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Why can't I love him properly?

Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2018 3:00 pm
by Wonderland
Recently, I find myself in a state of depression and anxiety. I'm on meds and going to psychoterapy but I don't feel any better. I feel tired all day, I cry at all times, I just want to sleep. I'm not hungry. I been thinking of ending my life.

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years. We'be been the best friends of all times, we love each other, very much, but I can't seem to love him properly. I know it sounds crazy, I feel crazy. We got engaged on july 2017, and a month later I began to feel anguish crisis every time we planned up the wedding. I still don't understand why. This january doctors told me I've been in chronic depression for years. I've never been treated before. I've been crying every day since october.

He's been the best with me... all this years, even now. He has the best of hearts. I love him, but at the same time I couldn't marry him. I can't. I've always doubted how I feel about him, as my best friend or as something else. I feel totally selfish and guilty. But I can't seem to live without him, I dunno if I'm co-dependent, but I want to love him "madly", and have a family with him. I don't understand why I can't do it.

When we started dating, I was in depression, because of a previous relationship with someone else. In that time I didn't indentify I was depressed. I used him as a lifesaver cause I wanted to give myself the opportunity to love again. We were friends, he was in love with me, I didnĀ“t even liked him. But I needed him. I started loving him little by little, but never "fell in love". After the first months, we had several problems concerning my mother. To contextualize, I'm from Latin America (sorry for my english) and families here are not like US or Europe, we're catholic in majority, and people live with their parents till they get married, we catholic educated women do, and of course "we can't" have sex till we get married.

Once (first year I think), mom caught us in second base (yeah...), and she went crazy. She even shouted at us outside our house, horrible, and since then we hid our relationship from her (2 years). We saw each other mainly at college. She knew we were dating, but he wasn't allowed in my house for almost 5 years. I could see him only 2 hours a week (of course we scaped a few times a week). He tried to talk to her few times to fix it. All that years I listened, from my mother, how he was worthless, fat, foolish, coward, etc. In the meantime we finished our relationship few times, once a year, aproximately, because I had doubts on my feelings, and because, (now I know), I had several depressions (small ones?) because of fighting with my mother. I was scared of her the first years, I couldn't even pick up the phone in front of her if he was calling me. We were a silent relationship. Crying together.

5 years together and things started to improve, we were happier, because my mother invited him home for the first time, she started to accept him. I still had doubts but they were smaller. I was happy and in the 6th year I wanted to marry him, I told him. He was ready, years before me. He loves me like no one has loved me. He's patient, good and kind, for me he's not like my mother described him. He propossed, I said yes. I cried happy tears. Finally. And then, sadness and crisis. These have been the most difficult months of my life.

We postponed the wedding, I don't even know if we're getting married anymore. We're about to break up. My doubts came back (I was always honest with him). I can't be happy with him but I love him, well, I dunno if I feel real love for him, can that happen? I feel like I'm going crazy. Should I leave him? This thought makes me feel so sad. How can I love him properly? I know I can't force myself :( How is it possible to love him and at the same time don't? How is it possible I am happy and unhappy with him?

Please help. Sorry for the lenght.

Re: Why can't I love him properly?

Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 12:39 pm
by Graywolf
I know what you are going through. My wife and I have been married for 24 years. We were so much in love with each other. But after my bypass surgery I changed not for the better but for the worse. I been like you for a year and a half. Crying distancing myself from others. I take my meds and see my doctor, but nothing is helping me.I have put my wife through so much you wouldn't believe it. I feel the same as you, Does she sill love me and do I still love her, should I leave or is she going to leave. Yeah it gets crazy in my mind and I can't control it. But what keep me for leave and thinking I don't love her or she don't love me. Is this I try to think of just one good thing we have done together in the past. The love we shared. Even some time the great love making we have done, and then I step back try to pick my self back up again and say to my self one day at a time, one step at a time, and I go over and kiss her on the cheek and tell her I love her. Sometimes you have to remember the past to go on to the future.

