This sad mans long story.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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timetofacemyfears
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:11 pm

This sad mans long story.

Postby timetofacemyfears » Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:14 pm

Hello,
Ive been sad most of my life. Im 39 now so thats a long time. Ive never really spewed out the entire truth, but Im going to try now.

To the best of my recollection I cant remember ever feeling happy. I have to start around age 10 as I cannot recall much prior to that. I had lived with my mother and step father until they divorced when I was 10. He was a decent man and I guess I was a happy young man at that time. The divorce itself didnt effect me so much , but that is where I think it all started. My mother and I moved into my grandmas home and Id go to my step dads on the weekends. I remember missing him as a kid. It wasnt long and my phone calls would go unanswered. Id cry because I felt he no longer loved me or wanted anything to do with me. I had a biological father too and that relationship was even more strained. He too wouldnt return my calls or show me in anyway that he cared. I felt rejected by the two men that were supposed to be my role modles. At home with my mother, things were just as bad. She was and is an alcoholic. My mother left me at my grandmas home and took off across the country with some man she had met. I was beginning to really feel the onset of feelings of abandonment. Id try to call both of my dads and sometimes they would call back, but usually not. I began to shut down inside and really no longer cared. I kinda let those two relationships just go away, but what it did to me stayed with me to this day. I could never really understand why. During my teen years I had some ok times I guess. I wasnt the popular jock or anything, but I wasnt the biggest loser either. But I had trouble making friends and really had trouble approaching girls. But hey , I had a few friends and with them I felt I was happy. But I was the one who never had the courage to play sports, ask a girl to prom or really do anything that put me in a social situation other than with my few friends. Then I discovered how wonderfully alcohol made some of those feelings go away. How it made me able to have some courage to just be social. At this point I suppose I still could fit in the normal catagory as I knew it. Then came the first girlfriend. I was empowered with the fact that hey someone likes me and wants to spend time with me. This was my first love Id say, though it was very one sided. I didnt know how to handle this type of situation. Id write her long, long poems and letters, expressing my undying love for her. Id call her constantly and follow her around. But thats all I could do. It was at this time as I look back that I was experienceing my inability to open up at all to anyone. I seemed to have over time created this marvle of a wall around myself. That was a very brief relationship, but nonethelss my first and when she ended it I just didnt know how to handle it. I really poured out the love letters and poems. Id force myself to listen to love songs and continue the relationship in my own mind. I was torturing myself and I did this for a very long time. As I did this that wall grew even stronger. It took probably two years before I could think about her and not cry. I didnt have anyone I could talk to at home. Id just go in my room and write away as the horrible music kept reminding me of the pain I held onto. I did finally adjust to the fact that she and I were no longer together and found another girl. I was 18 at the time and still a virgin. That was actually not a bad relationship and I think it lasted about a year or so. To this day I dont think I ever loved her, but loved not being alone. Things between us began to get serious and so I ran away to the usmc. I never had much direction in life so I thought this was good. I actually came out of bootcamp with some self confidence. I decided the military wasnt from me and really just quit. I ended up with a dishonorable discharge, but at least I was out. My drinking began to increase and my body turned into a man. I ended up being a late bloomer and I was a nice looking man. Still at this point life didnt seem all that bad. I was in my early twenties now I think. I decided Id give college and try and that lasted about as long as the militry did. I know I am accountable for my own actions, but I never really had anyone to give me guidence or direction in life. I started doing restaurant work and made friends with most of the people there, but somehow I started this habit of lying about things all the time. My drinking began to really increase and I was aimlessly wandering my life away. I discovered that if you get a group of people together and drink lots of booze it wasnt to easy to get girls to sleep with you. I found this magic thing, that I could feel wanted for one night and then just forget about it. I never had to let anyone in and I didnt have to get emotionally involved and it worked for me. As far aas I was concerned at the time life was good. Pretty much all I did was party, experiment with drugs and get older. One night I was rather drunk and called both my dads up and told them that I do want a father son relationship and invited them seperately out to dinner. I told them that I need that in my life, blah blah blah. I never heard from either of them again. The hurt was beginning to take its toil on me to a noticable degree now. One night I was drinking with my uncle and sobbing about how I felt rejected by both my bio dad and my step dad and my uncle told me that my bio dad wasnt really my dad at all, that he was just someone dating my mom when I was born. That I had yet another dad and at birth he chose to not be involved at all as well. I was a good kid and never understood why I deserved this. But when I was sober I had pretty much closed the door on all those father figures. I really didnt care anymore. I spent a few more years drinking and going noplace really. My grandma died and my aunt inheritaed the house. Reality hit me as I was forced