Helping Someone I Care About

[Wonderwoman97]

Hi there!
For starters, I personally don’t have Depression (mild anxiety is mine) but I deeply care about someone with depression.
Here’s the story:
So, about three months ago, at the end of my spring semester in college, I met this wonderful guy from one of my classes. It was totally out of the blue, I wasn’t looking, etc. It was kind of the ideal setup. We started talking and going on dates. We really enjoyed each other and he seemed really into the relationship- he was telling people we were together first and was just really enthusiastic. He had a really bad breakup about 6 months ago. His mom is dying of cancer and his ex left him when this all got bad. He’s trying to be friends with her, since one of her parents is also dying, but she keeps harassing him and telling him they’re getting back together. She really stressed him out, and he’d assure me many times that they’re not getting back together. I trusted him. We continued to grow closer. He’s from my hometown, so when I graduated and school ended for the summer, we agreed to hang out. He started his first day of his internship and I started moving into my apartment. He was really enthusiastic about everything. He told me his friends loved me, I told him my friends loved him, and he told me that I was “checking all his boxes.” One night, when I was staying over with him, he told me that he has anxiety, depression, and a panic disorder. I started researching to see how I could be a good friend/girlfriend to him. I know I wouldn’t be perfect, but I thought some understanding would help.
We still talked after school let out and made plans. Then, one day, he got very quiet. We’d message a few times a day, but this day, there was nothing. When he did contact me, he told me he got bad news about his mom and they were having a family day, so he cancelled some plans. We later agreed to meet up for dinner that week. At that dinner, we talked and had fun like usual. Then, at the end of the night, he blurted out that he didn’t think he wanted a relationship anymore. When I asked why, what happened, he didn’t say, he just said he couldn’t do it at the moment and he was afraid he’d hurt me, if he hand’t already. I assured him he didn’t, but asked if we could remain friends, because I really cared about him. He said absolutely. I assured him that I cared about him and would still be around if he needed anything. We didn’t see each other for two weeks, and when we did meet up, he seemed very sad and down. I reminded him I was here for him and wouldn’t be going anywhere, that I wouldn’t judge him for anything he told me and I cared about him. He said he cared about me too and was grateful for my assurances. Then, a week later, we got dinner again. He seemed happier. It was like old times. He eve showed me a secret spot where he and his friends used to hand out in high school. He wanted to see my apartment, since he’d helped me move in, so we went back to my place. We kissed a lot, initiated by him (I constantly asked if he was doing ok, because I wanted to respect his boundaries, and he said he was) and he ended up spending the night. He had to leave early the next day and kept saying he did’t want to leave me. I texted him the next day, to make sure he was ok with everything, that I wanted to be respectful of where he stood and not push anything past. He said he appreciated my message and said he wasn’t sure where he stood on a relationship. I said I supported him 100% wherever he was, and he said I was great. That was the last time we hung out. Now, when I ask to hang out, he’s busy. Legitimately busy- he’s been doing a lot with his family and he had an issue with his college house he had to take care of. He seems to be withdrawing.I text him every Monday to wish him a good week and every Friday to wish him a good weekend. He seems to respond well, but the conversation hasn’t gone much further than that recently. He’s going on a big hiking trip with the school soon. He loves nature, so I hope it’ll help. My question is this: I still want a relationship with him, but if that’s not good for him right now, I want to be his friend. I truly care about him and want to support him in the best way, and make that known, but not be annoying or pushy.
How can I best handle this from here? I’m afraid I’ll lose him. I don’t want to- yes, I’d love to be his girlfriend, but I am ok with jsut being his friend. How can I give him his space, but still make it known that I care/am around/willing to listen if he wants to talk. I helped him once with a bad anxiety attack, which was started by a bad incident with the ex. I’ve tried the last couple weeks to invite him out to things, but he’s been busy and hasn’t been able to go. I truly care about him. If I could, I’d want to be in a relationship with him. He’s a great person. Around others, he doesn’t really show his depression- he’s very happy-go-lucky, goes out, and is pretty outgoing. I was attracted to his sociability and sense of humor. But that’s not the only thing- he really has good values. He obviously cares a lot for his family, he cares about the environment, and is just a good person. How often is it ok to reach out and try to invite him to things? I want him to feel included and cared about but I don’t want to be overwhelming. Is there anything I should be doing/stop doing to help him?

