Switching windows.

[Froggy]

I guess the title sums it up in two words, but the explanation'll be pretty long; I wouldn't mind if you skipped it.

I'm female, seventeen, living in the UK. I guess I've had a fair bit in my life; but up until now, I've just dealt with it. For several months now, however, I've suspected I have depression.

It really annoys me, actually. I feel I'm being pathetic and just need to get a grip. I just can't snap out of it. I haven't been to the doctor; I don't want a diagnosis of depression. If I get one, it's like there's an excuse for me to be down all the time, and I don't want that.

I guess I have a bit of a personal vendetta against the illness. My uncle had it for most of his life, and eventually committed suicide, leaving his family distraught. When I was about thirteen, it became 'cool' within my class to brag about self-harm and suicide attempts. I distanced myself, wanting nothing to do with it, and spent a very lonely year by myself. At the end of this year, a girl who I'd previously been friends with actually did attempt suicide, taking an insulin overdose at school. It was terrifying. Several months afterwards, I heard her talking to a friend of mine; it seems she thought it hilarious that we were all scared for her life. I haven't spoken to her since.

My mother also rang her mother the evening after the attempt, to ask whether she was alright. Mum was completely blanked, and I found out the next day that apparently the girl tried to kill herself because of me. To this day I can't understand why; I had hardly interacted with her at all within the past six months. Not in an 'I'm ignoring you' sort of way, more in a 'we just haven't happened to speak in a while' way.

Recently, a different and very close friend of mine tried to commit suicide. She's tried twice now; both times it was only by chance that I found out, and managed to get to her house and ring the ambulance before any permanent damage was done to her by the overdose she'd taken. The second time, just before christmas last year, was the worst. I think this also sparked off the depression; it's since then that I haven't been myself.

For my whole life I've been the rock that my friends rely on. In primary school I was the only friend of a very controlling girl, who wouldn't allow me to talk to anyone else. In secondary I made three very close friends, one of which with fairly severe bipolar disorder. She was on medication, but still had terrible moodswings and very bad days. Everyone used to avoid her; I can even remember one of my close friends now telling me then "You don't want to be tarred with the same brush as her!" Luckily, I ignored her, and continued to build a friendship with this girl. Over the years she's improved dramatically, is now doing well at school, and has as many if not more friends than me. Nobody avoids her anymore. It's great to think that I might have helped towards this.

Another friend of mine has, over the years, developed depression and/or bipolar disorder. (no clear diagnosis yet) This is the friend I mentioned a paragraph ago, who has been recently suicidal.

I can't confide in anyone. Last time I confided in my suicidal friend was five years ago, and she promptly got drunk and started to cry, telling me she couldn't deal with knowing what I had told her. Since then I haven't told her anything of great importance. When she gets upset, it's a huge deal, and everyone has to make a fuss of her; but when I'm upset she makes fun of me, tells me to stop PMSing, etc. She quit school recently and makes it clear that she thinks I'm selfish when I won't go hang out with her for the sake of revising for my A-Levels (for those not in the UK, they're really very important exams).

Of course it's teenage drama, and of course everyone's had to deal with it. I have a good life, I'm intelligent, I can revise and get good results, my family are wonderful; but I cry now almost every day. I skip several lessons a week to sit on the floor of a toilet cubicle at school because I can't bring myself to go to the lessons. And yet when I can force myself to act normally and hang out with my friends, it's fine and I can laugh and smile and be happy. It's just a different matter when I'm given time to think.

The only thing that can snap me out of a down mood is a boy called Kah. Problem is, he's a character from a webcomic I keep planning to draw and put up online. (never get around to it.) In essence, this means that I can get rid of my depressive moods - it takes a while, but if I keep trying at it, it works and for several hours I can be normal and happy. Shouldn't I be able to do that without Kah? My only comfort in life is a fictional character of my own creation. It hurts even to type that and suggest that he's not really there.

Am I crazy? Am I overreacting to teenage moodswings? Am I a hypochondriac? I've seen so many people over the years pretending to be depressed, when all they need is a little love and attention, that I don't know what to think any more. I don't want to tell anyone I think I might be depressed. I can't let the rock crumble. Right now I'm typing this up and switching windows every few minutes, whenever a family member walks past. Everyone already has enough worries in their lives; they don't need mine as well.

[georgiapeach]

((((((((((((( froggy ))))))))))))))))))))
well, it seems to me that there have been many tramatic events that have occured in your life, weather you view them as tramatic or not. every event in life causes some form of impact upon our lives. im so sorry to hear all about the people you used to consider "friends" and what they have done. depression effects millions of people globablly. there is no stopping it. you may just have a slight chemical imbalance, or it could also just be the teenage drama getting to you. do you feel depressed or down? anyways, im happy to see you made it from the chatroom to the forums hun! keep posting!

