A story you've all heard before

[driving_sideways]

I don't know why I've even began writing this. Yeah, I'm depressed, I'll give you that. I don't know what else to say... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to spin out of this circle. I've always kept myself away from medication. On some deeper level, I've gotten to just live with it. Like I've had it for so long, I can't imagine myself without it anymore.
Everything's been piling up for so long, I'm too tired to try and change anything about my life. I'm bitter and cynical, and yet with my friends I can still keep that beer-guzzling, always-up-for-some-fun appearance. I think it's the only balance I have in my life, weird as it is.
I can't talk to anyone about it -- I've tried therapy, I tried talking to my parents... People just don't get it unless they're going through the same thing, I guess. I know there are people in the world who are having it far worse than I am, but I can't help it. So, I'd like to meet some people around here. Exchange some opinions, some life facts. See if that leads somewhere. Any step in any direction is better than this. I'm just tired of the "hugs and puppies" welcoming I get in all online depression support groups. People with depression don't need this. We just need someone with a mind of their own to talk to.
Anyone who's going through the same thing is more than welcome to post on this thread. I can relate to much more than just my story and issues.
Thank you.

[georgiapeach]

((((((((( driving_sideways ))))))))))))))
first off welcome here, i read that you are sick of the hugs and welcomes but this is what i do... i like to make sure everyone knows that they fit in here no matter how deep/severe or not the depression is. everyone struggles internally but i hope someday we all can resolve it and live a happy healthy life. yea i know that sounds very far fetched but its a hope... anyways, i so understand where you are coming from, i cant talk to my family, i have no friends irl, and therapists im scared will judge me to much so i gave up on them. Anyways i've started to blog my feelings and i also visit the chatroom associated w/ this site which is super helpful. there is almost always someone there 24/7. there is never a truely dull moment. anyways, again welcome here and i hope to see more posts from you and hope to get to know you a bit better.

[aim]

I think that eventually, with the help, support and unconditional love received from family and friends, we find it inside ourselves to conquer depression/anxiety and all the rest. Whatever cannot be conquered can be maintained... that's just my unprofessional opinion.

Welcome.

[driving_sideways]

I think that eventually, with the help, support and unconditional love received from family and friends, we find it inside ourselves to conquer depression/anxiety and all the rest. Whatever cannot be conquered can be maintained... that's just my unprofessional opinion.

Welcome.

Hey, and thanks for replying. Like I said, I tried talking to my family and it worked out worse than I thought, and as for my friends -- I'd hate to be a burden, since neither of them goes through this (luckily for them). I think I've come to terms with this being my "journey" to make (some journey, huh?), all by myself.
But enough about me. What brings you here, Amy and georgiapeach?

[aim]

Hello again, Sideways! You will have all the support you need right here, ok? I can understand not wanting to burden your friends, but please stop and think how YOU would respond to them if the situation was reversed. Would you feel burdened by a friend in need? That's what friends are there for, Sideways; to offer support and a shoulder to lean on when you need it.

As for me? I have pretty severe health anxiety, Sideways. I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I had depression years ago, but right now, it's really just the anxiety. I'm on Paxil now, and it's helped me more than you can imagine. Thanks for asking!

[georgiapeach]

ah driving_sideways, i've been coming here since January of 2008... i suffer from depression and anxiety. this place has become like family to me so i just never left, and i keep returning almost everyday that i can. i have a few posts in here under your story that has my story and what has brought me in to this lovely site...

[stevenirishlad]

Hey all,

Does any1 here ever feel so bad that they struggle top get words out?I am on holidays and I can't even converse with people, I wake up in the morning, lazy, depressed and sometimes I feel like a dummy when other people are around me-Literally.
Im always sick & pale looking, If Im not sick Im tired & unable to move my body, it sometimes feels like Im carrying a bag of cement around my mind.
Does any1 understand these feelings?

Stephen

[aim]

Ah Stephen... I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope it helps that nothing is ever as bad as it seems, ok? You can feel one way, and I can promise you that you do NOT look or appear that way to the rest of the world.

((((Stephen))))

[driving_sideways]

Hey all,

Does any1 here ever feel so bad that they struggle top get words out?I am on holidays and I can't even converse with people, I wake up in the morning, lazy, depressed and sometimes I feel like a dummy when other people are around me-Literally.
Im always sick & pale looking, If Im not sick Im tired & unable to move my body, it sometimes feels like Im carrying a bag of cement around my mind.
Does any1 understand these feelings?

