My story

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Teddy_Todd
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Mar 01, 2019 10:43 pm

My story

Postby Teddy_Todd » Sat Mar 02, 2019 12:32 am

So for anyone reading this and has any advice I could use it. But here I go

I was born December 19 1999 from what I’ve been told I was a happy baby who laughed at mufasa dying in the lion king and stole toys and books from my nursery. Generally energetic classy baby stuff ensued but overall I was a little shit.

When I was 4 I moved up to Reception where my life started to take the turn for the worse. I had a teacher who I’ll call Mrs.P ,cause I can’t spell it for the life of me, and she hated my guts because my parents where rather pushy. She wouldn’t let me go outside, she sat me in the corner or on the floor, yelled at me for inane things like having a tooth fall out, etc. Every day I’d go in and do my work and the only time I was free was when she went to go get coffee and I could watch children play through the fire exit. This continues on for a year and a half where I developed a nasty habit of starving myself, making sure I got sick and making myself have nosebleeds cause they’re easy to hide. In that time i learnt how to first aid to a degree because teachers would never help me clean up wounds and I got pretty good at studying. Since they had no reason to keep me inside anymore, despite other students having done less work than me when break came, I was let out to play but I was very awkward and didn’t know how to interact with anyone. One thing lead to another and my teachers plus the head of the school called my mum without getting any professionals to check and called me autistic which and well my parents took me to a different school.

I tell you this because surprise I developed a swift fear of people after that and tried my best to talk to others despite doing so causing me great paranoia which made me a huge target for bullying. Also I was confused about my gender since I didn’t feel fully like a boy. It was strange like my body wasn’t my own and I related to girls more than I did to boys. I was in a catholic school so there was no way that I’d be getting any help even if I knew what being gay or trans was so this added to the whole shebang but I digress.

I was put through the wringer and the only reason why I even stayed at school was because of Mrs Bedford. She was so lovely and managed to get her foot in the door and actually teach me how to write properly and how to read despite my struggles plus she also understood what I was going through. I struggled to leave bed and people where just stressful to me especially since being the new kid and socially awkward meant that I was bullied from day one. I’ve had everything you can think of throughout schooling but in primary school I was called “girl” which only strengthened my “dysforia” (I don’t know if it was and I don’t want to self diagnose so hooray) while also being physically bullied. My eating habits left me pretty gaunt and I towered over most kids my age so a strong breeze could knock me over which a lot of the boys took to their advantage to prove their might and thus I started to develop into a very depressed person. At age 8 I tied a noose in my room with many pairs of shoelaces which could support my weight but before I did anything I just ended up curling up into a ball in the middle of the floor and crying for a few hours before barely being able to feel anything at all. An all consuming lethargy and numbness took over and the walls of my room where the only place I felt at home. Talking to my parents was scary because anytime I did they’d tell the school then the school would talk to me and the bully with my parents only making the bully act out more. I’ve never had good experiences with teachers and the first time I was called to her office all I remember was going to the toilets and having a panic attack. When I was 9 a lot of things happened. I lost my smell because of my bad nose bleed habit which I vowed never to self harm again and I have carved out a chunk of the inner nose wall. I developed a nasty case of psaoriasis due to stress which only gave more ammo for people since I grew bad yellow heads (at least what my mum calls skin that’s grown around hair). I failed to mention my love for animals but every year the one thing I asked for my birthday was a dog which I got when I was 10. She’s a starry lab cross and I remember when I first saw her she was the first to come up to me out of the litter and since then we’ve been inseparable. I called her Dixie.

I can confidently say Dixie has saved my life especially since I moved to secondary school. My problems didn’t get any better because after being promised a new start then realising all of my worst bullies had moved there with me and also being slapped across the face everyday I grew vengeant. If they where going to hate me I was gonna give them a f****** good reason to. I was clambering for any reason to get attention and I became Pre-character development Ted (PDT for short). PDT was the most annoying bitch you knew. A gaunt human that only gained satisfaction through Disbey straight to video Hijinks. Here are a few notable stories.

