Normal...
Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:28 pm
I have been depressed for a long time, honestly I don't even know what it's like to be anything else. Every time I thing I'm getting better something happens that reminds me that I'm not.
I didn't exactly have the best home situation growing up. My older brother has anger issues and basically just took them out on me. No matter how many times he hit me, hurt me, or even tried to kill me, my parents never did anything because he's their perfect miracle child- he was born prematurely and had a near-death head injury as a child. Not matter what I do I'm always the screw up that can never do anything right. everything is always my fault.
I feel like no matter how hard I try to be perfect I'm never going to be good enough for my mother. I'm just the mistake that she never should have had. I am so tired of be the screwup, the scapegoat for every slightly bad thing that happens. I am so tired of everything being my fault.
I don't have anyone in my life that I feel like I can talk to about this. My two closest friends both have their own stuff to deal with and I don't want to burden them with mine, it's bad enough I'm a burden on my family.
See my family finally found out about my depression a year ago after I made a suicide attempt. I still can't talk to them about it because they just pretend like it isn't there, they swept it under the rug. I don't want to talk to my therapist about it because I don't even know if it's them that the problem.
The problem with depression is it distorts your thinking so I'm not even sure how much of the situation is just being amplified in my head. I honestly feel like my mother's right, that I am a screwup That my very existence is nothing but a burden. I feel like I would've been better off if my brother had actually killed me as a kid. I wonder if they, my parents, would have even noticed.
Honestly when I think about my suicide attempt I don't even think my mom would have realized I was dead under my body started to decay and smell. If it hadn't been for one of my friends... I wouldn't even be alive right now.
I hate feeling like this. I hate it! I hate feeling like I'm better off dead. I hate how much I despise myself.
Once, just once, I want to know what it's like to be normal... but that'll never happen.
Don't worry about replying to me. I just needing to get this out somewhere, so I'll have at least told someone, even if it's just to strangers on the internet who don't even know my name.
I didn't exactly have the best home situation growing up. My older brother has anger issues and basically just took them out on me. No matter how many times he hit me, hurt me, or even tried to kill me, my parents never did anything because he's their perfect miracle child- he was born prematurely and had a near-death head injury as a child. Not matter what I do I'm always the screw up that can never do anything right. everything is always my fault.
I feel like no matter how hard I try to be perfect I'm never going to be good enough for my mother. I'm just the mistake that she never should have had. I am so tired of be the screwup, the scapegoat for every slightly bad thing that happens. I am so tired of everything being my fault.
I don't have anyone in my life that I feel like I can talk to about this. My two closest friends both have their own stuff to deal with and I don't want to burden them with mine, it's bad enough I'm a burden on my family.
See my family finally found out about my depression a year ago after I made a suicide attempt. I still can't talk to them about it because they just pretend like it isn't there, they swept it under the rug. I don't want to talk to my therapist about it because I don't even know if it's them that the problem.
The problem with depression is it distorts your thinking so I'm not even sure how much of the situation is just being amplified in my head. I honestly feel like my mother's right, that I am a screwup That my very existence is nothing but a burden. I feel like I would've been better off if my brother had actually killed me as a kid. I wonder if they, my parents, would have even noticed.
Honestly when I think about my suicide attempt I don't even think my mom would have realized I was dead under my body started to decay and smell. If it hadn't been for one of my friends... I wouldn't even be alive right now.
I hate feeling like this. I hate it! I hate feeling like I'm better off dead. I hate how much I despise myself.
Once, just once, I want to know what it's like to be normal... but that'll never happen.
Don't worry about replying to me. I just needing to get this out somewhere, so I'll have at least told someone, even if it's just to strangers on the internet who don't even know my name.