Depression Understood Forums

I feel like getting bad again. I've felt ok the past week and I don't like it anymore, I think I want to relapse... I miss my depression and I don't know why, but I feel like I've lost a basic part of me that was and has always been there with me, even if I didn't want it. I feel empty like I have no purpose anymore. I want to be bad again. I feel like I'm being tortured or the meds that are supposed to be helping are taking everything away now. I want it back. I don't want to feel happy like this all the time, it's unnatural for me and I don't like it. I need to relapse... I liked myself more like a quiet depressed person because now I feel I am just disgustingly happy. I still get kind of depressed like right now but it's not real... artificial happiness is what it really is. It's not me. It feels like a third eye.

It's very difficult to answer this while remaining positive. It worries me that you want to be depressed. If you're using things like depression and other labels (such as gender) to define who you are as a person then you've got a very difficult journey ahead of you.
If you're saying that you are responding badly to the medication then that's different. They can't make you happy, no more than pain-killers actually fix a problem. It's artificial and maybe that's why you're feeling negative towards that? This sort of medication only has value if they help moderate the extreme depression that prevents people from carrying out their daily lives, they shouldn’t be prescribed as an everyday fix.
Perhaps depression has simply became the norm for you and you want to revert to the familiar?
I think you're having trouble accepting your own identity. A very large part of life is finding out who we really are and being the best person we can be. There are no short cuts and no easy answers, even though the media likes to pretend there is.
Good luck figuring out what you want, I wish you the best.

Thanks for the feedback Jtw.

It sounds like you are feeling disoriented because you are adjusting to a new regimen of medication and you are not used to the way it is making you feel. I agree with what Jtw said about how you may just want to return to what is familiar to you. Sometimes familiar things are more comforting. It can be scary to try new things and new ways of doing things even when those new ways are better for us. You said that you thought you did not have any purpose anymore. I am wondering what you felt like your purpose was before and how this new happiness that your are feeling has changed that exactly. Perhaps the happiness is not artificial, but it just seems that way temporarily because it has been such a long time since you have experienced any happiness due to your depression. Sometimes when I am feeling especially depressed I believe that I do not deserve to be happy for some reason or another but it is just my faulty belief that makes me think that I do not deserve to be happy. Sometimes I just need to give myself permission to be happy for awhile. If life is like a rollercoaster with its ups and down, we cannot really enjoy the ride without both the ups and the downs. Hope you feel better soon. I'll be praying for you.

Thank you Jgal, thatś very kind of you.
-Inatura