[MrYL]

Hi Wonderwoman97,

First of all, I think you are a wonderful person for wanting to help your friend.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to continue to talk to him on a regular basis. Even if he keeps deciling your invitations, continuing to do so, even if it's to something small, can help him feel included. Don't make a big deal out of it when he declines.
Remind him regularly that he can talk to you about how he is feeling, it's important that you don't judge him if and when he decides to talk to you. Continue doing your research so when he does talk to you about it you can both reassure him that what he's going through is normal and you can help give him more information and show him some of the many self-help techniques out there.
I think that the important thing is to keep in contact, letting him know he's not alone out there

[Wonderwoman97]

MrYL,
Thank you so much for your reply! I'm glad to hear I'm on the right track. I will keep your words in mind and will contnue my research and continue being there for my friend.

I really appreciate your time and response

[Spleefy]

Hi Wonderwoman97,

You’ve been a very loving and caring friend to him. I’m sure he knows, evident by your actions, that you really care about him and that he can always rely on you for emotional support.

Romantic relationships are beautiful, but the very nature of them is intense emotions. The intensity of emotions can be quite overwhelming for someone in a volatile and vulnerable state, such as depression. He is also going through a lot right now with his mom and ex in which a romantic relationship may add unnecessary stress at this point in time.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that people with depression (or that you and him) cannot or should not be in a romantic relationship. But in your situation, it may be a good idea to focus on just being there for him, without the added unnecessary stress or expectations of defining what type of relationship you want with him. Perhaps just let it happen naturally?

I sense your eagerness or desire to be his girlfriend. I can appreciate this. And, based on how you described his feelings for you, it is possibly only a matter of time before you can pick up where you left off. But you did say that you would “be okay with just being his friend”.

This is good because, after all, all romantic relationships has its beginnings in friendship. Friendship is a great foundation and prerequisite for a strong romantic relationship.

If he is ready for something more, I’m sure he will make it clear to you. But either way, you still need to be there for him as a friend regardless.

Does that make sense?

In other words, if you are his girlfriend then you are also his friend, and the emotional love and support would be there regardless of what type of relationship you have with him.

As for the support you are giving him—just go by his cues. Continue to show him that you are there for him.

It sounds like you are doing everything right already. You have been an amazing friend and great source of comfort to him, so I wouldn’t over think it. Just keep on being kind and loving to him. That is all you can do.

Just take one day at a time.

Just keep on being you, Wonderwoman97. You have a kind and caring heart.

“Praised be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our trials so that we may be able to comfort others in any sort of trial with the comfort that we receive from God”.—2 Corinthians 1:3, 4.

[Wonderwoman97]

Spleefy,
Wow thank you so much for your reply! And what a beautiful verse- just what I needed to hear today. I’m glad to hear I’m on the right track. Yes, I’d very much love to date this guy, but I’m also trying to keep in mind his needs. For now, it seems like just a friend is needed, which I will be. I’m glad to hear we may be able to pick up where we left off- that brings me hope for us. I am keeping an open mind to other potential dates, but I will always be a friend to this guy. Especially with what he’s going through, he seems like he needs a solid support system.

Thank you very much again for your reply and words!

[Sabio77]

@wonderwoman97, I am glad that you know enough about someone that he is not the right one for a long term relationship. It is common that people find it hard to find the right words to make it known that they only want the status of friends. You have stated that you are still their for him to talk when he wants to. People like honesty, even if it hurts. In the long run, they will respect you more. Try to explain it to him. Hope this helps. Hugs

[Wonderwoman97]

Sabio77,
Thank you so much for your reply!

In truth, I was the one hoping for a relationship; he hit on some hard times and then withdrew. And while I’d still love to date him, because he does have the qualities of someone I’d date long term, I recognize that he’s in a place where maybe he needs to help himself and be with his family.

With that in mind, I do care immensely for him and am willing to be his friend, even if we never date. He’s a good person and he’s someone I’d at least want in my friend group. And, with his situation, I want to be there to offer what support I can.

He’s been having a hard few weeks and we haven’t seen much of each other or talked as often as we did. I really want to reach out and let him know that I am here as his friend and support him, but don’t want to be smothering and I want to be respectful of his needs. But I also want to check in with him and see how he is. Any suggestions on what I can do with that!

Hugs back to you and thank you very much!!