now to go out on my own. My grandma was the one person that I can recall ever caring about me really. I got another girlfriend and I never did learn people skills I guess. She liked me , but my idea of a relationship was getting drunk and having sex. I began to develope a possesive drive about me. I think though I was just too untrusting of anyone to not be. I had to know what, where and when all the time. Id convince myself that I was inadequate and Id begin that flood of letters, cards and phonecalls because I thought that that was how it was done. The one thing that was really needed I couldnt offer. I didnt know how. I couldnt let anyone get close to me for the fear of them leaving me. Of course this led to just that and still at age 26 or so I didnt know how to handle this rejection. I didn see that it was my inability to be emotionally connected that was the cause. This started my campaign again, but even more this time. I lied to people saying shes pregnant. I wanted them to be on my side. To feel sorry for me. I asked her to marry me. I would show up at her door stone drunk, sobbing, begging to be let in. That was my fisrt suicide attempt. I dont believe I was really trying to **** myself. I thought that it would prove to her that I loved her. Of course I was drunk when I did this. I put a knife 3" into my stomach is all. Got a few stitches and told the cops it was an accident and told other people that she stabbed me. It was now becoming apparent to most who knew me that I had inheritated my mothers alcholism. The one thing she did give me. It was time for me to find a new setting so a new restaruant job. This one too had a bar and an entire new group of women. A fresh start for me though. Pretty much the same thing began to happen. More drinking, more sex. Id start to get posessive about a certain woman , thinking Im doing the right thing Id smother her with words of love, promises of forever, but thats still all I was able to do. I had yet to learn to let down that guard. That went pretty sour and when she rejected me I tried to drink it all away. But what really happened is I cut my arm with a knife and told everyone it was from a fight. Seeking attention I think. Longing to feel wanted by someone, but again unable to do the one thing I needed to do. Yes I know quit drinking would help. This rejection was a bad one for me. I tried to make her look like the evil one with my lies. I told some story about my shotgun and well, now the police were involved. Not much happned really. I was just told to pack up my stuff and leave the premises and dont come back. At this point in my life I had learned how to fake being cool and happy outside. Those that were my not close friends just thought it was amazing how much I could drink and how many women I could bag. Of course this made me feel liked by them so I just did it more. But really my pain inside had grown quite deep by now, but I hid it well. I started to become unapproachable. The classic look away, arms crossed. not much to say stuff except when I would drink. I began to realize there is an inner me that is truely a great man. A nice honest , honorable man. I guess he had always been there, but I just was so afraid of being rejected that I wouldnt allow him to be seen when Im sober or drunk. But I was beginning to want more out of life. I moved to the consturctoin industry away from the bars and guess what....most of them drank after work every night. My fake exterior of this confident alphamale started to really control my life. I acted as If I dont have a steady girlfriend, because I dont want one. But inside I was very sad. I would cry at night, alone in my bed. In the day I wore this arrogant bullet proof mask that made me feel good about myself somehow. It gave me higher status than those around me, but inside my heart and in my mind I was beginnig to really crumble. When I wasnt drinking I would spend my time alone, feeling lonely. I hated the holidays especially. I started to lose the ability to even fake happiness on the outside. Then I met this girl , a cute redhead. We began to date. I wanted to try to be myself truely for the first time. I wanted to let down all the guards I had carefully positioned around my heart. I was tired of feeling lonely. I was sick of crying myself to sleep. But when you condidtion yourself to push everyone away its not an easy thing to do. So...I faked it. I would hit the bar down the road, slam several shots before Id go see her. I was able to trick her into believing I was this outgoing, sweet man. The alcohol would allow me to let just enough of me out to pull this off and I did it well. Then one time I had way too much to drink and got pulled over right in her driveway. I lied about how much I had to drink to her and within a few weeks I was back in. She made me feel safe and I began to lessen on the booze and actually started to open up a bit. But still at this time I was very standoffish. I found it hard to laugh much and rarely really smiled. But I had become quite good at faking it. Work was actually going pretty good, I drank less and 4 months into the relationship I found out I was going to be a daddy. With my past I took this very seriously. I knew what it was like to grow up fatherless and I was not going to allow this to happen to my baby. I really did try to let down my guard and get that emotional connection, but I couldnt. Again though I was able to just keep faking it. I was great around the house. I took care of everything. I worked hard. I took her other two children and raised them the best I could. I never did learn to love or be loved and we lived a completly lovelss relationship. I started to live a fantasy life, thinking everytihng was ok, but I knew it wasnt. Wouldnt admit it at the time though. On the outside to others it seemed like we were a happy couple, but inside I was still completly shut down. I did everything for her except make her feel loved. Our sexlife came to a halt. After around 4 years she told me she wanted out. I flipped out and went back to my old friend, the bottle. I repeated what I had always done, begging her to stay, telling her Id change saying whatever it took. Id try to make her feel sorry for me, Id try to fake being who she wanted me to be and again it wasnt working. Then she started dating while I still lived in the house. I couldnt handle this and today still think that that was not right of her. She actually wanted me to watch the kids while she went on dates. I was out of control with my drinking. I was doing about a 5th a night then I think. That was my second attempt at suicide. I downed a bottle of vicodin. 