I woke up one day and I stopped living. I am simply existing.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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boymom3
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Dec 21, 2017 2:29 pm

I woke up one day and I stopped living. I am simply existing.

Postby boymom3 » Thu Dec 21, 2017 2:59 pm

This is my first time reaching out to find others who feel the way I do. I feel ashamed to even know I am in a place I’ve never been....i am scared. I got it all, husband, kids...parents, brother, nieces. Yet I am alone. In a very dark place. I feel like I don’t even know who I am. I once had a wonderful job that I loved doing. Depression crept in my life and now my days are filled with insomnia from the night before, to getting out of bed just to go hit the couch for hours on end. My home use to be my safe place, now it feels like a war zone. I am so detached from my children. I am detached my husband and so on. I feel alone. Legit, just me. Nobody seems to understand my issue. I feel like just giving up. I don’t do much as a stay at home mother, I have failed my children. They just think mommy sleeps a lot. (some days I do) I might have a handful of days now that I actually fulfill light duties. Those days use to be non existent! I was the mom who had it all together! worked, cleaned, cooked, the go to person in the family for planning out holidays and all the festivities! I am no longer near that person. I try. I really do. I was even medicated for a year with an antidepressant . I without my doctors consent went off the medicine a couple months ago. I didn’t feel any benifit in taking a pill to subside the depression. It just wasn’t for me. Days turned into weeks, weeks have turned into months, months have me now at a year plus of this “phase”. Yes I said “phase” because that’s what everyone around me calls it. Like the word depression is an embarrassment to who I was once associated being. And honestly, a phase would be just exactly what I wish this was. I don’t live, I don’t enjoy much at all. I feel tired day in and day out. My kids ask for dinner and I tell myself I am being punished. (i know i’m not) they are just needing a mother. A mother I cannot be, though I try. I try so hard!!!! I let my family down daily. It’s like one day I woke up, to a nightmare none the less, hoping it would all pass. It hasn’t. It takes me days to get ready to face seeing people in public and that itself exhaust me to the point of recoperating for days in bed. I guess my point in being here is to know I am not alone. To realize others are suffering to! To not be judged. Most of all, to know I am enough, and I don’t need a pill to make me understand what’s going on or suppress these feeling that are not going anywhere. Thanks for reading about my situation. There is parts I’ve left out, what maybe would’ve led up to this part of my so called life. I just didn’t want to go overboard with sounding selfish. I hope to hear input and others stories. Then maybe I can start self healing. ❤️ anyone needing a friend, a ear to listen, feel free to leave me some words.

DiegoArgentina92
Posts: 62
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 5:47 am
Location: Argentina, [email protected]
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Re: I woke up one day and I stopped living. I am simply existing.

Postby DiegoArgentina92 » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:03 pm

Have you talked with your husband about this ? Maybe you can go out to some place, to you have some movement. But i think talk about this with your husband should be good. In facebook are ton of groups about depression and others related, maybe you can try them, and maybe see yo find someone from your area, to go out, to talk about this things, and etc. Good luck.

Hani
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:50 pm

Re: I woke up one day and I stopped living. I am simply existing.

Postby Hani » Thu Jan 11, 2018 12:43 am

I can't really say that I know exactly what you are going through, because I'm not a mother, but I CAN say that those feelings you have are no stranger to me either, and I can also say that I have a mother and she fell into depression after my father died.

First, let's talk about my mother. This isn't a comparison between the two of you, this is a success story that hopefully will lift your spirits to know that escape is possible from this prison. Anyhow, when I was eleven, my father died, and my mother became depressed. She stopped doing much of anything, and just laid in bed all day, sometimes I would catch her crying, but most of the time she would just lie there. At first I thought she wouldn't even get up and eat, and my family had to visit often to make sure we were all fed. Over time, she realized that sitting around wasn't going to fix the situation. Nothing was getting better, and the only way to make it get better was to do something. She started spending time with us, and she went back to school and got a degree for a nice job.

I feel like in your case the answer isn't that simple, but do know that there is a world all around you that is waiting for you to step back into it and tackle it head on.

I was recently diagnosed with transitional depression (Whatever that means) and it is shocking because hardly exhibit any signs. I go out every day, I get about 8 hours of sleep per night, my appetite is fine, my social interaction is fine, and I go to the gym often. Sadly, doing all these things doesn't make that emptiness inside go away. I can be surrounded by my friends who love me, but I will feel completely alone because I can't tell them about this intense sadness. I get my 8 hours of sleep but every minute I'm awake and moving around the only thing I can think about is how I want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world until I can go to sleep again. I eat every meal of the day, but I have to do it mechanically and even have to set timers to tell myself to drink water, I'm in shape but working out doesn't provide the stress relief that everyone says it should. Honestly, it feels like no matter how hard we try, we simply don't deserve our place in the world, and then we see proof of that as we fail every time we have an opportunity to get back into the world.

I may not have the answer for how to get out of this mess. But I do know that in this depression, our minds will think deeply about everything that bothers us in this world, and it won't hurt to listen for a bit and hear what our brain has to say. Maybe you're thinking, "I don't deserve this family because I can't provide for them like I'm suppose to." and then you can think of a thousand examples of how you have failed, but all of those are due to depression. There may have been one instance that started this snowball, and it may come across your mind a lot, but this instance, and all those that followed it are in the past. It may take a tremendous effort, but the next time you have a chance to break this pattern, take it, and don't be upset if you fail again. Just try, and if you fail, reflect on why you failed, and find a strategy to make sure you will have a better chance of success the next time. Maybe one issue is, "I want to get up and prepare a meal for my family." But when the moment comes, you just continue to lay there and pass up the opportunity. Make a plan to avoid doing that the next time, maybe reason that if you prepare a meal, you will open up a conversation with your family while you all eat it and can ask them about how it tastes and what it's missing. Maybe you can make the task more bearable by putting on your favorite uplifting music and maybe dance a little while you cook. Or maybe just simply tell yourself that this is something you have to do and don't give yourself the option of not doing it.

I know how futile it feels, and I know even when you manage to do the right thing you still feel empty and unrewarded. But the world is still spinning, and when we try to get on our feet we aren't used to the momentum so we fall down again. But if we stop trying to get back up, we'll never get back on our feet and we'll be stuck in this rut even longer. Keep trying. When we finally succeed, there are people there that are ready to put us back where we belong. A family, a home, and the chance to make fond memories. They love you, and they will be there for you. They may not have the answer, and they may not know what to say or do, but that doesn't matter, as long as they are still there with you. So use that, and look forward to the chance to live a life with them in it. You have a bright future, so do whatever you can to enjoy it.

Again, I may not have the answer, but I'm a good listener if you would like to just let it all out from time to time. Let it out to someone who knows how it feels. Holding it in makes it worse, and letting it out to people you are close to can hurt too, but you have the whole internet here to listen, so do what you need to do to get better, and start now because it isn't going to happen overnight.


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