Lost and Confused

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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footballfan
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Jan 26, 2009 7:45 pm

Lost and Confused

Postby footballfan » Mon Jan 26, 2009 7:49 pm

Hello All,

This is awkward I will admit. I have never really 'talked' about my problems, and I dunno if this is the right thing to do or not? I just wanted to get my story out there and to see if people could offer advice. Maybe some will say 'I know exactly what your going through', or maybe it's more 'You don't really have any problems.' I am really unsure what to expect, but here goes.

My Story:

I don't even know where to start to be honest. My life seems so messed up to me, but in reality I am sure it isn't nearly as bad as I make it seem.
I have so many emotions that are constantly going through me. I can go from happy, to sad, to angry so quickly, I know this isn't normal, but because
of this I really don't have a grasp on reality any more. I don't know what to believe when it comes to my emotions any more. Am I really angry?
Am I really sad? Am I really happy? I have tried to pinpoint events or things that might so call 'trigger' my emotions, but they come so randomly
I have yet to be able to determine what they are. Perhaps my life is more common than I think, ha, I am sure it is. Why would my trials and tribulations
be so special? I am sure more people are going through this that I, or anyone else really realizes. Because if the people are like me, then they don't
show this. They put on a front and people on the outside looking in think things are great. But the truth is that things aren't great, things are horrible.
It's actaully quite funny, not in a haha way of course, but because of how I am, when things seem to go my way, or I think I am happy, I sabatoge it. It's
like I feel I should be miserable and that I dont deserve to be happy?

I guess the question right now is who am I? To be honest I don't know. I mean I have a name, everyone does, but I don't know what defines me? I
think if I did it would help you know? I seem to just be drifting right now, but I don't know why? My life is good, or at least it looks to be? When I
say this I don't want to sound conceded or anything, far from that. But I have a very good job, I make good money compared to most people out there, and
at the age of 23 things are only looking better. I am told I have so much potential, that I am going to go a long ways. Maybe I am? Maybe I am not?
The unknown frightens me. I wish I knew what was in store for me in life, but I am sure most people wish that. So most would say my professional
life is great.

My social life? Wow, I don't know. I could have a much better one if I chose? But unfortunatly I seem to prefer to just sit at home and
not go out. It's not that I really prefer that, I just have issues that make me stay in rather than go out. I'll admit it, I am afraid to. Pathetic,
I know, but I can't help it. I can trace this back to high school? Yes I had friends, I was actually well liked. Many people I talked to, and a close
group I hung out with that really turned more into family. As the years progressed though I started distancing myself. It was horrible, they were such
great people. I wouldn't talk to them for weeks at a time, which turned into months at a time, but they always welcomed me back, always very understanding
but never really knowing what was going on through me. I was scared. I Was scared to go out in public, I was scared to be with them, with anyone? There is
a reason for this, which I Will get to after I discuss the next portion of my life.

My love life. Ha, your probably thinking what love life right? I mean a guy who is scared to be in public, how can he have a love life. It's funny, my life
that is, you will hear me tell you things only to hear me tell you something else that completely contradicts it. But I promise you it's all true, I can't
understand it, maybe it's why I feel like I am going crazy? But my love life is good, sorta? I date, quite a bit actually, probably too much? I don't know,
perhaps it's because I am wanting to find love so bad? I am really a simple guy, at least I tend to believe so. I don't want much in this life, I just
want to find the woman I can fall in love with, who will love me just as much and have a family one day together ya know? Ha, im 23 and saying these things,
I know your thinking I shouldn't be worried about that, I should be having fun and enjoying life, there is plenty of time later to worry about love and
having a family. At least that's what most people have told me. But I can't help that those are my priorities you know? I would rather be working hard
so that I can make more money so I can support a family one day than go out and get drunk. But enough of that, about my love life. I have dated quite a
few women, most in the last few years. My first girlfriend was for 3 years, it didn't work, but we were both our first real bf/gf, so we made many
mistakes in that relationship that we both learned from but that we weren't able to over come in that relationship. I usually date a girl for a few weeks,
maybe a few months before it's over. Honestly, I have done the breaking up as much as they have done the breaking up. I feel though that I have
probably broken up unfairly with most of them, I feel bad about it sometimes, other times I dont? I am not a mean person, and I hope that didn't make me sound
like one. It's just, I couldn't handle it. The women I have dated have all been exceptionally pretty. And I am a big believer in beauty is in the eye
of the beholder, so they were excepitionally pretty to me. But they were very pretty to most, and they get hit on all the time. I am a jealous person,
I admit it, but not in a bad way. What I mean by this is take for example the girl I am dating now. She is probably the most beautiful girl I have dated
yet. She is funny and smart, and just seems so perfect to me. But she gets hit on all the time, and she mostly has guy friends, whom some of them have
made it clear they would like to be more than friends, but she avoids them once they make that clear. The point I am making though is that I don't tell
her who she can hang out with, I dont call her demanding to know where she is, who she is with. I dont't read her txt messages on her phone or wonder
who is calling her when it rings. I know that if I want it to work, and with this one I truly do, that I have to trust her. Without trust I feel
that any relationship is doomed to failure, and I really think this one could go somewhere. But I will sit at home sometimes and worry, what is she doing?
Who is she with? Could she be cheating? She tells me she loves me, does she really? I don't act on these emotions, at least not with her. I dont't
want to break up with her, because to be honest, I do love her, when I am with her, or when we just talk on the phone, or through txt messages, I am
never happier, it's fantastic. But sometimes, I just get so confused. I think I over react to things? She went through a stage when she was younger,
did some things she wishes she didn't, but who hasn't? But she has told me some of the things, and I don't know. Immeaditly I think it's over, I can't
be with her. But then I think about how I really do love her, how these are things that happened in the past, and I just go crazy, I jump to conclusions
and it drives me mad.

