I keep failing myself and everyone around me

[TornGlass]

Hello, I'm new here,

I don't really know if I have depression. Every time I bring it up to myself, I just look at others and end up calling myself weak. "Look at all those other people out there that have real problems: alcohol, abuse, bullying, poverty, etc. And what are you going on about? You're depressed? Woe is me, I can't do anything right."
I always think, "I'm not worthy to be depressed or sad. I'm just a whiney piece of shit that can't do shit."
I'm only 17, and it feels like everything I've done, I've either let myself down or someone else down. I remember I used to do well in school; I'd be one of the "smart" kids. All my friends were smart and we praised being smart. Now, I stay up all night, not to study or do anything respectable, but to procrastinate. I'd spend hours and nights watching youtube, -----, tv shows, literally anything I can get my hands on. I know it's wrong and I need to stop. No matter how much I scream and shout at myself, no matter how much my mom cares for me, I've never done anything but watch my life go by and my hopes and dreams slip past me as I struggle to even move. My mom keeps thinking I'm studying hard or working my ass off when I'm really just staring at a computer screen doing nothing, accomplishing nothing, and being nothing.
The thing is that I like to think I'm relatively kind and empathetic, I don't really complain to others and I don't get upset. I don't argue and I don't yell back. Or at least I try not to. That's why I think other people outside of my family never get overly upset at me. I've never been called a loser by anyone and I never get yelled at severely. Sometimes, I wish people would yell at me; tell me to my face that I am the coward or the irresponsible prick they see. Instead, people just slowly back off. It always ends that way when I find someone new. I'd meet them, impress them a bit at first, but then I'd continue to lower their expectations for me until I'm just nothing to people.
I try to stay positive to myself, give myself confidence. It some times works... for about a day or two, then I'd go back to doing nothing for weeks at a time.
When I was younger, I was taught not to blame others for my mistakes. Now, all I do is blame myself. Every day I look into the mirror and silently scream and yell at the person who has been ruining my life. "It's not their fault, you just forgot to tell them, or you didn't do it right, or you're just not good enough."
I find it hard to cry. It used to be so easy, a year after my father died, I continued to disappoint myself and those around me. Nearly every night, I'd go to sleep silently sobbing and cursing myself. Now, I feel like the pain is even worse, I haven't gotten any better; I'm far less proud of myself, and I hate myself much more. Yet I can't cry. There are so many times I want to cry, because, for some reason, it feels relaxing to let it flow out, to actually feel sad. Because afterward, I'd have my drive back, enough to get me through the day and do stuff. Now, I can't even bring myself to last more than 10 minutes straight on a paper.

[derkderk]

There does seem to be depressive symptoms in what you describe. I do, though, relate to exactly what you are feeling. That thought of "letting others down, letting yourself down" sounds like depression talking. Depression rears its head very randomly and falsely seem logical and truthful. You mentioned your "yelling" at yourself, I think that's likely the "fight" in you trying to get yourself back on track. That anger and fight can be a useful for me getting through some tough times as long as its "Drill Sargent" like as to be productive and not self-flagellating. Though, it can be damaging if expressed outward. Your belief that you are "empathetic" might be more true than you realize.

I also had bouts of good grades among bad due to depression. The feeling of "should" and "supposed to" plagued my mind as well. I made myself at fault for many things for whatever reason. Many years later I saw I was punishing myself because the explanations to why I felt so horrible was being fed by depression rather than seeing depression as the reason. The pain was severe enough to see suicide as a reasonable solution. My mother stepped in and got me to doctors, and continued keeping me more stable.

I think it's important to also know the difference between the act that we put on in public and who we truly are. That public act is just a social buffer to make things easier. It should not represent who you are or supposed to be. Any social pressures that make you less healthy and happy need to be thrown away or re-evaluated. Depression and other mental illnesses suck big-time. Often people need explanations because they haven't a clue to what we feel. If others are aware it can make better friendships, connections and maybe weed out the crappy people too.

I've been told this helpful saying: "As we concern ourselves with how others think of us, others are concerned of how you think of them."

[catch_the_music]

Were you doing okay before your dad passed away? Have you had a good time to grieve after his passing? Dad's are important people to us and their influence is big. You may need someone to help you grieve you lost parent and also to fill you with hope and help you be accountable. A pastor or counselor could point you in the right direction. Prayers that you can get back to being the student/person you know you can be!