So unsure anymore

[alliam]

Hi just started on this site.
Im not even sure how to begin. Im in a situation that I just don't know what to do about. Im definitely stuck between knowing what I need to do and being unable to do it. I have passed the age of wanting to be the problem solver to now needing a problem solver.
My husband who is a wonderful human that I really don't have any issues with except his out of town work that takes him away for weeks at a time and limits our ability to communicate is definitely my happy place when he's home.
However we have others that live in our home , closely related to us, that make this an unhappy place when he's gone. The grown kids I can tolerate most of the time but, I'm really anxious for them to start their own life at their own residence. Its going to happen but probably not as quick as I wish it could.
My mom however is a different story...You see I have never really bonded with her in my entire life. She's not really mean or abusive now, but in my younger days she was emotionally void where I was concerned. I feel a sense of obligation towards her but only because she is my mom and for no other reason.
I do not enjoy her presence and really try to avoid her every chance I can possibly get away with it. To the extent of I will leave the house if no one else is home but her. Just so I don't have to converse with her one on one.
Chances are zero that she is going to leave anytime before one of us dies. She has no money except a very small ss check and none of my siblings are even willing to discuss even a week end visit so I can get a break from her. My husband pays for everything except her toiletries and basic necessities. He has no problem doing that. What he does have a hard time doing is...seeing me , his wife, go through a drastic personality change at her very presence here.
Ive gone from happy , energetic, easy going and productive to unhappy, elusive, reclusive, silently angry and resentful. Im not me when she's here. She goes no where most every single day, waits for me to tell her dinner is ready EVERY day before she will come eat. Ugh does things that drive me totally insane but will argue on how they are no big deal and shouldn't be driving me crazy and discusses the past that believe me she's not entitled to discuss because of her actions back then. She believes she was mother and wife of the year and that all of us just adore her and want to do everything for her. When the truth is directly the total opposite. It just pushes me over an edge when I hear her telling my aunts what we do for her . Its not voluntary but more obligatory. We can't just leave her out in the street. But its really getting very difficult to keep this obligation and find happiness...any words of wisdom would be so very cherished on this end.
Thank you if you were nice enough to read the longest post quite possibly ever...

[ledger]

I know how you feel. I live with my parents, who think they were the best parents when I was growing up, but were also void as you said about your mother. It used to be that I was never happy when my parents were around

I'm not saying that I can help, but what I can say is that things have gotten better for me after I started to be Christian. I can say that one of the things that has helped me is the importance of trying to be nice to people, even if they are not nice to me. It has not only helped me in dealing with my parents, but it has also helped me be a better friend to my friends

[JLM1980]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this situation at home. It is wonderful that you have taken on the duty of taking care of your aging mother. I used to work as a geriatric social worker and recognize the compassion fatigue that comes when caring for a loved one. Something that you may look into if your husband or siblings is on board is respite care at a local nursing home or possibly have a home healthcare agency come in. It sounds like she is able to be on her own but not able to make meals and do other activities?

Also, if you could find some support from other sources other than your husband since he works away so much. Is there a church that you could get involved with close by? Maybe join a women's bible study where you could meet other women and get some socialization and support? Or possibly trying some activities at the local recreation center or senior center(If this applies)? If things continue to be difficult to endure, possibly speaking to a counselor? Here is a phone number that you can speak to a counselor or get referrals in your area: FOTH Counseling Line (855) 382-5433. Also, here is a link for a radio program that you may find helpful :http://jimdaly.focusonthefamily.com/caring-elderly-parents-grace-honor/?refcd+377001&nosplash=1&utm_source=forums&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=forums2016

[charliegirl816]

I can empathize with you..... What Ledger said about being a Christian (or whatever faith based belief) can give you the strength to work through the feelings you have for your Mother. Long story short, my Mother passed away from bone cancer and my step father was not faithful nor the husband she deserved. Three years after my Mother passed, I left a career job and moved back to my home town because my step-father's home was foreclosed because he didn't make the payments. I felt it was my obligation to help him, believing it was what my Mother would have wanted. I found out he had Alcoholic Dementia after the fact. (Lost his license for DUI). I resented his attitude, like it wasn't a big deal for me to move back. He never once has acknowledged or thanked me for giving up my job to help him. So I too have felt resentment toward him and would keep to myself when ever possible - doing much as you have.

However, it took me over a year to realize that the resentment I had toward him was by "my choice - my feelings" not his. I made the decision to move back, so it was time I took responsibility for my feelings too. It's my faith in God that has taught me to forgive him for all the things he did or didn't do, to let go of the past and realize I made the choice to be here for him. He still has an attitude about living with me, 20 miles out of town and will cop an attitude about something, but again it's my choice not to react to his attitude. Overall he is a pretty happy person, so I thank God for that...

Forgiving your Mother for whatever did or didn't happen will be the beginning to finding peace again. It takes time and being able to get stuff off your chest with a friend will help you deal with things that come up. Ultimately it's your choice.