Normal...

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Orchaid Lover
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:47 am

Normal...

Postby Orchaid Lover » Sun Apr 08, 2018 9:28 pm

I have been depressed for a long time, honestly I don't even know what it's like to be anything else. Every time I thing I'm getting better something happens that reminds me that I'm not.
I didn't exactly have the best home situation growing up. My older brother has anger issues and basically just took them out on me. No matter how many times he hit me, hurt me, or even tried to kill me, my parents never did anything because he's their perfect miracle child- he was born prematurely and had a near-death head injury as a child. Not matter what I do I'm always the screw up that can never do anything right. everything is always my fault.
I feel like no matter how hard I try to be perfect I'm never going to be good enough for my mother. I'm just the mistake that she never should have had. I am so tired of be the screwup, the scapegoat for every slightly bad thing that happens. I am so tired of everything being my fault.
I don't have anyone in my life that I feel like I can talk to about this. My two closest friends both have their own stuff to deal with and I don't want to burden them with mine, it's bad enough I'm a burden on my family.
See my family finally found out about my depression a year ago after I made a suicide attempt. I still can't talk to them about it because they just pretend like it isn't there, they swept it under the rug. I don't want to talk to my therapist about it because I don't even know if it's them that the problem.
The problem with depression is it distorts your thinking so I'm not even sure how much of the situation is just being amplified in my head. I honestly feel like my mother's right, that I am a screwup That my very existence is nothing but a burden. I feel like I would've been better off if my brother had actually killed me as a kid. I wonder if they, my parents, would have even noticed.
Honestly when I think about my suicide attempt I don't even think my mom would have realized I was dead under my body started to decay and smell. If it hadn't been for one of my friends... I wouldn't even be alive right now.
I hate feeling like this. I hate it! I hate feeling like I'm better off dead. I hate how much I despise myself.
Once, just once, I want to know what it's like to be normal... but that'll never happen.

Don't worry about replying to me. I just needing to get this out somewhere, so I'll have at least told someone, even if it's just to strangers on the internet who don't even know my name.

lovetodance2018
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:11 pm

Re: Normal...

Postby lovetodance2018 » Mon Apr 09, 2018 10:58 am

I am sorry you have been dealing with depression for years. Sounds like you had a tough childhood. It is good you reached out on this forum. Most of people here can relate to having depression. You are not alone and we care about you. You are a precious person and even though you don’t feel that way- just know you are uniquely and wonderfully made. I have also struggled with depression for years. Also, struggled in the past with suicide thoughts. What has helped me was seeking professional help and getting on the right medicine. Because as you noticed depression plays with your mind and your thoughts. It sounds like you have a therapist, but if you are not feeling comfortable sharing with that counselor, then he/she might not be the right one for you. Are you on medication? You might consider looking at meeting with a psychiatrist about that. Here is a number of a free counseling group that might be able to help you find the help you need - 1-855-771-HELP (4357). It also sounds like you have friends that care. So do let them support you and surround you with love. Two other things that helped me was reading through the book - Battlefield of the mind https://bit.ly/2EtJQHv and listening to uplifting songs like God will Make a Way by Don Moen https://bit.ly/2qk184C . I will be praying for you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

lovetodance2018
Posts: 11
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2018 3:11 pm

Re: Normal...

Postby lovetodance2018 » Mon May 14, 2018 4:12 pm

We haven't heard from you in a while. Just checking up to see how you are feeling? Did you get a chance to check on a counselor or the book I suggested? I will continue to pray for you. Know you are not alone and there are people thinking about you. Blessings.

Janine28
Posts: 48
Joined: Wed Apr 18, 2018 7:55 pm

Re: Normal...

Postby Janine28 » Sat Jun 02, 2018 11:03 pm

PLEASE look up Ketamine Infusions to treat depression! I have been taking them and my depression is actually GONE! I have been suffering from SEVERE depression resistant to medication for about 30 years...I'm 42...I have been getting the infusions for about a year AND THEY WORK!!!

Orchaid Lover
Posts: 25
Joined: Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:47 am

Re: Normal...

Postby Orchaid Lover » Mon Jul 02, 2018 3:39 am

So I'm actually doing a bit better. my friends had started to notice that I wasn't doing so well and made me talk to them. I'm no longer seeing a therapist and I'm trying to get off my medication. I'm overall pretty okay it's just every once in a while I hit some lows and it helps me to kind of air it out online. Thanks for the advice and support.


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