[Froggy]

(((((((((georgiapeach))))))))) back

I only really view my friend's suicide attempts as traumatic... I can't stop replaying them in my head. I do feel depressed, and I spent around three hours at school today just sitting on the floor of the toilet cubicle again; I hate letting people see me cry, or seeing me upset. The thought of having a friend there when I'm crying is kinda terrifying to me...

Thanks for letting me know about the forums, GP! I somehow just didn't think of joining until now. I've read through several boards and it looks really helpful, here.

My mIRC has decided I need to register to continue with it, though, which requires paying, and the recommended hydraIRC isn't working, so I guess I won't be in the chatroom for a while.
which is a shame, because it was really helpful in there, too

[georgiapeach]

froggy,
there are other ways to access the chatroom besides mIRC. try mibbit.com or webchat (i think thats what its called) they are free sites to allow you to gain access. or you can go directly through the site by typing www.depression-understood.org and navagating your way through the site to access everything. if you use mibbit, for the channel site type in #depression if you need further help, let me know by sending me a pm and i will either give you my contact info or a more specific way of gaining access. are you seeking therapy btw? like seeing a psych doc/therapist? if you are not i highly recomend it, you seem like you need assistance somehow irl.

[Froggy]

Oh! I didn't know that, GP - thanks for telling me! I was getting a little sad about not being able to access it, lol.

Well; Mum said she was going to talk to our local gp about getting an appointment to talk to someone, for both of us, because she's going through a bad time at the moment as well. But she hasn't mentioned it since, and I don't really like bringing it up, as it upsets her...
I may ask for an appointment on my own, though. There's a surgery just up the road. I just don't want to look like I'm making a fuss, though.

[georgiapeach]

froggy,
your own personal well being is something that should be taken care of properly. mention it to her just to see what she has to say about it. going on your own might be a better idea than doing it in a group w/ the 2 of u. only bc you get more one on one time and you can say how you truely feel without worrying what your parents have to say about your emotions and feelings. maybe down the road in the future you and your mum can get together for a therapy session and talk about somethings ect. good luck froggy, i do miss you in the chat!!!

[xn728]

hi there im 50 and i also live in the uk /ive been deppressed since i was 7/ it would do you good to talk to your doctor /explaine in depth about how you feel /dont hide anything /deppression makes us behave differently and feel differantly /people can pick up on this and treat you negativly /(i was bullied even stoned with bricks at school it made me weak and submisive /and made adult life very hard /i have 2 daughters 21 yrs and 29 yrs /dont be afraid of deppression /if you were to be diagnosed with it /then knowledge is a weopon you can use to live with it /people are affected in many differant ways yours may be mild /mine on the other hand made me a terrible teenager and i have no contact with my parents now /but from bieng 18 i became a man /i destroyed the innocent child i once was /deppression has given me a gift of compassion i like to comment on here i feel i can give my expeiriences for everyone to share /anyway its your choice /we all listen on here its a place were we help each other /reach out and we will catch your fall ,,,,,,,xn728

[aim]

Hi Froggy... my apologies for the late response.

Your story is not just your run-of-the-mill teenage stuff. Being surrounded by all of that attempted suicide will take a toll on a person. That said, PLEASE do NOT blame yourself for that, "friend," trying to end her life. It is a personal decision, and cannot be blamed on anyone else. It was cruel of this person to blame you for that - and it is NOT true.

Also... depression is a real illness, but you can be helped if you seek it. There are professionals who can offer you assistance, and, there is always your family. Parents love their children and never want to see them hurt. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Can you confide in them?

You are not faking how you are feeling, Froggy. Please know that. If you are feeling down, if you are losing interest in things that used to excite you, if you find yourself crying for no apparant reason? You could very well be clinically depressed.

As for your fictional character, there is nothing wrong with that, ok? We need to find the joy and escape in life where and when we can, Froggy. Hold onto it... you will find that happiness in your real life one day - have faith.

It is a burden being the rock that your friends depend on. I have that ailment myself. It is only my boyfriend who sees who I really am inside, and sees every fear and tear I have inside of me. Up until him, I put on a happy face for all around me, and laughed with others as they treated my health anxiety as a joke. I guess what I'm saying is, I understand how you are feeling about friends. I never want to burden people, so I tend to pretend all is well with me. Am I not giving them enough credit? I don't know. Do I not trust them enough? I dont' know that either.

It was nice seeing you in the chat room, Froggy. I hope to hear from you both here and there...