Stuck in limbo

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Thu May 10, 2018 12:08 am

Stuck in limbo

Postby Thatchickwhodraws » Thu May 10, 2018 1:16 am

I often wonder if its to late. I dont even know how tp explain how I feel lately. I feel bad being here venting to anyone who will just listen. I guess I always feel like I burden people. Lately I feel like im stuck in limbo. Im happy, but only in the sense that I feel blessed. Im trapped in this shell of guilt and depression. My mom had a drug addiction so she wasnt part of my life until I was around 14 thats also when me and my dad started hanging out,he was an addict too and always in and out of jail. My dad ended up becoming my best friend he always saw the positive sides in the worst situations. I was caught off guard when I found out he had hung himself... My grandma was the one who raised me,she was psychotic and not even blood related so there was always something negative to say, how I wasnt smart,should have been an abortion yada yada it goes on and on. She even used to destroy the art i made,since I was little drawing had been my life,and I ran away from home after I just couldnt take the abuse anymore. I wasnt aloud to leave or have friends or go outside,she had me convinced everyone was evil. She told me my friends would lie and leave me,men would rape me,cheat on me and beat me. Yet somehow I was a different person then, I guess I was so driven by rage that I just wanted to show the world I wasnt a failure. I could make something of myself,but after my dad died everything changed. I started drinking, I found older friends who wouldn't mind buying me booze. I started making friends and meeting guys. After my dad passed the only friend I ever had from childhood told me I was to depressed and she didnt want to be my friend anymore,so there went 10 years of friendship. My first love cheated on me. when i tried to leave i ended up getting then it was just a binge of alcoholism and friends with benifits I couldn't help but feel like my grandma had been right. and all of the sudden everything she had said slowly started weighing on little voices in my head. "Dont trust them their lying to you,he doesnt love you, no one likes you, you can't do it." Around 17 i got into this relationship with a friend I had known (he was 31) I moved in with him because at first he seemed like a care free spirit who would soon turn into a liar and a cheater and the same abuse i got at home. I lived with him in a house of 10 people so I started socially drinking which led to drugs and meeting the person I'm with today. We met in one of the most f***** up part of our lives and hes thr only one ive got in this world now. Although he to is f****** insane. I always imagine myself as this magnet that attracts the broken just like me. Hell some people would never understand the cycle of abuse but I just dont think I can do normal. We were both very bad alcoholics and slowly weve stopped drinking. Ive gotten the shit beat out of me by him twice in drunken rages. I know I dont deserve it. I know I can leave. But in a sick way I understand him. My ex and I had been together 4 years before he kicked me out and I ended up showing up and my grandfathers door. I was 21 i told him I didnt have to stay but if I could only keep my things there temporarily it would mean a lot. My grandfather and I hadnt spoke much, he dedicated his life to taking care of my grandmother on my fathers side who had a stroke when I was about 3 so we never spoke much until that year. He took me in with open arms and for once someone was kind to me. But I was young and stupid and felt as if I needed to just keep everyone at arms length. 1 year later just about as long as I knew my dad I went out to the kitchen and started talking to him. My dad and grandfather were the only ones who really believed in my art. I was all hungover heading to work and he started nagging at me about when I was gonna put use to my talent,that was the last thing he said to me. I turned around and he started having a seizure. I tried everything I could to save him. CPR for about 30 minutes until help arrived but by the time we got to the hospital it was to late. He had grown so close to me he left me a car and a house. And I hate myself. I hate myself so much because I know how good i have it. It was such a blessing, but when I came home to that empty house time stood still. I was completely broke so I had to sell alot of things,no one helped me pay for the funeral or debt i got left with,everyone showed up for the shrine and food though (figures). Now. Here i am. Im about to turn 22. 8 years of drinking was truly hard to quit. Yet now its just weird. Ive attempted suicide 3 times in the past year, twice trying to slice my wrist, once an overdose of sleeping pills. Everyone i reached out to would get angry with me, even the closests ones to me. " Theres no reason to be sad, you have a house,a car, someone who loves you what more do you want? Im sorry they died but they're dead move on." This last year was the hardest one, I tired and tried and tried just to bring myself out of this sinking feeling of hopelessness, but I just can't seem to do it. Im just tired all the time. I haven't drawn much lately, it doesn't bring me joy like it used to. I dont even enjoy going outside or making friends,socializing and going out have become a chore. Every day feels the same,and ive even tried to change it up and try new things,but the anxiety of being out and fear of ruining peoples lives breaks me. It never fails that once someone gets to know me. The real me,the realist with severe insecuritues and depression and anxiety,they either get angry or frustrated, or they become depressed because they feel like they can't ever make me happy. And that hurts me even more. So I fake a smile and pretend everything is ok. And now its like ive reached a new stage and it terrifies me,because after years of being depressed I know the deeper you go there is no going back. There is no rope or light to pull you from the depths of this empty void you keep digging. Lately...I just sort of exist. I wake up i work i keep it all together. I lie to everyone and myself. I wonder if I love anyone or if its some poor excuse to give me hope I can feel anything anymore. Im always on the outside looking in. I know theres got to be something a reason or a purpose I still get up,I still try, even enough to make this post...but I'm so scared. Im so scared that one day my excuses will run out. I think about what I would leave behind and to whom a little more often then I should. i convince myself the ones around me would move on one day and find peace. Im afraid that one day the fear of religion and hell will become only a story written long ago and in reality when you die everything goes black, because I know I'd like the idea of that to much... I just want to feel something again.

Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:42 am

Re: Stuck in limbo

Postby Avidreader9559 » Thu May 10, 2018 5:37 pm

First I would like to say please don't feel bad about reaching out to other people. Even though relationships can be hard, we need each other. Life is hard, and it is even harder if we try to do it alone. You are NOT a burden. Sometimes we have to tell our feelings that they aren't accurate. Sometimes when we have endured abuse, we don't see ourselves in the right light because our frame of reference is not accurate. We can only take so much before it starts to affect us in negative ways. My dad died when I was young, and my mom left to pursue her own life after that so I understand what it is like to not have the stability parents and family bring. I was also raised by my grandparents, and I wanted to run away from home. The things they told me weren't always accurate because they didn't have a good reference point for viewing themselves either. The voices in your head that you reference are telling you lies. I used to believe things like that about myself, too. I found a faith in God and I started studying His Word. It is not about religion and following all the right rules and being all the right things. It is about a relationship with a God who created you on purpose for a purpose. Once I started an in-depth Bible study, I started to see who God is. He is a loving Father who created people. He gives us purpose and hope. He gives us forgiveness and second and third and forth chances because it takes a lifetime to learn how to live in relationship. He has brought healing to my heart by knowing that He loves me and chose me. He put me in a place where I have developed good friendships with the ladies around me. I used to be in a place where people always pushed me away because I was so hurt, and they didn't know how to handle that. We all have the need to be loved and to belong, but we all deserve to have healthy relationships. I would ask you to please consider taking care of yourself by removing yourself from any abusive relationship. There are places you can go where you will be supported in your decision and where people will help you find healthier ways of doing things. I do understand that this is not an easy process. When I was having to constantly make choices to get to the goals I wanted to reach, it didn't always feel good. I wanted to avoid the pain of it all, but I wanted to be in good relationships and have healthy thoughts about myself even more than I wanted to avoid the pain of change. I had to find a good counselor who let me verbalize my feelings, my circumstances, the things I wanted, and the things I didn't want. He then corrected the thoughts I had that were lies, and helped me to see things positively. It was hard letting that self-protective wall down to be that honest, but that is when healing started to happen for me. It seems like you have a lot of thoughts and feelings and grief that needs to be dealt with so that you can move forward. Change can happen. You can heal from what you have been through. I have healed, and it has been worth all the hard work and frustration and pain of change. I pray you can find what you need to get hope back into your life. If you want to pm me to talk about anything, please do. I can always listen. Hugs to you. Please don't give up. Life is precious and you only get one. Make the most of it in spite of the hand you have been dealt.

Posts: 48
Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:55 pm

Re: Stuck in limbo

Postby Janine28 » Fri May 11, 2018 10:23 pm

I just have to say this.......THIS IS NOT YOUR have been dealt a shitty hand in life and you've been doing the best you can with what you have been given! Be proud of yourself for getting this far in life. You are smart enough to realize that this is not right or not what you want in your life. You are worth more than what you have been given and you have to keep striving to keep going. I just have to say that I have experienced some of the things you have been through...addiction. I used drugs as a way out of my depression. I did take every antidepressant under the son, but they just didn't work for me, they do work for a lot of other people so is medication something you have considered? Since medication didn't work for me and I suffered SEVER depression, I researched to find ANY OTHER POSSIBLE SOLUTION. I found out about Ketamine Infusion treatments for depression. I do have to say that since I started getting these transfusions, my depression is GONE.....literally GONE! I am even off almost all my medication because of these treatments!
People that say things like "you have a house and a car so what are you depressed about are the WORST people to talk to. They've never walked in your shoes or even in similar shoes so they have no idea what they are talking about. Example: If you want to be rich and famous...then why would you talk to someone about how to get rich and famous there who have never been rich and famous themselves. You have a right to feel the way you do and your feelings are VALID! Have you been to a therapist or psychiatrist yet?

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