarantine. However, until an approved route from North America is available and official certification agreed, animals will have to go into short stay quarantine, usually only for two to three days, whilst the microchip and paperwork are checked.

Announcing the extension to North America, Elliot Morley said:

"I am proud to be associated with the Pet Travel Scheme. Since we introduced the Scheme in February 2000 over 75,000 dogs and cats from Europe and rabies-free islands have used the Scheme to enter the UK without having to go into six months quarantine.

hope its some help .i will also ask at work tommorrow ,i have been having bad thought today ,will talk about them later ,ps i have photos on in pets i put myself on there didnt want to but its a good photo hope you like them xn728 KEN

[aim]

Thank you soooo much, Ken!!! I was really stressing a bit on what would happen to her if I end up moving to England. She's a pain in my tush, but I do love her and would not expose her to a 6-month quarantine. I also don't want to live anywhere without her.

Very informative - thanks again!!!

PS - did you post photos of your ferrets yet?

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i posted them last night amy ,there a scary old man on there to ,one man two ferrets ,and the visitor ,if you look in my eyes you can see it ,catch you later ,,,,,,,ken

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hi amy glad the info was some use ,hope you are ok ,i have not heard from aurelia ,im a little concerned ,i suppose she,ll let us now shes ok when shes ready ,i gonna look at threads now ,see ya later ,,,,ken

[aim]

Yes, it has been a while since Auriela posted... I'm getting a bit concerned for her myself.

Auriela - if you're out there - please pop in again!! There are people who care for you here, ok? You are missed...

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i hope she calls soon ,so i can stop worrying ,i think about death a lot today ,im under so much pressure ,and darkness i wish i could rest from this .30 odd years is a long time xn728

[aim]

xn? What happened to Ken??? I feel concern for Auriela as well... all we can do is hope for the best, try to stay positive, and keep letting her know how missed she is... because you ARE Auriela.

I'm sorry for the darkness surrounding you, Ken, and you are right... 30 plus years of it is overwhelming and so much to bear. Keep staying strong, Ken. Your light is there... even after 30 years.