This is me, I guess.

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Forumsforforums
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 1:42 am

This is me, I guess.

Postby Forumsforforums » Mon Jul 10, 2017 9:18 pm

This is hard for me, even if its anonymous. Reaching for help is the hardest thing for me to do, especially because I feel like I don't deserve it. I've read countless articles on this forum describing the trauma and piercing pain that people have experienced and I truly feel for them. I don't feel like I'm worthy of being diagnosed with depression, which is why I don't ask or expect help.

I've been dealing with depression since I can remember. Most of my memories are shrouded by dark clouds and maroons tinged sunsets. My father was and is still at times a very angry man. I had no interest in school or extracurricular activities. I'd purposely isolate myself from the other kids and was confounded by their obliviousness. How could you be so blissfuly ignorant to the fact that nothing has meaning. Death erases accomplishments, mistakes, even emptiness itself so why even try?

My grades and social skills were abysmal and being home was no better. My father used to believe that I was a complete and utter disappointment and was never shy in calling me stupid, useless, and idiotic and every now and then would beat me, evidently enough to draw some blood. My only perception of solace lied within my mind, which I now I know is the farthest thing from it. I was constantly dealing with existential crises and hid within my own thoughts. Besides school and blankly staring at nothing at home I was enrolled in swimming lessons at a private center around my neighborhood. One day as everyone had begun to leave the water I fell backwards into the deep-end of the people and start to sink. I didn't try, my limbs didn't even twitch in despair. I nearly let myself drown but luckily my swimming instructor dove into the water and resuscitated me. I hated myself and I still do.

As middle school approached I suddenly became a changed man. My grades ascended and I took a special interest in music. Seventh grade came quickly and with it the realization that I was attracted to men, that I was gay. I immediately buried my feelings deep enough that I couldn't reach them and condemned myself to a life alone. Eighth grade had arrived and once again I felt the bittersweet breath of depression collide against the nape of my neck. I had completely given up. My grades had once again plummeted and my self-harming thoughts had become my best and only friend. My parents were confounded by my sudden lack of interest in anything and were more infuriated than concerned. Although this time I had started to cut myself with kitchen knives, and with every stroke, every time that it'd make contact with my skin, id feel relief.

High school had arrived and the cutting had gradually become religious to me. I started to become afraid and comfortable with being alone. Halfway though freshman year, I had finally made a few friends and the cutting and depression had temporarily subsided. I'd successfully continued suppressing any sexual urges, and fully convinced myself that I didn't really want anyone. Just as quickly as it had begun high school school had ended, I limited my socializing to within school walls and directly went home and confined my self to reading, watching anime and horror movies.

Once again, immediately after high school everything had fallen apart. I was so deeply swallowed by my depression, I stopped attending classes at my college. I couldn't pull myself out of bed and was constantly either exhausted or asleep. Every day was cloudy and I had begun to hurt myself again. I had also finally started dating guys, although because of it I had become obsessed with finding someone to fill in the emptiness in my chest which felt endless. I felt so empty, as if the hole in my chest was going to swallow me hole. I wanted to die, I wanted release from constantly feeling homesick at home, feeling starved of love but suffocated when I had it. Something as simple as existing had become completely foreign to me.

After a few months off from school, I've finally comeback and I'm ready to start and finish my education but I'm terrified. Im terrified of starting over to only collapse again. Im scared because I already feel that gaping, concave hole in my chest expanding again. Im scared because honestly I missed it. Im scared because I don't know how to live without it.

Im here because I need someone who understands me, someone who I can speak to. Im hurting so much, all I need is a friend right now.

Quartz
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 5:54 pm

Re: This is me, I guess.

Postby Quartz » Tue Jul 11, 2017 6:07 pm

A lot of what you wrote really resonates with me. I hear you. The feeling of knowing that it is possible for things to take a downturn is so hard. We also know that it is possible for things to be good for varying lengths of time. One of the things that keeps me hopeful is that many things and feelings are temporary, and that there can and will be good times.
I'm hurting, in a downswing right now, too. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time in 4 years today. I finally built up to making it happen after struggling for too long. I hope it will be productive.
I give you a lot of credit for persevering. When do you begin classes again?


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