Re: Why can't I love him properly?

Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 1:47 pm
by Wonderland
@Graywolf thank you so much for your reply. It's conforting that someone can understand my feelings. Thank you for your advice. I think your'e brave saying to yourself: "one step at a time" I think love always triumphs. If you've been married for so long, you can go through this, make plans together, just keep on trying. I've started stiking positive messages in my room, and I repeat them all day; like: "life's worth living", "nothing lasts forever", "I can love"... They sound like nonsense at the begining but they help me to get through the day.

Re: Why can't I love him properly?

Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2018 11:15 pm
by Graywolf
Kool, it looks like you are on the right path to getting your life back on track. Hang in there you'll make it. You have a goal so go for it. If this person is your one true love don't blow it because of depression. Talk to them openly about what you are going through. If they truly love you they will help all they can. It's a big gamble , but you've got to take it because real true love is very hard to find. I hope this helps. I'm not much but I found my one true love, and you deserve to be loved. Every one deserves it but few find it. You can't just throw away 7 years. Most relationships don't even last 3 years. See you've doubled that already.

For Better or Worse

Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2018 11:24 am
by MeToo7
Good morning, I'm just reading threads on the site and can't help but respond to your post. There's so great insight by others here and I would only want to add to the comments made by others. Someone told me that I can only love someone else well, if I can love myself well. I can only love myself well when I see myself as I actually am, not how I perceive I am. Obviously you are a wonderful person or your BF/Finance wouldn't have stuck with you through thick and thin all these years! You have qualities that he loves so much, enough for him to be willing to deal with all the family issues etc. Who would be able to help you make a list of all the qualities you have that make you the awesome person you are? Secondly, I want to say something about 'feelings'. They are fickle. Emotions are not the marker of love. Love is actually an action and choice, not a feeling. You two have been together long enough now to be dealing with some of the stuff us marrieds deal with, and one of those things is 'just not feeling it' anymore. Sorry, but feelings come and go and as you know-depression hits, stressors hit, and we're down. Then, they bring us flowers or take us away for a surprise night-and we're up. The only constant is commitment. You know the vows...for better or worse (indicating there will be both), for richer or poorer (indicating there will be both) and in sickness and in health (indicating there will be both). Nothing in life is easy and marriage isn't easy either. It takes work. But, if you're both committed to making it work and both recognize there will be good and bad times throughout life, you'll be ok! Chin up, you're going to feel better about things if you adopt the right perspective about yourself and your relationship with your BF and talk it through with him! HUGS

Re: Why can't I love him properly?

Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 11:13 am
by KimmyO
Well, it's sometimes hard to tell what our feelings are when meds dampen them down. Are you in love or dependant on him because of the length of your relationship with him? Did the sneaking and hiding add an excitement that was not based on love but rebellion to your Mom? Sometimes tho love is a choice to be committed, not just a feeling. Feelings come and go, in those times we aren't feeling it, we choose to act in love anyway and the feeling come back in marriage. Be sure, tho before you do marry. You are right to really think it our before committing, it is or should be a life time commitment and so is to be taken seriously. When I have felt the way your are but I am married, I pray for guidance and recommit out of choice. It is not easy to stay married, even years later it is work, but everything worthwhile is and it is a wonderful way to live, knowing love. =)
There is a normal level of anxiety too, tho with marriage planning and "are we making the right choice..." Praying for you in this one! Is there someone you can talk with to sort out your feelings? Maybe both of you or just you could go to pre-marriage counseling to work on it all. Many priests or pastors will do that even at no charge.

Re: Why can't I love him properly?

Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2018 3:31 pm
by Wonderland
@Kimmy O

It means so much to me to get all of your comfort words and your advice!! I really don't know what is a marriage, my mother never got married, she was left pregnant with me. So I don't know what it is to have married parents. I haven't got the greatests examples in the rest of my family either, and I'm really afraid I fail. So I thank you take the time to answer. I will follow your advices. Hugs!!