I once annoyed some dude who slapped me every day. His name was Louis (pronounced like regular Lewis) and we knew each other when we where 5 and my mum got us in the say form despite my protests. He was a straight up greasy mong of a human who could stand my presence for more than 15 minutes so I vaguely associated with him. He once told me he never washes his hands which only makes this more terrifying. He use to slap me roundness the face everyday when he’s see me for a hello and was generally unpleasant. He hated it when anyone mispronounced things and would talk at length to correct someone so everyday I use to mispronounce something. He knew I was doing it on purpose and you could see the twitch in his eye every single time. After the first term I upgraded to once a paragraph and kept doing it more until during a game of yugioh where he sleighted my name and touched my hand with his filthy mits I said “Er Erctervert mer terp cerd” and he hotness up and left. I was so elated and i never felt happier.

I got this couple to break up. So I was a quiet dude with resting school shooter face which no one ever wanted to talk to which made me perfect for telling secrets to. In groups the animals where confident and mocked me accordingly but on their own a few where chill including this one couple. Let’s call them Jade and Felipe. They where relatively popular but this was 15 so everything in that relationship had to end somehow. I was a mutual person they would talk to and well neither of them where too embarrassed to talk to me so every now and then we’d talk and omg they wouldn’t stop bitching. “He’s not paying enough attention to me” “she’s being a bitch” “I’m entitled” “I’m an alpha” blah blah blah. I do admit I had a mild and very confusing crush on Felipe who was a tall Portuguese boy who was semi muscular but I didn’t understand my homoerotic tendencies and I was depressed enough without being bitched to so I because the new Sherlock Holmes. The Pouiroux inside me stalked both of these bitches subtly until I found Felipe was cheating on Jade. I took a picture on my slab phone and got to work where I made a fake facebook account and sent the picture under “LeEpicFace” which was a mildly racist epic face which hadn’t a monocle, top hat and handlebar moustache which I thought was cool. They broke up the next day and the account due to the fear of consequences and thinking that if they knew who I was the ex-military head of behaviour was going to make me do push-ups and yell at me I deleted and to which I say “goodnight sweet angel. You where the hero we deserved but not the one we needed”

The teachers wherent safe either. There was this OCD biology teacher who was to say the least a bit thicc so I will call her DR.THICC. I was probably reading Naruto, bleach or one piece in the middle of one her lessons and she’s caught me, saw that I wasnt doing work and swiftly told me to stay behind after school the next day. This was like she went up to my mother and stabbed her 10 times then cooked my dog. I felt like my world was ending and I went and cried in the bathroom because of it so I was going to get revenge. This happened during Tuesday morning and Wednesday was meeting day so when I walked i knew it was now or never. I went to her desk and messed up all her papers and moved her belongings. I took her phone and I hid inside a potted plant in a different room. I took the neatly organised exercise books and shuffled them about and finally I took all of the writing books and shuffled them into different trays which I also rearranged. No work was done that next day and her phone wasn’t found for 3 days.

And the final story which I’ll grace you with is how’s I singlehandedly robbed the school of thousands of pounds and single-handedly down the videogame club. I was eating a packet of crisps in a classroom because I wasn’t talking to someone and being the social tsundere I was I took this vague social interaction as a god send to break up the crippling nothing. I was told to do cleaning duty the next day and if staying behind at school was murder this was the genocide of my whole family. Cleaning duty was the punishment which students use to get ignored they made messes where you where partnered up with a cleaner and had to clean the faculty to see what they’d have to do in a day. I made preparations for the heist immediately making sure I had my pockets empty and hadn’t extra ones between the lining of my blazer and material. I was paired up with the overworked and underpaid polish woman called Lisa who told me that “I knew what to do” in broken English and left me then I descended upon the maths department like an angel of death and no calculator was safe. I took anything that wasn’t nailed down and couldnt be tracked. Rulers, pencils, pens, a copyright of the fault in our stars which I think I still have, etc until I went into the it room to find the jewel of my heist. My school is near a warehouse which was rather buddy buddy with the school since they could cherry pick students to come work for the most after graduating so they have the school some Raspberry’s PI chips. I took all of them since they where brand new and the school even set up a videogame club. I took all 5 of them. I wasn’t suspected since on cleaning duty I wasn’t with the cleaner and she wasn’t going to lose her job over this as well as other people having stayed on to do revision and had a lot more time than me.

