Stuck in limbo
Posted: Thu May 10, 2018 1:16 am
I often wonder if its to late. I dont even know how tp explain how I feel lately. I feel bad being here venting to anyone who will just listen. I guess I always feel like I burden people. Lately I feel like im stuck in limbo. Im happy, but only in the sense that I feel blessed. Im trapped in this shell of guilt and depression. My mom had a drug addiction so she wasnt part of my life until I was around 14 thats also when me and my dad started hanging out,he was an addict too and always in and out of jail. My dad ended up becoming my best friend he always saw the positive sides in the worst situations. I was caught off guard when I found out he had hung himself... My grandma was the one who raised me,she was psychotic and not even blood related so there was always something negative to say, how I wasnt smart,should have been an abortion yada yada it goes on and on. She even used to destroy the art i made,since I was little drawing had been my life,and I ran away from home after I just couldnt take the abuse anymore. I wasnt aloud to leave or have friends or go outside,she had me convinced everyone was evil. She told me my friends would lie and leave me,men would rape me,cheat on me and beat me. Yet somehow I was a different person then, I guess I was so driven by rage that I just wanted to show the world I wasnt a failure. I could make something of myself,but after my dad died everything changed. I started drinking, I found older friends who wouldn't mind buying me booze. I started making friends and meeting guys. After my dad passed the only friend I ever had from childhood told me I was to depressed and she didnt want to be my friend anymore,so there went 10 years of friendship. My first love cheated on me. when i tried to leave i ended up getting raped.so then it was just a binge of alcoholism and friends with benifits I couldn't help but feel like my grandma had been right. and all of the sudden everything she had said slowly started weighing on me...like little voices in my head. "Dont trust them their lying to you,he doesnt love you, no one likes you, you can't do it." Around 17 i got into this relationship with a friend I had known (he was 31) I moved in with him because at first he seemed like a care free spirit who would soon turn into a liar and a cheater and the same abuse i got at home. I lived with him in a house of 10 people so I started socially drinking which led to drugs and meeting the person I'm with today. We met in one of the most f***** up part of our lives and hes thr only one ive got in this world now. Although he to is f****** insane. I always imagine myself as this magnet that attracts the broken just like me. Hell some people would never understand the cycle of abuse but I just dont think I can do normal. We were both very bad alcoholics and slowly weve stopped drinking. Ive gotten the shit beat out of me by him twice in drunken rages. I know I dont deserve it. I know I can leave. But in a sick way I understand him. My ex and I had been together 4 years before he kicked me out and I ended up showing up and my grandfathers door. I was 21 i told him I didnt have to stay but if I could only keep my things there temporarily it would mean a lot. My grandfather and I hadnt spoke much, he dedicated his life to taking care of my grandmother on my fathers side who had a stroke when I was about 3 so we never spoke much until that year. He took me in with open arms and for once someone was kind to me. But I was young and stupid and felt as if I needed to just keep everyone at arms length. 1 year later just about as long as I knew my dad I went out to the kitchen and started talking to him. My dad and grandfather were the only ones who really believed in my art. I was all hungover heading to work and he started nagging at me about when I was gonna put use to my talent,that was the last thing he said to me. I turned around and he started having a seizure. I tried everything I could to save him. CPR for about 30 minutes until help arrived but by the time we got to the hospital it was to late. He had grown so close to me he left me a car and a house. And I hate myself. I hate myself so much because I know how good i have it. It was such a blessing, but when I came home to that empty house time stood still. I was completely broke so I had to sell alot of things,no one helped me pay for the funeral or debt i got left with,everyone showed up for the shrine and food though (figures). Now. Here i am. Im about to turn 22. 8 years of drinking was truly hard to quit. Yet now its just weird. Ive attempted suicide 3 times in the past year, twice trying to slice my wrist, once an overdose of sleeping pills. Everyone i reached out to would get angry with me, even the closests ones to me. " Theres no reason to be sad, you have a house,a car, someone who loves you what more do you want? Im sorry they died but they're dead move on." This last year was the hardest one, I tired and tried and tried just to bring myself out of this sinking feeling of hopelessness, but I just can't seem to do it. Im just tired all the time. I haven't drawn much lately, it doesn't bring me joy like it used to. I dont even enjoy going outside or making friends,socializing and going out have become a chore. Every day feels the same,and ive even tried to change it up and try new things,but the anxiety of being out and fear of ruining peoples lives breaks me. It never fails that once someone gets to know me. The real me,the realist with severe insecuritues and depression and anxiety,they either get angry or frustrated, or they become depressed because they feel like they can't ever make me happy. And that hurts me even more. So I fake a smile and pretend everything is ok. And now its like ive reached a new stage and it terrifies me,because after years of being depressed I know the deeper you go there is no going back. There is no rope or light to pull you from the depths of this empty void you keep digging. Lately...I just sort of exist. I wake up i work i keep it all together. I lie to everyone and myself. I wonder if I love anyone or if its some poor excuse to give me hope I can feel anything anymore. Im always on the outside looking in. I know theres got to be something a reason or a purpose I still get up,I still try, even enough to make this post...but I'm so scared. Im so scared that one day my excuses will run out. I think about what I would leave behind and to whom a little more often then I should. i convince myself the ones around me would move on one day and find peace. Im afraid that one day the fear of religion and hell will become only a story written long ago and in reality when you die everything goes black, because I know I'd like the idea of that to much... I just want to feel something again.