New here, need to tell my story

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CorvaNocta
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 10:21 pm
Location: Richmond

New here, need to tell my story

Postby CorvaNocta » Sun Jul 02, 2017 10:51 pm

Hi everyone! I'm very new to this site, relatively new to the idea of getting help for how I feel, but not new at all to my feelings. Before I go any further, I want to mention that I am typing this on my phone, so there may be some spelling mistakes but I'll do my best to catch them.

So a quick bit about me, I'm a 27 year old male, been moving around a bit over the last few years but I've finally settled into a city I love (Richmond) I've had my share of battles in the past, but recently things have started to get more intense and I figure I should start reaching out.

Its hard to pick where to start with everything that is going on, but I figure the biggest and oldest is probably where I should begin. A little over 6 years ago I fell in love with a woman, smart, strong, beautiful, kind, and a bunch of smaller details that literally made her the definition of my dream girl. As it turned out, I had a lot of qualities she really liked too. We were soul mates, no doubt about it.

About 6 years ago she passed away in a car crash. I've been torn in half ever since that day, everything changed. Naturally I went through a lot of grieving. Suicide was a constant daily battle for a very long time. Even years later, I still think about her often. Even though I have supposedly "moved on" (which is a terrible phrase btw) I still have days when my sadness becomes too heavy. I just lie on the floor and can't move, I don't want to move. The intense loneliness mixed with missing a person makes it very difficult to want to keep going, especially when the thoughts of knowing I'll see her again once my life ends, makes some days extrenely difficult to get through.

After a few years, things seemed to get easier for me. I was less depressed from mourning, and became more active. I have had a few relationships since then with varying degrees of success. They definitely helped keep the darkness and loneliness at bay. I don't believe that a new relationship will fix the hole from my old one, but being with someone who loves and cares for you helps far more than anything else.

Recently, within the past year or two, things have started to get worse again. I've been having more anxiety despite trying to get out into the world more. I've been developing a sort of ocd nature because keeping myself busy cleaning keeps my mind and my heart away from the pain. Thankfully I have kept myself away from drugs and alcohol, but ita mostly because I fear them and what they would do to me.

Its been harder for me to sleep, harder to get up in the morning. I've been trying, quite unsuccessfully, for about a year to find love and I conatantly feel like no one wants me. That I'm either so average that no one notices me, or that I'm weird so no one wants to try to know me. And not just with relationships, it feels like this is the case all the time. And I know I am a nerdy guy, so I have the ability to come off as a little weird, but I don't know how to "fix" it (I know its not something that is broken about me, just different) It has all been coalescing a lot more recently, and I don't know what to do except keep trying to move forward.

I find myself in a constant duality of wanting to be with someone who wants to be with me, and missing who I once had.

If anyone has any encouragement, or general advice, or anything at all really I will be happy for it. Thanks for taking the time to read it all, I know it was a long post.

littlestarsmum
Posts: 101
Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: New here, need to tell my story

Postby littlestarsmum » Mon Jul 03, 2017 11:48 pm

Welcome aboard, friend!
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and your struggles. I appreciate your willingness to share your story and reach out for help. My heart goes out to you at this time. I recently lost my dad and I know how difficult and painful it must be for you to go through this. I just said a prayer for you, asking God to surround you with His comfort and peace. Have you considered talking to caring professional counselor? Is there any support group in your locality? Remember that you deserve to feel better and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. You can always share your heart out and we’re here to support you. I know it’s not easy right now, but stay strong. Sending prayers & wishing you well!


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