I feel so suffocated.[b][/b]
I'm the daughter of an Army officer...the military environment has been my home my whole life. And I hate it. I hate moving, I hate goodbyes, I hate that no one cares that much. But I especially hate being left out. When I was 12 my mother suffered from depression as my dad was deployed in Iraq. Everyone in my house cried alone, me in my room, my sister in hers and I know my mom did too, she would say insane things like "We are all going to be orphans! Abandoned by your father!" I knew my dad could die...
I feel like I have dealt with this pretty well...but ever since I was 14 my mother began being emotionally abusive and occasionally hurt me physically too. My dad wouldn't really live with us, he deployed 4 more times after Iraq. I was stressed, my mother wasn't helping, and I felt alone. I've never had a strong relationship with my extended family, none of them live in the same continent as me. At 18 I started being severely depressed...I've been depressed since 12, but the older I grew the more I felt it. I was in an abusive relationship with a soldier...he allowed me to see things, pictures of corpses...I accidentally saw something from my dad's computer when I was 14 so I thought it was normal. My best friend, another soldier, showed me more pictures, this time of people he had shot. Heads wide open, brain matter splattered around in a car I would never recognize. I'm full...I could talk for days about my past, I'm 24 now and I don't have a dependent's I.D. anymore. I can't go on a military base anymore (if not with a sponsor). I can't say I feel like a civilian, I can't say I feel like a soldier...I'm definitely not that. I live in Italy, my father's american...I can't decide which nationality I feel closer to (but I don't mind that). What I mind is that the only environment that I felt was my home is now gone. All of those experiences now live in me, I have no proof, I can't talk to all those friends I don't have anymore (because they're gone or married or I simply can't find them anymore since they don't live here near me). The places where I've experienced those things are gone (either the base doesn't exist or simply I can't access the building anymore). My home, which I didn't like all that much...it was only my only option at a time in my life...is gone.
My sexuality was always suffocated, men tried to take my virginity and use me sexually.
Here I am, with new civilian friends that don't understand. I feel the love, I really do, but maybe I felt it more back then? Around my military friends? I can't tell what love is...I have a hard time feeling altogether. I want to die, because if I close my eyes and remember the violence of once upon a time, no one understands. My voice is taken away...those who could understand me don't use a lot of empathy, and the ones I wish could understand, simply don't.
I don't know what do to anymore...I miss the past, but I also don't because with it lies too many tears and worries. What's happening to me?
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
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