This is my first time doing one of these. It's a few minutes before midnight and this is when my depression usually kicks in bad.
But who am I? My name is Chantel, although my username is tears. I chose tears because it's something simple and easy, as I get that question a lot.
I come from a pretty rough start. I haven't come from the best childhood, I was taken advantage of multiple times when i was a very young child. Phew I said that, it's out there, okay let's keep going. My brother has multiple mental disabilities, some included add, Aspergers and autism. My mother has a severe physical disability, 5 herniated discs and extreme scoliosis, both of which can not be fixed by anything at this point. Not even surgery, although we have tried. My brother and I are bound to inherit the same disabilities, although I am already feeling the effects at 16 years old. As of today, I can dislocate both shoulders, hips, the dead center of the back of my knees pop and ache if left un-popped, my right side of my jaw, my right pinky, both of my wrists and the list goes on. My doctor thinks I have a soft tissue disorder and I don't blame that speculation. My father is not afraid to crack open a few beers a night which gives me an uneasy feeling at times.
All of this can get a little much at times, especially when my "best friend" turned on me for no reason in 7th grade. Ladies and gentlemen, 7th grade is what lead up to me being here. I struggled with computer hacking, nasty emails, threats, rumors, the whole nine yards up until my 8th grade when things got really bad. I started understanding this strange feeling that i couldn't place. I first heard and understood the word depression in middle school. How could I understand what it meant at such a young age? I related to it. I kept this a secret for as long as I could until I accidentally told my parents. I wrote how I wanted a car to run me over in an English essay, and my mom saw it before I got to turn it in. She immediately sat me down and asked what was going on so I explained everything and how I couldn't stop thinking about how I want to die.
Fast forward to my freshman year, depression became a daily struggle. At some points I would have to have my brother throw me off of my bed so I could get up and get to school on time. A few months going through this and I felt like i've had enough. I started getting into the wrong crowds, getting bad grades, still dealing with my now ex best friend. Then I met this amazing guy. Skip to February and I realized I finally meant something. Finally realized this guy actually cares about me for me. Finally realized what love feels like. My mom took me to see a therapist and I told him all about this amazing guy I met in biology and I was thinking about throwing the "l" word out there, but I didnt want to sound dumb as a freshman in high school saying I was in love. But here is this therapist confirming my theory. I told my mom about "Bob" (don't want to name him) and she too said I seemed in love like when she met my father. A week later I got the guts to tell Bob I loved him. He started realizing what a mess I was in and started helping me out. After almost getting in a few fights my parents decided to switch schools with me for my sophomore year. To homeschooling.
Man oh man was I excited to get out of the hell hole I was in. Yeah, I wouldn't be able to see Bob, after he confessed he loved me too on the last day of school, but we can still text. Secretly. Which we've been doing since day one that we met and my parents found out a few times (oops) so now they hate him haha *rolls eyes*. Anyways, we had it all planned out.
Go to present day. Worst. Mistake. Of. My. Life. DO NOT DO HOMESCHOOLING. IT SUCKS!!! Now my depression has been spiking, as well as suicidal thoughts. I did do self harm once and never again, but as soon as I realized what I did I texted Bob. I made him promise me that if I ever did it again that he would leave me. I have had clean wrists since that day.
Whenever i'm on here I always try to make sure I can help who needs help, lend an ear to someone who needs to rant or just be a good friend with a shoulder to cry on. I don't expect anything back. People always tell me how i'm such an amazing person and I should never change who I am, But I need to change. I'm still struggling with all of these thoughts and these depression spikes so something needs to give. But just know this is my decision, not my parents or Bob's or my brothers. Mine.
So....yeah....that's basically my life summed up. I'm not sure why i'm writing this, but I just felt like I have been here long enough and you guys should know most of my story. A good friend once told me.......
"Everyday is just a chapter. Don't close the book until you have read every page, word for word, cover to cover."
It's now past midnight and I should sleep, so good night guys, take care, hugs to all who want/need one.
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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