Why can't I love him properly?
Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2018 3:00 pm
Recently, I find myself in a state of depression and anxiety. I'm on meds and going to psychoterapy but I don't feel any better. I feel tired all day, I cry at all times, I just want to sleep. I'm not hungry. I been thinking of ending my life.
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years. We'be been the best friends of all times, we love each other, very much, but I can't seem to love him properly. I know it sounds crazy, I feel crazy. We got engaged on july 2017, and a month later I began to feel anguish crisis every time we planned up the wedding. I still don't understand why. This january doctors told me I've been in chronic depression for years. I've never been treated before. I've been crying every day since october.
He's been the best with me... all this years, even now. He has the best of hearts. I love him, but at the same time I couldn't marry him. I can't. I've always doubted how I feel about him, as my best friend or as something else. I feel totally selfish and guilty. But I can't seem to live without him, I dunno if I'm co-dependent, but I want to love him "madly", and have a family with him. I don't understand why I can't do it.
When we started dating, I was in depression, because of a previous relationship with someone else. In that time I didn't indentify I was depressed. I used him as a lifesaver cause I wanted to give myself the opportunity to love again. We were friends, he was in love with me, I didnĀ“t even liked him. But I needed him. I started loving him little by little, but never "fell in love". After the first months, we had several problems concerning my mother. To contextualize, I'm from Latin America (sorry for my english) and families here are not like US or Europe, we're catholic in majority, and people live with their parents till they get married, we catholic educated women do, and of course "we can't" have sex till we get married.
Once (first year I think), mom caught us in second base (yeah...), and she went crazy. She even shouted at us outside our house, horrible, and since then we hid our relationship from her (2 years). We saw each other mainly at college. She knew we were dating, but he wasn't allowed in my house for almost 5 years. I could see him only 2 hours a week (of course we scaped a few times a week). He tried to talk to her few times to fix it. All that years I listened, from my mother, how he was worthless, fat, foolish, coward, etc. In the meantime we finished our relationship few times, once a year, aproximately, because I had doubts on my feelings, and because, (now I know), I had several depressions (small ones?) because of fighting with my mother. I was scared of her the first years, I couldn't even pick up the phone in front of her if he was calling me. We were a silent relationship. Crying together.
5 years together and things started to improve, we were happier, because my mother invited him home for the first time, she started to accept him. I still had doubts but they were smaller. I was happy and in the 6th year I wanted to marry him, I told him. He was ready, years before me. He loves me like no one has loved me. He's patient, good and kind, for me he's not like my mother described him. He propossed, I said yes. I cried happy tears. Finally. And then, sadness and crisis. These have been the most difficult months of my life.
We postponed the wedding, I don't even know if we're getting married anymore. We're about to break up. My doubts came back (I was always honest with him). I can't be happy with him but I love him, well, I dunno if I feel real love for him, can that happen? I feel like I'm going crazy. Should I leave him? This thought makes me feel so sad. How can I love him properly? I know I can't force myself How is it possible to love him and at the same time don't? How is it possible I am happy and unhappy with him?
Please help. Sorry for the lenght.
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 1/2 years. We'be been the best friends of all times, we love each other, very much, but I can't seem to love him properly. I know it sounds crazy, I feel crazy. We got engaged on july 2017, and a month later I began to feel anguish crisis every time we planned up the wedding. I still don't understand why. This january doctors told me I've been in chronic depression for years. I've never been treated before. I've been crying every day since october.
He's been the best with me... all this years, even now. He has the best of hearts. I love him, but at the same time I couldn't marry him. I can't. I've always doubted how I feel about him, as my best friend or as something else. I feel totally selfish and guilty. But I can't seem to live without him, I dunno if I'm co-dependent, but I want to love him "madly", and have a family with him. I don't understand why I can't do it.
When we started dating, I was in depression, because of a previous relationship with someone else. In that time I didn't indentify I was depressed. I used him as a lifesaver cause I wanted to give myself the opportunity to love again. We were friends, he was in love with me, I didnĀ“t even liked him. But I needed him. I started loving him little by little, but never "fell in love". After the first months, we had several problems concerning my mother. To contextualize, I'm from Latin America (sorry for my english) and families here are not like US or Europe, we're catholic in majority, and people live with their parents till they get married, we catholic educated women do, and of course "we can't" have sex till we get married.
Once (first year I think), mom caught us in second base (yeah...), and she went crazy. She even shouted at us outside our house, horrible, and since then we hid our relationship from her (2 years). We saw each other mainly at college. She knew we were dating, but he wasn't allowed in my house for almost 5 years. I could see him only 2 hours a week (of course we scaped a few times a week). He tried to talk to her few times to fix it. All that years I listened, from my mother, how he was worthless, fat, foolish, coward, etc. In the meantime we finished our relationship few times, once a year, aproximately, because I had doubts on my feelings, and because, (now I know), I had several depressions (small ones?) because of fighting with my mother. I was scared of her the first years, I couldn't even pick up the phone in front of her if he was calling me. We were a silent relationship. Crying together.
5 years together and things started to improve, we were happier, because my mother invited him home for the first time, she started to accept him. I still had doubts but they were smaller. I was happy and in the 6th year I wanted to marry him, I told him. He was ready, years before me. He loves me like no one has loved me. He's patient, good and kind, for me he's not like my mother described him. He propossed, I said yes. I cried happy tears. Finally. And then, sadness and crisis. These have been the most difficult months of my life.
We postponed the wedding, I don't even know if we're getting married anymore. We're about to break up. My doubts came back (I was always honest with him). I can't be happy with him but I love him, well, I dunno if I feel real love for him, can that happen? I feel like I'm going crazy. Should I leave him? This thought makes me feel so sad. How can I love him properly? I know I can't force myself How is it possible to love him and at the same time don't? How is it possible I am happy and unhappy with him?
Please help. Sorry for the lenght.