22 pills. I sat outside our locked bedroom door sobbing wildly and I think I really did lay down to die. But she must have called the ambulance. I spent the night in the hospital and for the first time it was revealed to everyone how truely messed up inside I was. I couldnt hide this one. I couldnt think of a lie to cover this one up. I know this has been long so far, but this is where I really started to go downhill. I did move out into an apartment of my own. I quit hanging out with friends. Ignored what little family I had and just let all my years of pain and rejection eat me away. I reverted back to faking a confident man on the outside and just lived my lonley life day by day. My sadness began to burn thru that fake exterior and I guess I just began to exist, nothing more. I did though still be a good father to my daughter. She was really the only one I could be myself around. I didnt need to be drunk to not be sad around her. I was able to get past all the gaurds around my heart, but only with her. I felt a failure though to not give her the proper mother and father upbringing I wanted her to have. I started to rarely leave the house. I found new friends online and as embarrassing as it is to say started a long distance relationship with a 19 year old way over in australia. Im 32 then. She made me feel wanted and I like it. I fell for her very quickly, but then feelings of mistrust began to make me act insane. Now , not only could I not show any emotion , I had lost the ability to trust anyone. But time went on and we made plans for her to come here. We would play online video games togther and talk over headsets. And one night she just said I cant do this anymore and I never heard from her again. I wanted to much to feel, wanted, needed and loved that I was willing to live some little fantasy. And when it ended that hurt was no less than if she were right here. I bet I wrote her over a hundred pages of words begging her to come back. Asking for forgiveness for whatever it was I had done. Anything to just make this pain go away. I still had not learned how to let go of pain or how to just forget about someone. Eventually i just stored that pain right ontop of the rest and locked it away. At this point in my life the pain was begining to get rather heavy. I was carrying so much around. I decided I was going to do something about being unhappy. I tried to quit drinking but never put more than a few weeks of sobriety togther at one time. I tried to make new friends, but I had become an empty shell that really nobody wanted to hang out with. I tried to ask women out, but my sadness showed right thru. I had completly lost the ability to be social on any lvl. I spent the next couple of years iscolating myself from everyone except my daughter. It became a stuggle to just get by day to day. I had one friend left that id see about once a month. I began to play world of warcraft and that at least kept my mind off the lonliess I was feeling insdie. Id play till almost morning, get an hour or two of sleep, work come home and start it all over. I would look in the mirror and try to smile, but I couldnt. It felt like someone had jammed a plate in my mouth. My eyes were sunken and full of sorrow. I hurt inside like never before. I wanted to change but was afraid of what Id have to go through to do that. I knew that inside me was a wonderful man that I had locked away so many years ago. I began to feel its just too late. I started to have those feelings of suicde again. Or to just run away to alaska and live off the land. Or to just become a homelless street person. I quit my job , which was a very good one at this point and just allowed myself to erode away to almost nothing. Never having loved or been loved. Never having feeling wanted. Wanting life to end. Why go on really. Id say if it wasnt for my daughter I wouldnt be here today. One day I decided to look at the personal ads and said hi to a beautiful woman. I wasnt really looking, pretty much just wasting time infront of my computer. But she said hi back and we began to get to know one another thru just words on a screen. I was still able to express my emotions with words and I was very good at it. Through my writing I could paint amazing pictures. I could show that man thats trapped inside me. I had given up the bottle so I decided that im thru being lonely and that I am deserving of love. I told myself I can do this and we continued to get to know one another. It got to the point where we just had to meet. I wasnt ready for that I guess and she could feel my sadness. She could see it in my eyes. She could hear it in my voice. To her I was not the man she has grown so fond of. But there was something about this girl that made me want to once and for all rid myself of all my pain. To face my fears. To harvest what life I have left and to find happiness for the first time. And I wanted to do it for me because I do deserve better. She does care about me and wants to help, but is unwilling to have my sadness tear her down too and I dont blame her. I put into words for her how I feel and this is what I said.
Ok, Here we go. Im not really sure why I am even doing this sue, but yet I am. Sue, when vis mom was unfaithful it was the deepest pain I ever experienced. Worse than if someone I loved had died. This is the one thing even I cannot put into words. Ive tried and I cant come close. My whole life instantly changed. I wont spend time explaining the hurt, just know it was there. Now...... add that to the fact that my bio father wanted nothing to do with me, the person I thought was my bio father wanted nothing to do with me and my step father also wanted nothing to do with me when he and my mom divorced when I was around 10. 3 fathers turned their back on me.

