My turn I guess...

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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jodbug
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Feb 03, 2009 2:05 am

My turn I guess...

Postby jodbug » Tue Feb 03, 2009 2:53 am

Hi everyone...I think that maybe if I just write down all the junk that's accumulated in my head over the past while, I might feel a little bit better so bear with me folks lol. Kind of like some free-writing exercise, but with a bitter edge to it I suppose...

I'm 22 years old and kind of feel like I've been walking through life in a haze for the past three years. Ok, if I'm being honest, it's been more like eleven years- the first eight were joyful denial. This March will mark the eleven-year anniversary of my father's death, which is where some of my feelings stem from I'm sure- at least that's what a psychiatrist would say, right? I was completely and utterly in love with my father: We were best friends from the moment I came screaming and writhing into the world, and when he died, my life fell apart. We were best buds due to the fact that he lost his job when I was very young and was basically the stay-at-home parent, doing odd jobs to help fulfill his need to be the provider while my mom worked full-time and brought home the bacon. We formed this inseperable bond and not only did I always want to be around him, but I was always scared to dissapoint him. My mom let me get away with everything because I was an unruly little devil-child and my dad was the one who disciplined me and tried to teach me lessons about life. When he died, I was in complete denial for a very long time- walking into the house and still expecting him to be there with a big grin on his face for almost two years. I finally woke up one day and realized that he was gone:This wasn't some joke that a funny guy like him would play, this was real life. Something snapped inside my brain that day, or maybe it was my heart breaking in two, but I haven't been the same ever since. I went through this horrible phase of accepting his passing by doing everything possible to make my mother upset. I engaged in self-destructive behaviours, lied, stole, said and did horrible things. I didn't know my mother, and finally one day I just came right out and told her that. Although we overcame that phase and got to know each other and we now have a bond very similar to the one I shared with my father, I feel this immense pressure to live up to her expectations of me and it follows me around wherever I go. I feel like I have to make up for the bad things I did when I was younger and I have to make her proud of me no matter what. And no matter what I do, I always seem to let her down...So, what's the point right?

My mother was a labourer her whole life, from the time she was sixteen years old. She raised three kids basically on her own, dealt with a first husband who would cheat on her while she was working, the death of her second husband, a knight in shining armour who turned out the be nothing but a disgusting excuse of a man, and she is the strongest and most beautiful woman I'll ever have the pleasure of knowing. I don't know how to be her- I don't know how to grow into that person I admire so much. Maybe I can't. In my entire life, I can count the number of times on one hand that my mother has told me she's proud of me, and for someone who strives to get that recognition, it's so hard not getting it. I always manage to screw something up or say something wrong or just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She always seems to have something negative to say. If I clean my entire apartment and she comes over, she'll notice the one cobweb I've missed, or the tiny burn in the carpet. All the little things she picks at about me and my life are eating away at me one horrible little nip at a time. She eyes me up and down and always has to make a remark about my weight or my hair or my makeup. And the worse part about it is that she's never mean about it. She never says, "Oh my God, you're fat!" It's always, "Oh, have you been walking lately? What did you eat today?" If I get upset with her and cry she just gets angry with me and calls me a baby because she's not emotional like I am and she can't wrap her head around why on earth someone should cry about her saying that my shirt is too tight. But what she doesn't understand is that it's not the shirt, it's the endless comments about everything in my life.It's the lack of recognition for all of the big things I do. It's the hopeless feeling I get everytime I see her. It's the feeling that despite everything she says and how much it all hurts...She's RIGHT. She's always right and I know it whole-heartedly and I can't blame her for the things that are wrong with me.

I met my boyfriend two years ago, right after I flunked out of college for the first time. He's a wonderful guy, but like so many people on here I'm always attracted to those people who need help. I need to feel validated by knowing that I'm helping someone. All of my friends are either alcoholics, drug addicts, or homosexuals (not that there's anything wrong with that AT ALL, but being friends with a gay individual requires a person to be very understanding and helpful, especially considering society today). The funny thing is, none of these friends truly know or understand what I feel nor do they care to ask. My one good friend who I could just cry to moved away and it's not the same crying over the phone lol. And he's overcome so much being a young man who came out only five years ago: He's so inspiring and I love him for his guts and his willpower, two things I pretend to possess but don't have at all. My boyfriend is wonderful and he'll just let me vent and cry and scream and blow my nose all over him (lol!) but he's not much of a talker, just the listening type, and like I said he's not anywhere near to being emotionally stable either so it's hard for him to say anything.

I'm taking Business in college now: Yes, I picked myself up off the floor after flunking Addictions Counselling the first time, but again, I'm on the road to failure. And I don't understand WHY?! I love my program, I love the professors. I love learning. I'm smart- and I don't just say that because I'm an egotistical person, I really AM smart. I could do so many wonderful things. But I just can't. I can't bring myself to go to school, I'd rather lay on the couch and stare at the TV all day. I don't move. I'll shower...And put my pj's back on. But I'll go over and hang out with friends and I'll drink on the weekend and have a good time and I'll hang out with my boyfriend. But I can't go to school? What gives? I feel this complete lack of motivation. I don't know if it's because I'm scared of what might happen if I succeed? Or if I'm scared I just won't succeed at all. In fact, I'm sure I won't succeed at all. Because success is measured in my mother's eyes and in her eyes, she already has the wonderful successful child in my sister and nothing I'll ever do will match that- even though she insists it isn't true.

I'm just so scared of what's going to happen to me if I don't do something about the way I'm feeling. I'm absolutely hopeless. I don't dream like other people. I don't know what's in store for me. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't have the slightest CLUE. I don't picture myself in ten years- I'm lucky if I can picture myself tomorrow. And every single day I'm away from my classes, I fall further and further behind. I avoid the internet so I don't have to read e-mails from concerned school mates or teachers- so I don't have to make up excuses. I avoid my mother and hide from her so she thinks I'm at school. My grandma is dying and my mothers living with her right now and if I fail school, it will destroy her especially because of my grandma and especially because I've screwed up college once before and I can't afford to do it again. Because money makes the world go 'round baby, and nobody is more familiar with that than someone who's worked in a factory their whole life and spent half of it drilling it into their child's head. And I put on a happy face and I do my hair and makeup and I feel good- I look good! But inside I can't wait to go home and turn on the TV and just drop out of life. I can't wait to go home and vegetate and ignore the phone because I never know who's calling and I don't want to make up lies and excuses for just wanting to be ALONE and just wanting to not THINK about anything. And the more I write, the more angry I get at myself for feeling this way. The more guilty I feel for not being the person everyone expects me to be. But I just can't be and God help me, how will I ever be able to tell anyone that?

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Feb 03, 2009 10:25 pm

Hi ((((((((((( jodbug )))))))))))))))

Oh dear, sounds like you have 'a full plate' right now.

Perhaps consider going to the chat room that is connected with this forum. So many people, from all over the world, that have gone through so much themselves.

I find being there chattering with these wonderful people helps so much, especially when you are at your lowest.

May not have 'answers' but the concern, support and caring is in full swing there. A safe place to be.

Hope to see you there.........

Warmie 8)


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