I feel ridiculous

[casx18]

I am 18 years old and have a perfect life: I have two decent parents who love me and let me stay in their house while I'm saving to move out, I had a car(it broke and I have no $ to fix it yet), I work two jobs, have decent grades, posess a large gift of musical talent, and have a loving, devoted boyfriend of 2 years now. I feel ridiculous because I know all of these things should be making me happy but none of them do.
I've always been a rather angsty teenager with all of my stupid high school drama- but over the past year or so, something changed.
I've lost all interest in the one thing that I used to love most- playing my flute. I used to be really good at it, and now I don't ever pick it up- I have auditions for college in February and I still can't make myself practice for them. I was never the supermodel size, but I've recently gained 50 lbs or more and it's devistating me. I feel like all of my old friends have abandoned me and no matter what my boyfriend does, I snap at him and push him away. I love him very much and it's killing me to hurt him the way I do. My parents are in and out of jobs and my family and I can not afford to seek therapy so I try very hard to put on a happy face. I am not suicidal - just hopeless. I used to think it was my birth control that was causing my weight gain, fatigue, and mood swings so we tried different ones, and then i decided to stop all together. It's been about 4 months and nothing has changed. If anything, conditions have worsened. I am lost. I don't really know why I am posting this, I don't know much anymore. But that's my story I guess. =/

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hi cas,

You aren't alone with the battle of anxiety and depression. It is a stranger that isn't welcomed by many but we deal with it.

There is a chat room connected with this forum. Give it a try! Some great people there that deal with what you do. Good support there.

Warmie

[Emotional_77]

I agree with Jeanie about the chat room, you will find many who is close to the same situation as you are and you will get more advice as well.

All I can say is it does sound like depression to me One thing I want to ask though is does you boyfriend know about your current feelings and is he aware that your actions are not done on purpose? The reason why I am asking cause, I don't know, sometimes I think thats why I lost my boyfriend was because of this whole depression thing of mine. Your lucky you got family and a supportive boyfriend, make sure you communicate with them and let them try to understand that some things you dont mean to act on. If they love you truly they will understand.

Many prayers go your way.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( casx18 ))))))))))))))))))))

Still here for you, you are in my thoughts.

Warmie

[aim]

Cas - I'm sorry about your situation, and I do agree wtih Emotional that it does sound like depression. Losing interest in something you loved is definitely a tell-tale sign of depression, I'm afraid.

I understand that your financial situation is tough, but there are probably some mental health clinics that allow you to pay them on a sliding scale. Something to look into, perhaps?

I'm glad to hear that you are not suicidal, but please understand that depression is an illness, and most people need professional help to get out of it.

I'm glad you posted, and do hope you read the replies and post again. Many prayers going out your way, cas...

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( casx18 )))))))))))))))))

Now getting on track, so sending a hug to you to let you know you are in my thoughts.

Take care and stay strong

Warmie

[BrokenPen]

I certainly agree with the other posters that depression can strike people who seem to have it all and should be happy for their own situation but for some reason both unknown to them and those around them, it doesn't seem to be enough.

Of course, I myself have tried to lay this out at different online sites and there is such intolerable cruelty out there when you expose your vulnerable underside to people they take the opportunity to kick you where it hurts and is already hurting.

It also gets irritating when people call you "emo" when you're dealing with anxiety and depression, doesn't it for you?

[aim]

Brokenpen... it sounds like you've been kicked around quite a bit, huh? I'm so sorry for that... I guess I've been blessed in the sense that those around me have been very kind and patient with me. EXCEPT - when this all was first hitting me, I was called, "crazy," by certain family members. It was meant in jest, but it did hurt like heck. To this day, no one can call me crazy, even joking around. It hurts too much.

[BrokenPen]

Brokenpen... it sounds like you've been kicked around quite a bit, huh? I'm so sorry for that... I guess I've been blessed in the sense that those around me have been very kind and patient with me. EXCEPT - when this all was first hitting me, I was called, "crazy," by certain family members. It was meant in jest, but it did hurt like heck. To this day, no one can call me crazy, even joking around. It hurts too much.

Aim - So you can understand where I'm coming from about my irritation with the internet culture as well as regular people who see me (and I'm sure, depressed people, as emo).

But yeah, I have been kicked around quite alot. Even though my situation is comfortable, the psychological situation is very different with the strain of trying to make it on my own as well as trying to be a success.

[aim]

Take all of that being kicked around, and turn it into something positive, brokenpen. Like your writing! We write what we know, don't we? A short story or two, or twenty, maybe? Channel it, brokenpen...

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( case18 )))))))))))))))))

Was wondering how you are doing? Still working, grades, etc? Hope you have managed to get some sort of professional help. Just hadn't seen posting from you so thought I would send yet another hug your way.

Please take care and truly hope you do read and continue posting. It helps.

tc

Warmie

[casx18]

I have been really busy lately and unable to get on the internet so i want to apologize for my tardiness.

I'm just thanking you guys for reading my entry, replying, and caring. It truly means a lot to me and I'm very touched.
An update I guess: Nothing has changed yet, I'm trying to stay positive and keep myself busy but it seems to be making things worse. I have gained 15 pounds since the last time i wrote. That's the worst part.
To be a little graphic, my sex drive is zero and I'm not sure if that is because of the depression or is a contributor towards it. My relationship is suffering because of it-although he refuses to admit it. I know it's hurting him just as much as it is me. I have a Dr. appt on friday and I'm hoping to maybe get some professional help. Maybe...

Thank you so much again for everything...I'll definitely be on more often now that my internet has been repaired.

[aim]

Cas - so nice to hear from you again! Glad you are back.

Also glad that you are going to the doctor. Please make sure you tell him everything that is going on with you, ok? He or she will only get a clear picture of what is going on with you if they know everything - including your low sex drive and weight gain.

Have you talked to your partner about it? Does he know what is going on with you?