I think most of my problems, with these three aspects of my life is due to my low self esteem? Ha, if you talked to some people who know me they
would tell you I was conceded. But it's all a show, I have to put on a show, if I acted the way I really felt out there, I don't know? I probably
wouldn't be able to function at all? But it's why I am so afraid to go in public. I feel like people are staring at me, judging me more than
anyone else out there? I don't know why, I get dressed, I look in the mirror and I just can't go out. This probably has a bit to do with high school. I
was a very skinny kid. Which is probably what made me so self concious. But over the last few years I have ate healthy, I work out religiously, and it has
pretty much changed how I look. I have coworkers and friends who tell me they wish they were in my shape, I have had girlfriends who have told me they
love my body, you would think I would be over being self concious. But I am not, I still see myself as the high school kid. I Can't take a compliment
from people. I hate to say this, but I just think they are lieing, I just don't believe them. I always tell myself I just need to workout a bit more,
I still have more work to do. But I am afraid it is going to be an endless cycle with me. I am afraid I am never going to feel good enough, and this is
affecting myself so much. I get extremely nervous going out into public because of this, I am almost too afraid to go anywhere by myself, I feel like I
am going to find the girl of my dreams, who honestly I think is the girl I am dating now, and I am going to lose her and miss out on the opportunity of
being with her forever and not realize it until it is too late.

It's horrible. Every day I feel like my mind is slipping. Too many emotions going through me too quickly that I just can't handle it. I wish I knew
how to stop them. I wish I knew how to just be happy with myself, to just be happy with my life, to accept things the way they are and to believe
things will get better. But the truth is I am not happy with myself, I don't think things are going to get better, and I feel like I can never
be happy with my life because when things go good I sabatoge them because like I said, I feel like I shouldn't be happy and I just don't know why.

I know that was probably wrong, and if you took the time to read it thank you. If it was too long I apologize, but thank you for triyng.

aim
Posts: 974
Joined: Wed Nov 26, 2008 4:40 pm
Location: USA

Postby aim » Sun Feb 01, 2009 8:39 pm

Hi footballfan. Didn't it feel pretty good to get all that off your chest? And I did read the whole thing.

It sounds to me that you are probably trying to discover who exactly you are. Which, I can promise you, is common at your age. The only advice I can give for that is...go with the flow. Take note of your feelings and try to figure out why you are feeling something at a certain time. That might give you a clearer picture of the man you are becoming.

It also sounds like you might have some social phobia. It is definitely something for you to look into, and perhaps speak to a doctor about. Social phobia can be crippling; hopefully, if you do have it, you can begin to take the necessary steps to conquer it.

It also sounds like you are extremely hard on yourself. Take it easy... you are only human. And you do deserve happiness; we all do.

I hope things improve for you, and I hope to see you in the chat room associated with this forum. (((((((((footballfan))))))))))) hugs to you.

User avatar
Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
Contact:

Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Feb 03, 2009 10:36 pm

H footballfan

Thank you for sharing as you have.

The chat room is a wonderful place for you to find understanding, caring people that deal with daily depression and anxiety. There are no professional connected with either site, just caring people that understands what it is to deal with situations, as we do.

Please consider joining us, making friends, receiving understanding and support. It is a safe place to go.

Warmie 8)


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