My Three Ghosts of Depression
Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2017 12:50 pm
Hello, this is my first time ever using social media to express my present existence and I am a little nervous to begin with, but its easier to type it than talk it I guess.
Every day I wake...sometimes at 4am and sometimes anytime up to 6pm and most of my dreaming world and waking world are thoughts of the past, present and future (my three ghosts) I have been unable to shake off the uselessness of my existence and the knowledge that I am a burden on society and do not contribute in any useful manner. I have not worked for two years now and not because I don't want to...I just can't. I have a fear of who and what I shall be working with. Does it have any worth? Does it have meaning? Will it make me happy?
I am a highly (or was) creative person and very practical in all things I put my energy into but unfortunately the muses have abandoned me and you will most days find me standing at my window with frustration and a nervous tension in my body. I find these feeling go round and round till I just give up and sit and watch TV, which does not help my situation...a catch 22 situation.
I also spend most of my time indoors. I used to like walking and visiting places, traveling abroad and seeing historical sites. Two years ago I was traveling around Europe. Venice, Rome, Tuscany and Barcelona and it was beautiful and a dream to experience but, I was alone. While I was sat in the Sagrada Familia (unfinished cathedral) Barcelona I began to cry and I couldn't stop. I was so embarrassed I tried to hide myself. I wasn't crying at the beauty of the place, I was crying because I was alone and no-one to share this fantastic journey with.
In my past I chose friends very poorly. My hedonism ruled my life thinking that clothes, sex and drugs were the answer and I found that the people that come with this are shallow, false and treacherous. I made no solid friends there and the good positive people that enter my life I ignored and dropped.
Life was very cheap then and the cost to my soul is now in effect. I am alone.
I have cut out any association with any form of that life and now crave substance and compassion in people. I avoid loud, hurtful and judgemental people as much as I can but by doing this I have isolated myself in my cocoon, my home.
The funny thing is I am in between loneliness and company. I don't want either, or more to the fact I fear both.
Turning a 45 male this year has now added to my anxieties and depression. Who am I now and where am I going. Can I make anything of my life with any meaning? My mother had a heart attack this year and this forced me to question my mortality. I started to think about death and yes I do think about taking my own life every day for the last two years. I can assure you I will not, for as much as it would be easier for me to check early I could not do that to my family. I fear what this would do to my Mother and Sister but I cannot help think about it every day.
In summary I think about oblivion every day...a void of existence. Whats the point? I have heart full of emotion and a mind wanting to explode with ideas, fears, monsters and doubt. Haunted by the past, troubled by the present and fearful of the future and none of it really matters.
"The maddening of these thoughts"
I don't want to be in this existence, stuck in my home, frustrated with myself and the world. I am seeking help and have sort help. Each time has been a failure on the part of the councillor or therapist. I tried group therapy and that was awful and the assistant humiliated me in front of everyone which buried me further down in depression. I did receive and apology from the head therapist but the damage was done. I now have a new therapist next year in January so fingers crossed they can help me rediscover myself and banish the demons.
I sure I have lots more to tell but this is long enough and I must admit it feels a little lighter in my soul typing this.
Thank you for the opportunity and to all other living this existence may love and kindness be with you.
Every day I wake...sometimes at 4am and sometimes anytime up to 6pm and most of my dreaming world and waking world are thoughts of the past, present and future (my three ghosts) I have been unable to shake off the uselessness of my existence and the knowledge that I am a burden on society and do not contribute in any useful manner. I have not worked for two years now and not because I don't want to...I just can't. I have a fear of who and what I shall be working with. Does it have any worth? Does it have meaning? Will it make me happy?
I am a highly (or was) creative person and very practical in all things I put my energy into but unfortunately the muses have abandoned me and you will most days find me standing at my window with frustration and a nervous tension in my body. I find these feeling go round and round till I just give up and sit and watch TV, which does not help my situation...a catch 22 situation.
I also spend most of my time indoors. I used to like walking and visiting places, traveling abroad and seeing historical sites. Two years ago I was traveling around Europe. Venice, Rome, Tuscany and Barcelona and it was beautiful and a dream to experience but, I was alone. While I was sat in the Sagrada Familia (unfinished cathedral) Barcelona I began to cry and I couldn't stop. I was so embarrassed I tried to hide myself. I wasn't crying at the beauty of the place, I was crying because I was alone and no-one to share this fantastic journey with.
In my past I chose friends very poorly. My hedonism ruled my life thinking that clothes, sex and drugs were the answer and I found that the people that come with this are shallow, false and treacherous. I made no solid friends there and the good positive people that enter my life I ignored and dropped.
Life was very cheap then and the cost to my soul is now in effect. I am alone.
I have cut out any association with any form of that life and now crave substance and compassion in people. I avoid loud, hurtful and judgemental people as much as I can but by doing this I have isolated myself in my cocoon, my home.
The funny thing is I am in between loneliness and company. I don't want either, or more to the fact I fear both.
Turning a 45 male this year has now added to my anxieties and depression. Who am I now and where am I going. Can I make anything of my life with any meaning? My mother had a heart attack this year and this forced me to question my mortality. I started to think about death and yes I do think about taking my own life every day for the last two years. I can assure you I will not, for as much as it would be easier for me to check early I could not do that to my family. I fear what this would do to my Mother and Sister but I cannot help think about it every day.
In summary I think about oblivion every day...a void of existence. Whats the point? I have heart full of emotion and a mind wanting to explode with ideas, fears, monsters and doubt. Haunted by the past, troubled by the present and fearful of the future and none of it really matters.
"The maddening of these thoughts"
I don't want to be in this existence, stuck in my home, frustrated with myself and the world. I am seeking help and have sort help. Each time has been a failure on the part of the councillor or therapist. I tried group therapy and that was awful and the assistant humiliated me in front of everyone which buried me further down in depression. I did receive and apology from the head therapist but the damage was done. I now have a new therapist next year in January so fingers crossed they can help me rediscover myself and banish the demons.
I sure I have lots more to tell but this is long enough and I must admit it feels a little lighter in my soul typing this.
Thank you for the opportunity and to all other living this existence may love and kindness be with you.