When will I be free?
Posted: Sat Oct 21, 2017 8:19 am
I've never taken into consideration this. Writing about my problems. Where people can see. But I can't handle this. Not anymore.
I'm writing to you, crying, because I need help. I want to be free. But...how can I? I thought I was getting better, until two hours ago, when my thoughts, my old thoughts, came again.
I tried to kill myself. More than twice. Always failed. I know...it sounds a little bit stupid to try so many times to end your life, but never succeed. The truth is that I've never had enough courage to finish it. When I cut myself, I couldn't hurt myself seriously enough. When I took pills, I ended in hospital, but I didn't die.
So here I am. Again. In the same situation. And I am so afraid. I don't want to die. But I can't control myself. I just can't. It's like...like someone is controlling me. My monsters. My demons. My thoughts.
People keep saying that I did what I did for attention. Please. Understand. I couldn't control myself. I do not need their attention. I only need to be free. I am not writing this to receive attention. I am writing this because I have hope. I really hope that I can be fixed. By someone. Maybe by you.
I've always thought that suicide is an act that only a selfish person can do. So...yes. I feel like I am the most selfish person that you will ever have the chance to meet. But I can't help it. I do not know how to be different. I hate myself because I am like this and this is the main reason why my thoughts came.
How can I be confident? How can I like myself, just the way I am?....
Please. I do not have the words that can explain what I feel.
Help me.
I'm writing to you, crying, because I need help. I want to be free. But...how can I? I thought I was getting better, until two hours ago, when my thoughts, my old thoughts, came again.
I tried to kill myself. More than twice. Always failed. I know...it sounds a little bit stupid to try so many times to end your life, but never succeed. The truth is that I've never had enough courage to finish it. When I cut myself, I couldn't hurt myself seriously enough. When I took pills, I ended in hospital, but I didn't die.
So here I am. Again. In the same situation. And I am so afraid. I don't want to die. But I can't control myself. I just can't. It's like...like someone is controlling me. My monsters. My demons. My thoughts.
People keep saying that I did what I did for attention. Please. Understand. I couldn't control myself. I do not need their attention. I only need to be free. I am not writing this to receive attention. I am writing this because I have hope. I really hope that I can be fixed. By someone. Maybe by you.
I've always thought that suicide is an act that only a selfish person can do. So...yes. I feel like I am the most selfish person that you will ever have the chance to meet. But I can't help it. I do not know how to be different. I hate myself because I am like this and this is the main reason why my thoughts came.
How can I be confident? How can I like myself, just the way I am?....
Please. I do not have the words that can explain what I feel.
Help me.