My Story

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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The dude
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 3:32 am

My Story

Postby The dude » Sun Sep 02, 2018 4:13 am

Sorry if this is a boring read. I feel the need to get things off my chest that I can't get off IRL.
I don't remember a time when I DIDN'T feel like I was just going through the motions of life, and not really living. I remember once, when I was a kid, another kid called me a downer. At that point I understood that the "right" way to be was to be social, funny, charming. So I learned how to fake those behaviors. Nobody called me a downer again. I also learned to wall myself off from people. People hurt. People suck. People judge and demean and call you names, like downer. People laugh at your misfortune. As I grew up, it didn't seem like a big deal. That was just the way things were.
I met a girl, and I fell so hard in love with her. I didn't deserve her, but I so desperately needed her. We were still young, so we dated for a long time. We dated for 10 years, and in that 10 years, I would have done anything for her. She is, to this day, the only person I have ever let in to see the real me. I should have been happy, but that's not how I'm wired. I tried. I tried so hard to be happy, and I gave her everything I had. We got married, and I started to believe that maybe this is what happiness felt like. For another 10 years, I struggled with trying to keep her happy. I failed. She cheated on me, with a guy from work. I believed it was because I couldn't give her something that she needed. I mustered up the strength to forgive her. I mean, it was at least partially my fault, or so I believed. We were going to try to stay together. Then she had another affair, and another. She told me on Valentines Day that she was leaving me. She filed for divorce such that the papers came just before our anniversary. One week before my birthday, the divorce was final, without my signature. It was uncontested. I had hoped that she would come home, and we'd work it out, and I could get back to what I believed was happiness. That was five years ago. I know it could never happen, but I think there is a part of me that is still waiting.
I never particularly got along with my parents, they had some messed up 70's ideals for things that I knew weren't right. But when my dad got sick, they asked me to come back home to help care for him. He died, but before he did, he made me promise that I would stay to take care of my mom. She's threatening to live another 20 years, and she's mean and spiteful enough to do it. She is, by choice, an albatross. But I can't leave, because nobody else wants to deal with her either, and I think everybody should have someone to care for them, even albatrosses.
I have a job that I love, but barely pays the bills. Like, just barely. I'm paying cash for my Master's program. Since the divorce, I've shut down my emotions again, but so much more than ever before. I'm a teacher, and the kids love me, or rather they love the character I play when I'm in class. My coworkers think I'm a little weird, but they're friendly for the most part. They know something is off, they just can't place it. I smile at all the right times, I laugh at the right moments, I can express compassion, and a host of other emotions, but even my close friends have told me it doesn't seem exactly real. I tell jokes, and keep people laughing, all except me. I don't remember the last time I laughed.
I've never self harmed, but I did used to engage in dangerous behavior. I've never tried to kill myself, and I don't want to die, but for a long time, I just don't care whether or not I live anymore. When I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the guy looking back at me anymore. I know it's me, but I can't internalize that fact. I feel like maybe I was normal when I was younger, but I don't see any of that now.
I am able to function as NEEDED in social settings, but no more than what is needed. I struggle to do my schoolwork, and the only time I feel close to a baseline is when I'm at work. Summers are tough.
So, that's me, in a nutshell.

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