Some backstory on a newbie here

[alex679]

Hi,
My name is Alex. I'm 29 years old and live near Charleston, SC. I have posted a sort-of introduction on another thread. Some of you urged me to post soe more an I thought I'd like to expand a little bit to let you all know a little more about me.

Like I said I'm 29 years old. I live with my girlfriend of almost 2 years, whom I love with all my heart. I have been battling depression on and off since my teen years. I guess I was around 15 when I was first aware that what I felt what I considered depression. I went to a Dr. for a while talked about a few topics mainly to get my parents off my back because they were worried about my change in mood.

A couple years later when I was around 15 I started to feel really bad, worse than I had before. For a while I attributed it to growing pains, puberty, whatever but kept feeling bad for longer periods of time without a reprieve. I again started seeing mental health professionals, two this time. One was a psychologist and the other a psychiatrist. It was determined between the two that starting on an anti-depressant would be a good course of action. So in I guess 1995 I was prescribed Zoloft 100 mg to start and then up to 150 mg daily. We also determined that along with depression I was suffering from a lot of stress and anxiety. I communicated to my Drs., and family that a large contributor to the anxiety and stress was my academic struggles. I had always been a good student and easily able to socialize, but just really never liked school when I got to high school.

After talking to my Drs and faily I decided to drop out and go to night school to finish. I stayed on the Zoloft for about 2 years and pretty much took myself off of it when I was like 18. It wreaked a little havoc on my system as I didn't know that you weren't supposed to just stop taking a med-high dosage of an anti-depressant just cold turkey like that. Ever since then I developed chronic insomnia. That was another thing I ended up taking Rx for a long time. Then when I was about 25 I started feeling down again and at about the same time my step-dad who raised me passed away suddenly of a heart attack. This tie I went to family Dr. and told him what was going on, but that i didn't want to take anti-depressants again because of the apathetic zombie like state that Zoloft had caused me years earlier. I guess this time Lexapro was fairly new on the market and he told me it was a completely different family of drug. So I took it for about a year and a half. I felt better but didn't want to rely on a chemical to just feel normal, so this time I slowly weened my self off of it, and other than the occasional dip for a few days to a few weeks in duration every now and then, things were ok without it.

About a year and a half ago, however, my depression came back with a vengeance. And wouldn't you know it, it brought along it's companion anxiety with it. Although this depression and anxiety was far worse than I remember from my earlier bouts. Now it feels much worse and the anxiety is awful. My girlfriend kinda started the same thing a few months before mine. She went to many Drs and finally found that she was hypothyroid, and had some adrenal and hormone deficiencies. Being that I have had acute hypo-thyroidism since birth( I was born without a thyroid gland), she thought maybe my thyroid Rx needed to be increased. It did, and I increased it and started taking another thyroid Rx. But even though I feel better than I did the majority of the time, my depression and anxiety is really driving me nuts right now. Some days I wake up and it feels like a tremendous weight on top of me. I now have panic attacks, thats a new frightening experience that I just love let me tell you.

Basically now, going through all these different bouts that I've had with different meds I don't know what to do. I'm lost and don't where where else to turn. Sorry for rambling incessantly but after I got started I figured I'd give you all the information I could recall.

Thanks

[aim]

Hey Alex - thanks for sharing! We've spoken a few times in chat, but so glad we all know more about you, your ups and, unfortunately, your downs.

I really do think fighting off depression/anxiety is a life long battle, but well worth it in the end. There is so much life out there to live, but these stupid illnesses stop us sometimes, don't they? It sounds like you have a lot of love in your life with your girlfriend, that you're so lucky to have. Not to mention that she suffers as well, so she can understand where you're coming from; a definite plus!

I'm glad to have met you, Alex. Which meds are you on now? Is anything helping? Are you in any type of therapy?

[Monty]

Letting the rest of us know just what you have experienced in your life is not classified as rambling. It often seems that if someone can unload, in a safe place, they feel better and also the people that read getting a more clear idea of where you are coming from. I have found this to be a safe place and hope you find it is too.

I have experienced anxiety too. I had my first real panic attack more than 20 years ago, but I can still remember the feeling of terror. Both for experiencing it at the time, and dreading that it might come back.

Unfortunately it did, many times. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy, so I am truly sorry that you have endure them. Endure is probably the operative word there. How long do your panic attacks last and how frequent to they come? Hope it isn't often.

I had a tough time going on meds in the first place. I started for the insomnia, which has also developed to be chronic. With the sleeplessness it seems like things went downhill, very fast, though I also had a genetic predisposition to depression. The insomnia has been a difficult one for me to cope with. Can't figure how people, who say they are crabby because they didn't have a good night's sleep, dont seem able to extrapolate that into how somebody might feel if that problem goes on, night after night. I figure a most of us do well just to be able to function in this world. I had a friend tell me lately that, well you never are able to sleep. Guess its like most things, you dont understand how dehibilitating things can be unless you go through them yourself. Still made me shake my head though.

If other things that are going poorly in your life, often they seem so much worse when night comes, and you seem to be alone in facing them. It is so darn quiet. I find relief in the fact that I have cable tv. There is something on the screen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It was more than 20 years ago when I first started to have them, I remember that I was so grateful when they started having 24 hour a day, talk radio. Numbed it some. Something filled the quiet and squeezed out some of the undesirable thoughts.

At least with being able to be on-line now, I know that I have isolated myself quite a bit over the years. You can only be hurt so many times, and then you turtle. Having a place to post, where people understand means a lot to me.

I am looking forward to you posting more in the future and learning more about your life.

Often use the analogy.
If you hold up your index finger, and bend it a bit at the knuckle, it kind of droops. Take the index finger on your other hand and do the same thing. They both droop. Put the two fingers, tip to tip and apply a little pressure. It ends up that they support each other.

Isnt that what we are all here for.

[stevenirishlad]

Hey man

Don't worry, nothing yo've said is a rant or of any surprise to how I've been for the last 7 years, I'm 22 going on 72 with the way I feel.
Do you thnk anything happened during your chilhood has triggered the way you feel now? I've a firm belief that your past no matter how long ago it was does stay with you now and does affect your mentality and am strongly against anti-depressants as all they are doing is turning your brain the opposite direction, which is bad for you aswell.
Im currently seeing a Hypnotist, I would say Im mediumly depressed at the moment but was absolutely manic about a year ago, didn't even want to wake to see the day, felt absolutely numb in my own body, any bit of social activity would have to be done in a robotic frame of mind which meant pre-planning what I could say to people.

Tlk soon man

Stephen

[aim]

So many wonderful and helpful ideas here! Monty... utterly wise as usual! I am a TV junkie, and it really does help ease the lonliness when you live alone, huh?

Stephen, how is the hypnotherapy working for you? I'm rather fascinated by that... would love to hear more.

Alex - hope you're still out there - we're all here listening!!