please help i dont know how to make the pain stop

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2017 4:18 am

please help i dont know how to make the pain stop

Postby stuckinapit » Thu Dec 07, 2017 4:36 am

I can't believe I'm typing on an online depression forum. i don't know who i am right now. all my life, i've had great opportunities. i live in a nice town, i have parents who care about me, close friends, teammates, all of it. i'm in college now, and it's hard but i love what i'm learning and i love my sorority and other organizations. objectively, nothing is going wrong in my life. people know me as someone who is outgoing, energetic, always smiling. i thought of myself as driven and caring. i don't know anymore. i always hate something about myself, but usually it's about my body and i get over it. now, i don't know. i've never had any serious mental illnesses, only mild adhd at the end of high school. at the beginning of this semester, the first of my sophomore year, i had my first panic attack and my first experience with depression. i would cry and cry and cry and i wouldn't stop moving. i would shake uncontrollably and pick at my face until it bled. i didn't eat or sleep. i had no idea what was going on and i was terrified. i am usually very self-aware and rational. i like layered thought. i love law and philosophy, i read about it and talk about it all the time, and i like talking about religion and pop culture and all these things, i like to laugh and hang out. when i was going through that stage of panic, none of my thoughts were there. no thoughts from the real me, only a jumbled, terrifying mess. it got worse and worse and i went to the hospital. nothing helped, my school gave me no assistance because i had no diagnosis, i fely isolated. in october i was diagnosed with major depressive, generalized anxiety, and severe adhd. never experienced any of it n my life before. totally foreign to me. i thought it would get better, but right now i'm experiencing some of the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire life. my anxiety and depression are constant, but the severity comes in intense and unpredictable waves. i consistently have to leave the library to go home. lately i've been laying on my bed, sobbing for hours and staring at the wall. i can't move. the pain is completely unbearable. i lost so much weight from not eating. when i went home for thanksgiving, all any of my high school friends told me was how great and hot i looked, but it was just awful to hear. i'm back at school now, and every time i eat i feel like one million pounds. i consistently try to make myself throw up, but i can't get anything to come out. i try to exercise, but i can barely get out of bed sometimes. i was this passionate smart body advocate of a girl. now i hate myself, but that's not why i want to die. the pain is so bad, that i don't see how I will ever be free of it. all i want to do is make it go away, every day no matter how good is full of anxiety of the crash that is bound to come later. i have so many people to support me, but i feel so so so so alone like i never have before. i hate this. i hate myself. i need help. i can't kill myself because i love my friends and family too much. i could never hurt them like that. please please help me. i'm trying everything. medicine, therapy, taking time for myself, changing routines, being around others, everything. but it always comes back. i don't know how much longer i'm going to be able to hold on. i can't be like this forever, but i can't die. this has to be worse than death.

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Joined: Sun Sep 17, 2017 7:29 am

Re: please help i dont know how to make the pain stop

Postby anice_yan » Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:56 am

o f***.
I really shouldn't generalize other people's experiences and just assume I understand their situations, but I just can't help noticing your current situation is so similar to mine (or at least mine of few weeks, months ago) I couldn't pass.
Usually, I try not to go up to people and give away 'I understand you', because, hey, who can really? But wow... what you've written sounds just like what I would have written.

I hate myself and the pain of having to live in a body of a person who I hate so much is so intense, I am so ready to hurt it.
But I can't kill it not because of the love for my family (it died a long time ago), but because I hate the unnecessary drama my suicide might cause.

I, too, had a somewhat great life as an undergraduate: always sat in the front row for the classes I loved, hanged out with intelligent and funny friends days and nights, went out to see all sorts of gigs and plays, did everything a uni student can do. I was 'the voice' of my friends' group, the 'strong and lively one', outgoing and confident.
But I crashed down. So hard. It could've been my insecurity with my body-image, which still comes and goes. Nobody expected me to have such insecurity, not because I have this idealized-fantasy body, but I looked so confident with myself.
But I feel like I am lying to people. Like I am just ACTING the look of confidence. The feeling used to go away eventually, but somehow it doesn't go away anymore. I am stuck with this horrible feeling of lack of confidence and feeling like a fake. It's not exactly about my body. I in alright-term with my body image now (I used to be obsessed with it; never a good experience). I know appearance is not my best asset and I am okay with it. So I do what I can do and do it with my maximum effort.
But when the bad time comes, all the things I have done and made progress feel like a substitution for my lack of belief in myself. And it starts to hurt again.

Sorry if I am just rambling on without giving you any wholesome advice or encouragement. I connect with your problem so much I had to share my experience. And I also have this jumble of thoughts, worries, and insecurities all attached to each other so I can't separate them neatly, and I'm trying not to overanalyze and categorize them too discriminatively because over-thinking my thoughts and feelings fed my sense of defeat to grow like that Stranger Things vine. Well, at least my therapist told me to stop it so I will try not to.

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. I am not exactly in a better place, so I am not the one to guarantee you that you'd get better, but I am glad at least you have friends and family who love you. If you'd talk with them when you are in your worst pain, I think they will come to support and ease you. They definitely will.
Also, I am here to tell you that you are not the only one feeling helpless in pain. We can go through this together.
Please take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

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Joined: Thu Apr 20, 2017 5:55 pm

Re: please help i dont know how to make the pain stop

Postby mae19681995 » Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:11 pm

So Sorry to hear this and what you are going through. It is great that you have friends and family who love you. Please reach out to them. It is also great that you have a diagnosis so you and your therapist can work through this together, also maybe now your school can help also. Maybe you just need some time to let the therapy work. Are you on any medications? It take the body time to adjust to those also. It wounds like you are newly diagnosed so do not be too hard on yourself if you don't see a lot of change in this short period of time. I am praying that the pain will stop for you. Please be sure to reach out to your friends and family. They love you so much and want what is best for you. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to adjust to a new normal.....

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Joined: Fri Dec 08, 2017 12:56 am

Re: please help i dont know how to make the pain stop

Postby Petert » Fri Dec 08, 2017 1:03 am

Alright, for the next 10 minutes lie on your back with your eyes closed and picture the most tranquil place you've ever visited. It can be a lake or an ocean, but has to be tranquil. You need to calm down then analyze what has precipitated this change. Do you have irritable bowel syndrome? Did someone say something to trigger this or did you have an abusive boyfriend? I have traveled a long, depressed road but have been better than ever the last several years. Be optimistic. There is a solution, or solutions to your angst. U gotta have hope!

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Location: Argentina, [email protected]

Re: please help i dont know how to make the pain stop

Postby DiegoArgentina92 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:09 am

Hi, seems you are having a very hard momment.

Seems you have pannic, without much a solid reason.

What you have to do is start again. Just wake up tomorrow, and try to forger the last bad days, and start to count from 0.

About the weight, try to do exercise too, go to run, to burn what you eat so dont feel heavy then.

And maybe would be good if you start therapy.

But, dont pannic, thats the first you have to do. Try to start again, make a balance about your good things and bad things, what you have win till now and what you can reach in the future, and dont feel pressure to get it right now.

Good luck.

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Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:48 am

Re: please help i dont know how to make the pain stop

Postby nightingale77 » Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:43 am

Hugs.. sorry that you are going through so much at this moment. It’s hard to imagine how much burden you are carrying except that you are carrying a lot on your own. Given that you are just been diagnosed, you may need to go through several sessions of therapy and regularly taking your medication before u see results. You may wanna know that there are many types of therapy. Do take time to explore which one works better for you. Most importantly though, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are allowed to be not ok from time to time. Sometimes being vulnerable is an act of courage too. Be well and take care. Praying for you. God bless!

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