Trying to deal with apathy among other ailments
Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:09 pm
Hi, I'm Jonas. I'm a new member here and atm I just want to lay out my thoughts on the table and see where that goes.
I'll lay out certain fundamental information before I dwell into my current struggles.
Basic information: Age-18, country of origin: Lithuania, Sex: Male.
Short story of my past: I migrated to US with my sister and mom at around the age of 10. Adapting to the different social dynamics, learning a new language, and the stress to make new friends and find my little nest have all played a role in contributing in some way to my oppressive depression. During middle-school and high-school I was occasionally bullied which also played a role in my low-self esteem. The necessity to fit in with my (now) drastically different external circumstances was weighing on me. I cared "too" much about my appearance and my social game (how I was perceived by my peers). Due to my drastic failure in the latter part of my primary concerns it crippled my self-esteem even more so. I couldn't fit in with my peers no matter what I did or what I said. Looking back in retrospect I can see that I was a little odd due to how I rationalized and I'm not surprised I received the treatment I've received(although not justly it's still understandable). Soon after all those events have played out I dropped out of high-school and got my GED. There's a lot more that I didn't go into for example --- domestic ordeals, but I want to keep it relatively short.
Now I'm 18 and I'm basically standing on quick sand. It's seemingly only a matter of time before my time is depleted...I'm extremely apathetic and nothing seems interesting...including people. My minimal interests, failures, negative past experiences, and various philosophical views have lead me to complete stagnation. In regards to my environmental circumstances, I've remained in the exact same place for over a year now. Sleeping, going on my computer, going back to sleep. Why? Action is a gamble. Inaction is almost a certainty that it'll lead to a worse or the same place, but action is a gamble nonetheless. Action isn't a guarantee to lead one to a better place. It could go either way and in my case It's a must to undergo certain hardships before I can even have the "possible" chance at obtaining some form of contentment. I'm 18 and my parents are tired of me "freeloading". If I want to go down the road of "attempting", I'll have to get a shitty minimum wage job. That's the first step. I've been employed before for 2 weeks before I quit...Holding a certain job is also all about perspective. It's like persevering in school...Some might find some purpose in it, others might not. Others might find it interesting, others vaguely interesting, and for others it's better to die. It's more or less like a bell curve and so it's very hard to "compare" one's experience to another due to the discrepancy in perspective. In my case it'd rather die...As I already mentioned the "contentment" in my part of this journey is not a guarantee, but the pain and discomfort certainly is. I have no goals to pursue...I have nothing to drive me to actually go through this BS. There's nothing that I'm aiming for. Finding a goal should be the priority but I can't seem to find anything. Sustaining 15 minutes of attention on a certain task is already my "f*** this shit threshold" if you will. Suicide has always been an option which at times seems way more appealing than "action" in my case.
I'll lay out certain fundamental information before I dwell into my current struggles.
Basic information: Age-18, country of origin: Lithuania, Sex: Male.
Short story of my past: I migrated to US with my sister and mom at around the age of 10. Adapting to the different social dynamics, learning a new language, and the stress to make new friends and find my little nest have all played a role in contributing in some way to my oppressive depression. During middle-school and high-school I was occasionally bullied which also played a role in my low-self esteem. The necessity to fit in with my (now) drastically different external circumstances was weighing on me. I cared "too" much about my appearance and my social game (how I was perceived by my peers). Due to my drastic failure in the latter part of my primary concerns it crippled my self-esteem even more so. I couldn't fit in with my peers no matter what I did or what I said. Looking back in retrospect I can see that I was a little odd due to how I rationalized and I'm not surprised I received the treatment I've received(although not justly it's still understandable). Soon after all those events have played out I dropped out of high-school and got my GED. There's a lot more that I didn't go into for example --- domestic ordeals, but I want to keep it relatively short.
Now I'm 18 and I'm basically standing on quick sand. It's seemingly only a matter of time before my time is depleted...I'm extremely apathetic and nothing seems interesting...including people. My minimal interests, failures, negative past experiences, and various philosophical views have lead me to complete stagnation. In regards to my environmental circumstances, I've remained in the exact same place for over a year now. Sleeping, going on my computer, going back to sleep. Why? Action is a gamble. Inaction is almost a certainty that it'll lead to a worse or the same place, but action is a gamble nonetheless. Action isn't a guarantee to lead one to a better place. It could go either way and in my case It's a must to undergo certain hardships before I can even have the "possible" chance at obtaining some form of contentment. I'm 18 and my parents are tired of me "freeloading". If I want to go down the road of "attempting", I'll have to get a shitty minimum wage job. That's the first step. I've been employed before for 2 weeks before I quit...Holding a certain job is also all about perspective. It's like persevering in school...Some might find some purpose in it, others might not. Others might find it interesting, others vaguely interesting, and for others it's better to die. It's more or less like a bell curve and so it's very hard to "compare" one's experience to another due to the discrepancy in perspective. In my case it'd rather die...As I already mentioned the "contentment" in my part of this journey is not a guarantee, but the pain and discomfort certainly is. I have no goals to pursue...I have nothing to drive me to actually go through this BS. There's nothing that I'm aiming for. Finding a goal should be the priority but I can't seem to find anything. Sustaining 15 minutes of attention on a certain task is already my "f*** this shit threshold" if you will. Suicide has always been an option which at times seems way more appealing than "action" in my case.