Help, i cant take this pain

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Dyreal95
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:28 am

Help, i cant take this pain

Postby Dyreal95 » Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:33 am

Sorry for my bad english. I am a 23 year old boy who have had suicidal thoughts for about 6 months now. I have always had low self esteem, but it have just gotten worse and worse the last couple of years, because of some bad choices i have made. It started 3-4 years ago where i would go on online webcam sites and masturbate in front of people. I was often high or drunk while i did this, and i think I did it to fill out the emptiness in my life. I did it a lot for over a year, but then I found a girlfriend and stopped getting high. 18 Months ago i suddenly got very paranoid, because i thought someone could have recorded me, and put it up online. It turns out i was right. After searchin some time i found some videos of me masturbating with face and Everything. Since then i have been depressed and cant move on... I Feel ashamed and gross. I Feel that people will judge me and think im a pervert. My friends says nobody will find the videos, and that nobody cares... I Feel like this will never go away, because it may belong to the past, but to me it also belongs to the present, Because those videos are online and immortal on the internet, and Will never go away. I dont wanna go outside, because i am afraid someone will regonize me from those videos. I just cant live like this... my girlfriend left me, Because she cant handle my suicide thoughts anymore... She was all i got, i loved her so much. I just want it all to go away. I wish i never went on webcam, but now i see no way out of this... I just want to die and stop the pain, please help

 

Imnothere
Posts: 26
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:58 am

Re: Help, i cant take this pain

Postby Imnothere » Sun Oct 29, 2017 2:06 am

I'd love to say something like "everyone has a past," but that alone wouldn't be of much help, would it?

When I was in college I took a criminal psychology class, and there was a discussion over "what if your nudes were leaked online and you started receiving bothersome messages." If I remember correctly, one of the best responses approved by our professor was, "What do you want?"
Based on the cases he had handled (he was a retired cop) that would work 99% of the time. He said when you ask that, they wouldn't give a direct answer because they would feel guilty whether they were aware or not. What we do is to ask further (DO NOT provide the answer even if you know it, for example if you are aware they mention the vid because they want money, don't say it), push that faint sense of guilt, make it surface, make them recognize their ugly motive. Then they will most likely back off, but if they don't, you call the cops and let the professionals handle them.
In addition, I don't know where you live, but if it's possible to get plastic surgery, you might want to give it a thought. (No need to, like, make yourself totally different. A few slight changes would be all you need to say, "Nah, that's just someone who looks like me.")

Technical solutions aside, IMHO it's time you see a counselor/therapist. Once something goes online there is no recalling (remember when Jennifer Lawrence's nudes got leaked?), and regardless of whether people recognize you or not, the burden is already crushing you, so what you need now is a coping strategy, and a counselor/therapist can help you with that.

Dyreal95
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 28, 2017 11:28 am

Re: Help, i cant take this pain

Postby Dyreal95 » Sun Oct 29, 2017 6:05 am

I know you are trying to help, but plastic surgery??? Are you kidding me???

Imnothere
Posts: 26
Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:58 am

Re: Help, i cant take this pain

Postby Imnothere » Sun Oct 29, 2017 9:09 am

No, I was not joking. I'm sorry if you took offense in that, but I myself have considered that in the first year after I quit working in law enforcement, feeling insecure because I had made too many enemies (most of whom were already vicious criminals).

Whatever suggestions you receive, the choice is yours. Above anything else, I still think you could benefit from counseling/therapy. Check if there is something like a mental health hotline in your area if you don't know where to start.


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