I could no longer stand all the pain, I didnt want to be hurt again ever. And I wasnt going to be. So I began building this wall and over the years Ive made a marvel of a wall. I was so intent on making this wall strong I forgot to add a door and this is what has happend.

Ive been aimlessly wandering around sue for the last 7 years with this unwaivering wall surrounding my heart. No interest in ever letting it down or even be cracked at all. I have hopped from meeningless fling to meaningless fling. Id mostly go for married women to ensure my own hearts safety. If ever someone even tried to get close Id run the other way. This has served me well, but sometimes I feel lonely, especially this time of year.

I began wanting more about two years ago, but $%& D***it , even I couldnt get this *&$#@$% wall to let me out. I have spent so much time perfecing this *&%$#@* thing, that Im trapped behind its *&%$#@# seemless, endless trucking rule. Not only can I not get out, it no longer even allows me to show myself to someone like you. It drives me insane. Im only able to show the person I created to protect my heart. Still trapped behind this trucking thing. Ive been looking for someone to give me the strenth to bring this %#*D*** thing to its knees. Someone to make me go beyond my limits and crumble this trucking thing to a pile of dust I can sweep away forever.

I cant explain why, but I truely , with all my being thought that you might be the one Sue. Even trapped I could still put into words my hidden identity and reveal myself to you. I was so sure the one had finally come and I was ready to rid myself of this self imposed trucking curse forever. But................ I tried Sue and I failed and for that I am truely sorry. I wanted you to meet the man behind this trucking shell, but instead I had to sit and watch you with this other me , all the time screaming to be let free. I wanted to be there with you and I just couldnt. Instead I had to sit and watch. And Im sad because of it. Its that man I wanted you to see, its that man that was able to make you want to take a cloer look, its that man I was unable to be.
I just put that in here to show how I feel inside without having to retype it all.

