Cant control my mind

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Lostgirl
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 3:42 pm

Cant control my mind

Postby Lostgirl » Thu Oct 26, 2017 11:47 pm

My boyfriend cheated on me after 4 years. I forgave him because i believe that our relationship is much bigger than his actions that night. He is regretful, came clean on his own accord, and he paid for couples therapy for a while. Now its been 7 months but i still struggle frequently. Most days i am okay because i know i get to see him at the end of the day. But when i work until 5, and he goes into work at 5, i have wait for him to get off around 10 at night to see him. Sometimes when he calls and says hes going out with his friends instead of coming home to me, i find myself getting anxious and upset. I try to hide it bc i know its irrational and i need to have trust. I know i need to be comfortable letting him have his own life but when he calls to say hes not coming home i find myself very depressed. I want to trust and move on. I wanna forget. I know he loves me but i felt that confident when he cheated too, so i question where his true feelings lie almost daily. When i bring it up to him for validation he gets mad that i still cant trust him and says its annoying to ask so often if he still loves me. He says if i cant feel his love then we wont work bc he doesnt know how else he can show me. Its valid because he does generally spend all his off time with me and has trued so hard to be a good man for me aside from this incident. But when he doesnt invite me to hang with his friends i sit at him and I cant keep my mind off it. My stomach sits in knots and it feels like im drowning. I want to trust him more than anything but when it comes down to it, i dont kmow if i can. i cant help but feel resentful when he chooses last min plans to get drunk at bars over time with me when ive been waiting for him to come home for hours. And i know he resents me for making him choose between missing out and upsetting me. Please tell me how i can be better. I hate who ive become.

Ravitox
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2017 12:49 am

Re: Cant control my mind

Postby Ravitox » Fri Oct 27, 2017 2:56 am

Hey, as much as you depend on him, he may depend on you as well! As much as you need his love, he may need yours. Communication is a strong building block to any relationship, so if you're ever really lost, you can always start by telling him how much you care for him and how important he is to you. Trust is a slow process comes with a lot of communication, and it may very well be that some chinks need to be worked out still. Perhaps a balance of time with friends and time when it's just the two of you will be reached. It is alright that there's doubt or fear in a relationship, because no relationship is perfect.

JackieJ
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 5:59 pm

Re: Cant control my mind

Postby JackieJ » Sun Oct 29, 2017 6:26 pm

It sounds like you have not really healed from the injury that you experienced when your boyfriend first cheated on you. Time doesn't really heal deep wounds. You never said how or why couples therapy ended. If you still have issues, have you thought about returning to couples therapy? Communication is key, but sometimes it requires a neutral party to see patterns and give tools for healthy communication. Your lack of trust is not the only problem. His going out and getting drunk is something else that should be addressed. His drunkenness could be a way to mask other issues that he is not dealing with. A good book to read is Boundaries in Dating.

GraceH
Posts: 31
Joined: Thu Aug 31, 2017 9:52 pm
Location: US

Re: Cant control my mind

Postby GraceH » Sun Oct 29, 2017 10:16 pm

Lostgirl wrote:My boyfriend cheated on me after 4 years. I forgave him because i believe that our relationship is much bigger than his actions that night. He is regretful, came clean on his own accord, and he paid for couples therapy for a while. Now its been 7 months but i still struggle frequently. Most days i am okay because i know i get to see him at the end of the day. But when i work until 5, and he goes into work at 5, i have wait for him to get off around 10 at night to see him. Sometimes when he calls and says hes going out with his friends instead of coming home to me, i find myself getting anxious and upset. I try to hide it bc i know its irrational and i need to have trust. I know i need to be comfortable letting him have his own life but when he calls to say hes not coming home i find myself very depressed. I want to trust and move on. I wanna forget. I know he loves me but i felt that confident when he cheated too, so i question where his true feelings lie almost daily. When i bring it up to him for validation he gets mad that i still cant trust him and says its annoying to ask so often if he still loves me. He says if i cant feel his love then we wont work bc he doesnt know how else he can show me. Its valid because he does generally spend all his off time with me and has trued so hard to be a good man for me aside from this incident. But when he doesnt invite me to hang with his friends i sit at him and I cant keep my mind off it. My stomach sits in knots and it feels like im drowning. I want to trust him more than anything but when it comes down to it, i dont kmow if i can. i cant help but feel resentful when he chooses last min plans to get drunk at bars over time with me when ive been waiting for him to come home for hours. And i know he resents me for making him choose between missing out and upsetting me. Please tell me how i can be better. I hate who ive become.

********************

Going back and staying in couple's therapy would benefit you both great, and help you tremendously.
Love Above All Else

Jayni
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:47 am

Re: Cant control my mind

Postby Jayni » Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:12 am

There is no reason to hate yourself for this. It's valid for it to take a long time to rebuild that trust. And he should be understanding of that. His going out and drinking apart from you is a valid reason for you to feel the way you do. If your relationship is the priority he would be more concerned about how you're doing than partying and acting single. Don't let him make you feel that the issue now is you alone. If he's committed to you he should go back into counseling and maybe curtail his partying. Boundaries in Dating is a good book for you to read. You need support from healthy people. Don't sit at home while he's out so that your mind runs amok. Find another activity to get your mind involved in - take a class, see a movie. Above all, remember that you're a wonderful woman who deserves someone who thinks so, too.


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