Military Brat
Posted: Sat Aug 05, 2017 12:11 pm
I feel so suffocated.[b][/b]
I'm the daughter of an Army officer...the military environment has been my home my whole life. And I hate it. I hate moving, I hate goodbyes, I hate that no one cares that much. But I especially hate being left out. When I was 12 my mother suffered from depression as my dad was deployed in Iraq. Everyone in my house cried alone, me in my room, my sister in hers and I know my mom did too, she would say insane things like "We are all going to be orphans! Abandoned by your father!" I knew my dad could die...
I feel like I have dealt with this pretty well...but ever since I was 14 my mother began being emotionally abusive and occasionally hurt me physically too. My dad wouldn't really live with us, he deployed 4 more times after Iraq. I was stressed, my mother wasn't helping, and I felt alone. I've never had a strong relationship with my extended family, none of them live in the same continent as me. At 18 I started being severely depressed...I've been depressed since 12, but the older I grew the more I felt it. I was in an abusive relationship with a soldier...he allowed me to see things, pictures of corpses...I accidentally saw something from my dad's computer when I was 14 so I thought it was normal. My best friend, another soldier, showed me more pictures, this time of people he had shot. Heads wide open, brain matter splattered around in a car I would never recognize. I'm full...I could talk for days about my past, I'm 24 now and I don't have a dependent's I.D. anymore. I can't go on a military base anymore (if not with a sponsor). I can't say I feel like a civilian, I can't say I feel like a soldier...I'm definitely not that. I live in Italy, my father's american...I can't decide which nationality I feel closer to (but I don't mind that). What I mind is that the only environment that I felt was my home is now gone. All of those experiences now live in me, I have no proof, I can't talk to all those friends I don't have anymore (because they're gone or married or I simply can't find them anymore since they don't live here near me). The places where I've experienced those things are gone (either the base doesn't exist or simply I can't access the building anymore). My home, which I didn't like all that much...it was only my only option at a time in my life...is gone.
My sexuality was always suffocated, men tried to take my virginity and use me sexually.
Here I am, with new civilian friends that don't understand. I feel the love, I really do, but maybe I felt it more back then? Around my military friends? I can't tell what love is...I have a hard time feeling altogether. I want to die, because if I close my eyes and remember the violence of once upon a time, no one understands. My voice is taken away...those who could understand me don't use a lot of empathy, and the ones I wish could understand, simply don't.
I don't know what do to anymore...I miss the past, but I also don't because with it lies too many tears and worries. What's happening to me?
I'm the daughter of an Army officer...the military environment has been my home my whole life. And I hate it. I hate moving, I hate goodbyes, I hate that no one cares that much. But I especially hate being left out. When I was 12 my mother suffered from depression as my dad was deployed in Iraq. Everyone in my house cried alone, me in my room, my sister in hers and I know my mom did too, she would say insane things like "We are all going to be orphans! Abandoned by your father!" I knew my dad could die...
I feel like I have dealt with this pretty well...but ever since I was 14 my mother began being emotionally abusive and occasionally hurt me physically too. My dad wouldn't really live with us, he deployed 4 more times after Iraq. I was stressed, my mother wasn't helping, and I felt alone. I've never had a strong relationship with my extended family, none of them live in the same continent as me. At 18 I started being severely depressed...I've been depressed since 12, but the older I grew the more I felt it. I was in an abusive relationship with a soldier...he allowed me to see things, pictures of corpses...I accidentally saw something from my dad's computer when I was 14 so I thought it was normal. My best friend, another soldier, showed me more pictures, this time of people he had shot. Heads wide open, brain matter splattered around in a car I would never recognize. I'm full...I could talk for days about my past, I'm 24 now and I don't have a dependent's I.D. anymore. I can't go on a military base anymore (if not with a sponsor). I can't say I feel like a civilian, I can't say I feel like a soldier...I'm definitely not that. I live in Italy, my father's american...I can't decide which nationality I feel closer to (but I don't mind that). What I mind is that the only environment that I felt was my home is now gone. All of those experiences now live in me, I have no proof, I can't talk to all those friends I don't have anymore (because they're gone or married or I simply can't find them anymore since they don't live here near me). The places where I've experienced those things are gone (either the base doesn't exist or simply I can't access the building anymore). My home, which I didn't like all that much...it was only my only option at a time in my life...is gone.
My sexuality was always suffocated, men tried to take my virginity and use me sexually.
Here I am, with new civilian friends that don't understand. I feel the love, I really do, but maybe I felt it more back then? Around my military friends? I can't tell what love is...I have a hard time feeling altogether. I want to die, because if I close my eyes and remember the violence of once upon a time, no one understands. My voice is taken away...those who could understand me don't use a lot of empathy, and the ones I wish could understand, simply don't.
I don't know what do to anymore...I miss the past, but I also don't because with it lies too many tears and worries. What's happening to me?