And this is how I feel today and why I am here.
I was and am me when I sit here and write away. It was truely me that caught your attention. I was not pretending to be anyone else then. I was playing no role for you. I had hoped I was ready to be me, face to face, but Im not and I know that now. I know that I have to face my fears and I have to do it for me, not for somebody else. I know I have much much work to do and that I have to do it for me, not somebody else. You didnt put any pressure on me to act a certain way, not at all. I wanted to be me Sue, the same, real me you met right here. But I couldnt. Im still afraid.

You have no idea how badly I want to be able to be that person I was before, to be that person I can be when I sit here, to not be afraid. Ironic as it is Im afraid to do something about it too, but I know I have to. I cant go on like this, its much like you said...you just exist.

I had the best of intentions with you. I told myself I was not going to be held back anylonger. I told myself I do have the strenth to overcome whatever it is that has held me back for far too long. But it kicked in Sue and I was only able to show you the crumbled man. It took only seconds to jump back over that wall. My eyes no longer wanted to focus on you, my words were unable to come out, I had to force myself to laugh and coudnt even smile. I couldnt be the me you came to know. My thoughts reverted back to the hurt I hold inside. I even made it part of our conversation. I wanted to open up and be me, believe me I did. You actually did make me feel some safety, maybe you couldnt tell but you did and it was enough to let me know that the time has come. That it is possible. Thank you for that. I used to be one of the cheeriest people I know. People were drawn to me, I had a gigantic circle of friends and times were good
.
Yes, that other letter I wrote to you was sad and so was I. Im deeply sorry if it made you sad. But you didnt hurt me Sue, not at all. You allowed me to see just what the consequences are for taking no action to find happiness within myself. On paper we are a good , if not a great match. You are the exact type of woman and person I would go after. Your absolutely a beautiful, your body rocks , you like to do the things I enjoy, you want what I want, an equal to just share life with and to not be alone. A good looking couple too. Maybe I was right, maybe you are the one to give me the courage to find myself once again. Its not easy to find a woman just like you, I had a chance and because of fear I lost that chance. There cant be many of you walking this earth and I dont want to lose that chance again. I do think its time I did something about it Sue, I only wish it wasnt losing the chance with you to make me actually want to do this for myself. To not lose that chance again when it should come.

I really dont feel that you want someone to kiss your *** or to control you. I wanted to be me and I think you would really dig the real me as Im the same me you actually wanted to meet, but when I tried to be myself without the safety of this screen...well you seen what came out. lol.

Your very wrong about something missing though. Its not missing, its just trying to find its way past all my guards Ive put up. Its there and you did get to at least experience it in my words.

I dont blame you for your decision, its kinda like the recovering alcoholic staying away from other alcholics. You are worth too much to be torn back down by my sadness. I had hoped through you I would be able to be happy and now clearly can see that I have to be happy first. And because of you I have decided I will find that happy man once again. Thank you for that Sue.

I have read books and even did the therapy thing for a bit, but as soon as it would get uncomfortable Id make my escape. Ya know , my daughter is the one person in this whole world I can be myself around. Thats probably why Im such a good daddy to her. My mother was kind of a disappointment too. She left me at my grandmas when I was around 10 and took off with some dude to California. After that we never really had much of a relationship. In a way I feel I had a bad rap to start with.

Dont think Im a wimp, but I had a really good cry lastnight and I told myself it was ok. It had been so long since I let any hurt pour out. It felt sooooooooo good. Today I literally feel less tightness in my chest. The tears had nothing to do with you, ok. It was just time to let go a bit for me. It was while i was writing that other letter.

The whole alphamale thing. hmm. well. Im not sure if thats all me or a role I sometimes used to play. I think it was kind of my safety net. This domineering figure that bullets would bounce off of. It seemed to attract a certain type of person and for me that worked just fine for a few years. But as I told you about two years ago I decided enough is enough and took off that mask. I wanted more. I wanted to have someone to hold every night, someone I could wake up to every morning. I wanted to love once again, but thats not what happened. I ended up in a worse place entirely. I quit hanging out with my friends much. Have little to do with my family members except at holidays and birthdays. I spend a lot of time alone. And I sank to where I am now. But again I think you are that person Sue. Even if I cant have you, losing you made me see the price I pay every day. Im done paying and being torn apart. I want to reap and rebuild myself. I do not deserver to feel like this. I am a good honorable man with a huge heart. I have a love to offer that is intense. Sue, there is so much inside of me that waits to be let free. It pi**es me off a bit right now that I couldnt show you that man. I will use this to become empowered and start my journey. I know I can be rebuilt. I want to be. I owe it to myself to make this happen.

