People Problems
Posted: Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:43 pm
Well, I think everyone here understands that feeling of when you thought you hit rock bottom, only to find you can fall right through that bottom too. To be blunt, I attempted suicide, failed, and am now at an uneasy pact with life and my treatment team. Everyone says it's just a rut that I'll get through, but every week feels a little worse than the last, and even though I have a loving family and several close friends, I have never felt so absolutely abandoned.
I don't know how detailed I should get, but I'll start simple. I'm a 21 year old male, financially stable, and had plenty of friends. About a year ago, a close friend and I had a rude falling out when he attacked my religion, and when we tried to move past that, it only got worse. Big deal, stuff happens, we went our separate ways and moved on. It probably started my downward spiral, but I didn't know any better. fast forward a few months, and I had several close friends, but that one guy came back around, and adopted the same schedule I had. Same job, same living area, same friends, etc. I thought it was a great chance to rekindle an old friendship, but somehow I screwed that up and became stuck in a limbo area where we would just pretend the other person didn't exist. We were prepping for a test that we would take that would decide if we could keep our job or not, and the prep time was about 2 years, so I spent close to that just trying to survive, but I didn't do it too well, and come test day he finally pulled me to the side and this little meeting ended poorly and I stormed off to take my test, which I promptly failed. Way later I had the chance to retake said test, and passed, but at the time I didn't know better. This is when I attempted suicide, but I failed (A trend it seems), and another friend ended up coming to my rescue.
I was put in a ward for a week where I met someone who said their son killed himself and that I reminded her of her son. Hearing her story alerted me to the uneasy truth of what would probably happen to my mother if I had succeeded, so I assured her and everyone else that I wouldn't try again.
Sadly, since that incident, every week is harder to make it through than the last. I only told four people that I attempted suicide. one moved far off and I never heard from them again, another is my mother and we no longer see eye to eye anymore, another was the friend who saved me that night and afterwards I had several mental breakdowns in front of him and he moved off and told me never to speak to him again, and the last and the final person I told is still around but I feel like I'm about to run that person off too. Everyone else I associate with is none the wiser, and they all genuinely like me. This has me convinced that I can't talk about my problems, which have constantly been growing since the start, and that getting close to people will only lead to more pain down the line.
So far, I still believe suicide isn't the answer, but I am always worried that I won't be able to convince myself of that, considering I have to remind myself that every day. I have three different therapist that I see often and a roommate that follows me around (with no idea why), so there is no need for alarm, but living this way is really grinding away at my emotions.
Sorry for the long post, but I have no idea what else to do, and I just want find a way to make life feel a little better because here I am 5 months after the incident and instead of time healing the wound, it made it worse and I honestly feel like the future isn't an inviting place.
I don't know how detailed I should get, but I'll start simple. I'm a 21 year old male, financially stable, and had plenty of friends. About a year ago, a close friend and I had a rude falling out when he attacked my religion, and when we tried to move past that, it only got worse. Big deal, stuff happens, we went our separate ways and moved on. It probably started my downward spiral, but I didn't know any better. fast forward a few months, and I had several close friends, but that one guy came back around, and adopted the same schedule I had. Same job, same living area, same friends, etc. I thought it was a great chance to rekindle an old friendship, but somehow I screwed that up and became stuck in a limbo area where we would just pretend the other person didn't exist. We were prepping for a test that we would take that would decide if we could keep our job or not, and the prep time was about 2 years, so I spent close to that just trying to survive, but I didn't do it too well, and come test day he finally pulled me to the side and this little meeting ended poorly and I stormed off to take my test, which I promptly failed. Way later I had the chance to retake said test, and passed, but at the time I didn't know better. This is when I attempted suicide, but I failed (A trend it seems), and another friend ended up coming to my rescue.
I was put in a ward for a week where I met someone who said their son killed himself and that I reminded her of her son. Hearing her story alerted me to the uneasy truth of what would probably happen to my mother if I had succeeded, so I assured her and everyone else that I wouldn't try again.
Sadly, since that incident, every week is harder to make it through than the last. I only told four people that I attempted suicide. one moved far off and I never heard from them again, another is my mother and we no longer see eye to eye anymore, another was the friend who saved me that night and afterwards I had several mental breakdowns in front of him and he moved off and told me never to speak to him again, and the last and the final person I told is still around but I feel like I'm about to run that person off too. Everyone else I associate with is none the wiser, and they all genuinely like me. This has me convinced that I can't talk about my problems, which have constantly been growing since the start, and that getting close to people will only lead to more pain down the line.
So far, I still believe suicide isn't the answer, but I am always worried that I won't be able to convince myself of that, considering I have to remind myself that every day. I have three different therapist that I see often and a roommate that follows me around (with no idea why), so there is no need for alarm, but living this way is really grinding away at my emotions.
Sorry for the long post, but I have no idea what else to do, and I just want find a way to make life feel a little better because here I am 5 months after the incident and instead of time healing the wound, it made it worse and I honestly feel like the future isn't an inviting place.