Eating Disorder Story - How I recovered

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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simpleblue
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Joined: Sun Dec 14, 2008 9:15 pm

Eating Disorder Story - How I recovered

Postby simpleblue » Mon Dec 29, 2008 3:25 pm

I've had several people on IRC Chat ask me how I recovered, and so I thought I'd copy this post I made on another board. It was typed in May of 2005 and I am still recovered.


Recovering From An Eating Disorder

I'm not sure what an eating disorder feels like anymore. I've recovered to the point were it's like it hadn't happened, and that's definitely a 'good' thing! ;)

There were so many reasons why I might have developed an eating disorder... Maybe it was my shyness, my feeling of incompetency, something to brag about, a way to hurt others, a way to hurt myself, a way to feel important, a way to get attention, a way to 'escape' from the world...

During my peak of sickness I wanted to be sick, I craved it. I wouldn't call my friends and I would just stay home and read books all day... One day I was talking to one of my friends and he said "If you took the energy you use to hurt yourself and used it towards helping yourself you could do so much!" It made so much sense, and that's what started me on my long journey to recovery.

I learned some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Meditated, Visualized, Read affirmations, Used Positive Thinking Techniques, Did every SomethingFishy Recovery Activity, Read countless Self-Help Books, and so much more. I did this for many years before my ED, and during my ED. And it did NOTHING to help my recovery. I think this was because I was afraid, and I didn't want to let go of my 'special talent' and take that risk. I didn't want to recover, and I was afraid to face the world with what little I thought I had to offer.

Eventually I really started to face myself, literally. I looked in the bathroom mirror into my eyes and asked myself what I truly wanted out of life. The answer that came back was: happiness , fun , and peacefullness . I told myself "I love you" and I started to cry. I thought "How can I do this to myself!?!" :cry:

Almost every day I went on SomethingFishy (Eating Disorders Forum) and posted. I challenged others and myself to do something each day that would help in recovery. I kept looking in the mirror and I made a promise that I would recover. I kept telling myself every day that I loved myself... I eventually started to tell parts of my body that I loved them too - "I love you belly!" At first I didn't believe it, I just believed that if I kept saying it I might believe it, maybe.

I remember I made a post about sucking my belly in to look thinner, and I had promised myself I would stop. And I remember walking down the street and 'letting go.' I was scared and I felt exposed and inadaquate. I eventually turned my fears into a positive experience by telling myself the positive image I was sending people - that we don't have to look perfect to feel and be great people! ;)

One day I had been talking to my friend and he told me to get rid of my scale, and I said "No way, I need my scale!" and he asked why, and I gave an inadaquate answer. Then later that night while I was in bed I got thinking "You know, I CAN get rid of my scale. What's stopping me!?! - Nothing!" I got right out of bed, dressed quickly and grabbed that scale. I took it outside and stomped on it!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, what a feeling of relief! :P I could wake up in the mornings now and not have to do my usual 'weigh-in' ritual. Instead I went into the bathroom and did my "I love myself" ritual in the mirror and I'd cry with happiness!

During that 'scaleless' week I felt very insecure. I tried my best to 'feel' my feelings and type them out. I had my friends give me support and they asked me every now and then how I was doing. It helped me to feel comforted.

A little later, and on the day of my birthday I had an appointment. I told my doctor that I was ready to try medication for my anxiety and depression. I was tired of lying in bed crying, too afraid to ask for help, even on the the internet, and sitting at home with a brain filled with confusion and torment.

I took my medication and quite quickly I noticed relief. A peaceful nothingness replaced the thoughts of anxiety I had previously experienced. I remember lying in bed staring at the ceiling saying to myself "I feel good" with a smile on my face. It was at that point that I knew that some of my depression was chemical related and needed medication.

I still experience anxiety, but it is much much less then before, and it doesn't seem to just 'happen' for no reason. If I did get anxiety it was usually triggered by something, so in that aspect I felt more in control... I continued my therapy and started eating more healthy. I also did my self-therapy every day and did affirmations, and read about anxiety and different coping methods.

Then one day (happens to be about ten days ago from this date) I read the first few pages of "A Road Less Travelled" and it talked about how everyone feels 'pain' now and then, and that pain is just a part of life. It was a total revelation for me. I had been so scared of anxiety and depression that that itself was causing me anxiety and depression. Now how funny is that!?! :P

I then started to realise that having anxiety is a natural part of life, and knowing that I didn't have full control over it I let go of trying to so hard to control it. I was just going to 'let it happen' and be okay with it.

Well, I was so excited about my new found knoweldge that I actually wanted, yes, wanted to become anxious and depressed to try my coping technique out... And guess what? I haven't felt really anxious since!

I remember a couple times feeling a start to form after someone had said something to me and then I said to myself "Give me all you got anxiety, I'm ready for you!" and it was gone! I had faced that fear! 8)

Just reading this is not going to help you recover. It may give you some tools to start you up at most. We both know that recovery is NOT easy. It takes effort and something else; RISKS. You are going to have to DIVE IN!!! Don't even think about the water. How deep it is. How high you are up there. Just DIVE!, and do it NOW!, because you know a good thing when you hear it. You know truly that you'll come out a more confident, happy, and fun you, for others, and yourself.

It's going to be uncomfortable, because you are in the air and you are not using your unhealthy ED support mechanism to hold onto anymore, but you have friends and family for that now. And you are a free-faller taking in fresh beautiful air... As uncomfortable as it may seem, try to enjoy it.

I don't promise miracles after recovery. I just promise that if you do what you know in your heart is a good thing, that you'll be okay. You make so many choices in life. Lots of choices.

So whatever anyone tells you, or what you think - YOU ARE WORTH IT! You have your place in this world, and you CAN live a life that is peaceful and loving.

Lotsa Love * HUGGLES *

Comments and questions are welcomed and appreciated!

JovianHalo13

hi

Postby JovianHalo13 » Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 am

(((((((Simpleblue))))))
Thanks for sharing sweetie :)


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