Despite what levity I inject secondary school was the worst. It only worsened my fear of people and mad eyes me more depressed. It doesn’t offer any support outside of the DSP (disabled) department and only really didn’t anything ignore you where diagnosed before hand so I had no escape outside of my dog. Many a time I’ve been pressing a blade onto my skin in order to deal a finishing blow and she’s always been there for me. My mum had a VO business so i couldn’t make friends online or talk to anyone because the phone could ring at any time. Dad was the and still isnt much help either. He’s a hardy man who’s ex-military (territorial army’s mechanic) and doesn’t have the best example with his parents so he’s got the emotional support ability of a 4 channer. I hadn’t no one and I thought it was normal because I’d be told that everyone’s gets sad and everyone struggles sleeping. I just needed to eat more (whichever wasn’t true but it made me feel like I was rewarding myself for something I didn’t deserve) and it never helped.

I don’t know what possessed me but I stayed there for sixthform which was the worst year of my lifeblood so far. As previously stated I wasn’t the brightest but I decided to do maths, further maths, physics, chemistry and art which is 1 more than average and I hadn’t overlapping lessons too. I wasn’t overworked because I was Alison tutoring the lower years and I learnt a ton a slower pace so wanting a break from it all I signed up to do NCS to get some needed time off. I’m sure people have had a lot more positive experiences but my lack of social skills and lack of sleep caused me to be irrational at best. I hadn’t been openly out for a year so I was approached by a dude who I thought wasn’t cute to begin with. Generally has having a shit time and having some much needed support I didn’t realise the warning signals and I was around his pinky by the end of the week. I’ll call him Magnus. He was shorter than me but more muscular polish dude who wasn’t pretty masculine and as the biological woman I am I wasn’t smitten but his approach of “only talk to me and tell no one” wasn’t ringingly already. After we met up and well he forced me to do some things I regret and we broke up quite horribly after with him saying “I’m not gay then” which isn’t still a fear to this. I didn’t get a rape kit done because I was ashamed and embarrassed plus I felt as if I deserved it for allowing myself to let this happen. This hollow pit is your punishments for needing someone. The stress only built up and I was failing everything. I got sick almost everybody other week from it too and some people who realised i was really just depressed all the time who I spoke to suggested I get some dating apps since I have a few problems when it comes to dating.

It was December and we where off from sixthform. I had grindr speaking so I was speaking to this dude who was nearby (an hours walk) and he said he was a 30 year old. I had spoken to him about my problems and stresses and he supported me. He was so kind and warming I remember speaking to him when’s I turned 17 and I was hiding from family. I wanted to repay him for being so kind but he managed to convince me that I could only do it through sex. I was groomed on the 23rd of December 2017 to this baldness middle age Mann who’s dog walked in. I just wanted to die after and during.

I moved to college and mental health has improved ever since. I’m doing something I love which is art and ive managed to make some friends. I forced myself rob join the student’s union and day by day I keep being convinced people arent as bad as I think despite still being terrified. I’m getting Councilling which has unearthed some things and well I’m not coping well. Im self harming again and im taking antidepressants (sentraline 100mg but im thinking of getting it upped). I can’t sleep and I sleep too much. I’ve been getting these things Ive called “absences” where I just get shoved to the back of my brain and can’t tell do anything. It’s like sleep and recently i collapsed 3 times in one day and didn’t mean manage to get anything checked because “I thought it was normal this happens all the time I just don’t usually go limp”.

I don’t know how to cope and I know this is long but if anyone has any advice please tell me.

Sincerely, Teddy

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