Its very important to me that you know and believe I never lied or misled you. When I sat here writing my thoughts out, transforming emotions into words I had nothing to fear. That was me. And this is me now. I can now admit Im a broken man and I can now see what I have become. I had a great job. It was an easy 70k working only 9 months a year, no weekends, a company car....its all gone. I had a terrific body that I took very good care of, its gone. (stlll not that bad though. lol). I used to be able to smile, now I cant. I am going to emmerse myself into getting that happiness back, getting that pizaz back. I have a lot of work to do, but I am a strong man. I will get back to where I was once before. I almost want to thank you for leaving me and making me see that I have to start with me, not with you.

Ill dig out those books that I found so scary. Maybe pick up that guitar and finally learn how to play. Ill get out of the house and see my friends. Ill get back on a career path. Ill rebuild my body. Ill find the pieces of myself that I had decided to hide. Ill conquer my fears and when I do, when I finally do rediscover myself and can be that person without the safety of this screen, when Im happy with who I am, I will see if your still searching. If you happen to be still searching, there will be somebody Ill want you to meet.

I thank you for your words of support and I truely believe that in your heart you wish the best for me. I thank you for not coming unglued on me, sending me deeper into that pit. And most of all babe, I thank you for being that person I always thought you were. You are the one who made me see just how much Ive been missing out on. Just how costly this state of mind can be. That being said, its time for me to go. I have lots of work to do. I do hope though, that someday, when I am happy we can start over all brand new. (had to throw one of my rhymes in there. lol)

I love you sue, not like a wife, but for the way you have changed my life.

I know it sounds like Im kind of worshiping her a bit too much, but I never wanted to really really confront all that is locked up until after I met her.

Well thats my story and why Im here. I am scared, but determined and I have no idea where to start

Emotional_77
Posts: 850
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:21 pm
Location: Ontario, Canada

Postby Emotional_77 » Fri Dec 19, 2008 4:04 pm

hi,
First off for someone who has closen himself inside of walls for a long time did an excellent job writting this out. I wanted to say how proud you should be of yourself for doing this, even though the story is long and might cause some to not even read.. But it caught my eye and I couldn't stop until I was finished. You have more hope inside of you than you realize and now that you are starting to see that, you are willing to change. With the courage you have in the words you typed I have no doubt you won't make it. Take it one step at a time and you will get there. You are still young and got a life ahead of you for friends, happiness, and maybe even marriage. Don't let you past bring you down. I know your fathers and mother both abandoned you but that has to do with their problems and not because of who you are or that they don't care for you, they just don't care for themselves. You have to care and love yourself first in order to do the same for others.
I am so glad you have not given up and turned to this forum for help. Keep in touch and I wish the best for you. :) You DO deserve it.

timetofacemyfears
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:11 pm

Postby timetofacemyfears » Fri Dec 19, 2008 5:19 pm

Thanks for the reply and words of support. Yes the length of my post did concern me. I actually left a lot out and had to just stop myself.

Im being very proactive about this. I tried to call a Psychiatrist today, but the office was closed. Is it a Psychiatrisst or Psychologist I want anyway? I feel there is no doubt that Ill need meds so I went with calling a Psychiatrist first.
Ive actually had some pretty good accomplishments in life as a depressed person. Im very intriguied to see what I can do when I am not.

Emotional_77
Posts: 850
Joined: Mon Jan 28, 2008 12:21 pm
Location: Ontario, Canada

Postby Emotional_77 » Fri Dec 19, 2008 6:09 pm

Glad to hear your further seeking help. Psychologists really helps a lot. Psychiatrists are just there to prescibe meds and thats it. Mine kinda sucks but I need meds so there is nothing I can do about that.

Anyway, don't be afraid to post more about your life or any advice you need as this is a forum of support.

Take care.


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