Stephen

Hey Steven.
I'm pretty sure we understand the feeling, but then again, we all have different perceptions of everything, including depression. I, personally, hate holidays and going on vacation. I'd rather work overtime or just go out at night, but I hate days off in a row. I'm actually not sure what you mean by "carrying a bag of cement around your head", but I sort of feel that too sometimes, in the way that I can't express all that crowd of thoughts in my head, not even to myself. Is your sickness ("being sick and tired and unable to move your body") purely physical, or depression related? I'm having trouble sometimes getting out of bed in the morning, because I simply can't find a good enough reason to.

[stevenirishlad]

Hi all, thanks for yere replies it is a relief to know Im not the only 1. I go through different phases during the day, like this morning I'd absolutely no interest in getting out of bed, I wanted to just stay stuck to it for the day until it was time to go back to bed. I eventualy got up, my Aunt gave out over leaving the table in a mess last night and I felt like screaming, the slightest little argument or Criticism I just can't take.
Life is shit, I cant even converse with people I feel so bad.
How do I save myself?Some holiday this is I might aswell just be at work and be depressed.
Hope ye're feeling relatively ok
((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))

[aim]

((())) - that's a hug for ya, Stephen.

My goodness, can't depression and anxiety cause irritability? I've been there, Stephen. I know how you're feeling... it's so hard to live that way.

Are you taking any medication to lower your anxiety level and perhaps boost your mood? I was very irritable due to anxiety until I began taking Paxil. It has really helped mellow me out, but has left me NOT feeling like a zombie, and it has also left the rest of my feelings in tact.

Keep talking here, Stephen. The quality of your life can improve - you just need to find out what works for YOU. Everyone is different. What have you already tried to do?

[stevenirishlad]

Hey Amy ta for the hug : )
I have tried counsellors & have told em my full story but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Ever feel like you want to cry but you can't?If some1 looks at me I jump, speaks to me I get nervous Im a baby trapped in a mans body!
I haven't ever taken medication for it, Ive heard positive stories from taking it but theres off putting about it.
Did you ever get to the root of your problem?
(((((((((())))))))))))))))

[Monty]

Realize that I am jumping onto this topic, in the middle of what seems to be a good, getting to know each other thread

Hi Steven. I have spent an awful lot of my life also trying to put on the happy game face( I like to call what I try to do when I am going to be outside my own, little world). I also have gone through periods of my life when I have just felt exhausted.

Wonder if you examine it, that you might come to the same conclusion that I did. No wonder I am tired, it takes an immense amount of energy to appear happy to the rest of the world, when you are dying inside.

I had small children when I was really ill, and must admit that there were many days that I sent them off to school (that took all of my available energy and then some), then went to bed and got up and dressed just before they came home for the day (fortunately they were gone from 8 until 4). Thinking back I realize that they were smart kids, they knew what was going on but we continued that charade for a lot of years. Probably I shouldnt try to analyze that part of my life too much, whatever it was all three of us made it through it.

Sounds like you are really hurting inside, no wonder you are exhausted with putting that happy face on for others.

This is a good place, to just sit down and let us know what is on your mind. We are all in the same boat, and in addition to helping you by knowing that you are being listened to, might have some suggestions on things you can do to help.

We can never have too many people in our corner.

[aim]

Hey Stephen!

I have to tell you that therapy did not work for me either, but the medication has done wonders. It's helped me think with a clear head, and try to get to root of my problems.

It seems that whenever I do something I feel is wrong, whether morally, spiritually, or emotionally, I blast right into a very intense health anxiety that spreads to the rest of my life and turns into Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

So... the Paxil has calmed me down enough to realize this, and keep myself aware of what it is... total irrational fear.

What scares you about medication? I can understand that there have been horror stories, but usually that means that the person is just on the wrong medication - just my opinion, I'm not a medical professional. All I can tell you is that I was on the wrong one before the Paxil, and I knew it right away, and stopped it. Sometimes medication is trial and error... Luckily, I only had to go through one before I found the right fit for me.

Good luck... please let us know about the medication and how you are doing.

And here's another hug... ((((Stephen))))