Life is.......going

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

Xoxoloveyalots
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Apr 02, 2017 11:24 pm

Life is.......going

Postby Xoxoloveyalots » Sun Apr 02, 2017 11:47 pm

For as long as I can remember, I was always a happy child. I loved to make friends, school, and most of all my family. I was raised in a very strict household by my father. Bless him because he raised three girls by himself, even now he is still one of the people I look up to most in life. When I entered high school I began to notice that the smile that used to come so easy was more forced. I had moved in with my mother for the first time in my life and should have been happy to finally get to know her. But the more she tried to get to know me the more I pulled away. I couldn't find the emotions to make the connection with her. I tried to talk to my father about this but he brushed it off as being a teenager and that I would come around. My older sister was living her life how she thought she should, and no one seemed concerned for her. My mother divorced her husband and decided to move to Texas, she left me to survive by myself. When I was 17 my older sister decided to take drugs out at a night club. I will always remember the phone call I got at 5 in the morning saying I needed to come to the hospital immediately as my sister had overdosed. I don't remember getting to the hospital but I remember walking in those doors and seeing her laying there so lonely in the hospital bed. The doctors said she would wake up in a little bit and to just go wait in the lobby. Turns out she didn't overdose, she had a heart attack which led to a brain aneurysm. She bled out into her brain while doctors did nothing but leave her by herself in a hospital room. I had to make the phone calls to my mother and father when they officially announced that she was brain dead. Me and my sister had always been close as we were raised together, we were only a year and a half apart in age. Something snapped in me the moment they brought her out of surgery (she was an organ donor). There was my 18 year old sister who dreamed about having children and a family, who would never get to do any of those things. I would never get to hear her voice again, or laugh at her stupid attempt at jokes. When I went home after her memorial, I crawled into bed and my body gave out. I finally understood what people where saying that it was physically impossible to move. The weight of the loss was to much to bear, I proceeded to not leave bed for 6 months. I couldn't function properly it felt that life wasn't right in any way. I finally came around when I noticed that my very long hair was so tangled that no brush or comb could fix it, so I cut all my hair off and sat on the floor and sobbed. Everyone was worried for me, but no one stepped up to say anything or even ask me how I was. So I decided if no one cared how I was, I was gonna fake being happy, my father asked me to be strong for him and I have a weak spot for him. So the fake smile came back and I returned to what everyone said was a normal life. I still do it now, when people ask me personal details of my life I give them the bare minimum and leave it at that, people around say they care but I don't believe they do. So I'll continue with the fake smile until I can't do it anymore. The last episode was during my recent move of states, I had a blow up in a rest area bathroom. I couldn't find it in myself to fake it, and I ended up yelling/sobbing at my other sister who didn't do anything. She just looked at me and said nothing, why can't she understand that I need her to hear me? I just want her to understand I'm not okay, and I haven't been in some time. But I think I have faked it so long that it is my normal now. Do they even know what the real me is? Do I?

Helloraspberries1
Posts: 260
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: Life is.......going

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Mon Apr 03, 2017 4:12 pm

Hi there, I'm sorry you to hear about your sister. I can tell she was a big part of your life. I don't know what your going through right now. I just hope we can someone try and help and make things a little less uneasy for you.

You mentioned alot there about your family and being at school. Sounds like you had a really good child hood at the beginning. Most people can't say that they have so you can say you have.

I believe things must of went wrong at the time you moved away. Did you feel anxious moving somewhere knew? Was it because you never met your mum and wasn't sure how things will go? Having a big change in your life can ever make you or break you. For your dad to of done that may of not been the right choice for you as his daughter to not know you as good as he thought.

Now you have experienced what's happened. It seems like you can't move on. Is this because of your sister? I get it if it is.

As time has gone on I'm not sure if your coping better or not but please anytime you feel down or have bad thoughts then please come back and talk to us.

I don't know if your receiving any treatment but it maybe a good idea to go to your doctor surgery and make an appointment with them. They could put you in touch with support groups or bereavement counselling.

I hope you find this has been some use and please do stay in touch.

Hugs

Helloraspberries1

Jstar845
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2017 7:45 pm

Re: Life is.......going

Postby Jstar845 » Tue Apr 04, 2017 9:14 pm

I admire your tremendous strength. I am very sorry you experienced this. It’s understandable the pain associated with the loss of your beloved sister has been difficult for you. I know that you were mourning and this is how you expressed your feelings. There is nothing wrong with how you responded as this is not controlled. I am glad that your father was supportive and understood. However, I am sorry that your sister did not understand or was not more supportive of you. I know that you deserved to be comforted and understood at that time especially by the ones closest to you. I am inspired with how are dealing with this situation. Also, to answer your questions do people know who the real you is now; I know when we experience something no one can truly understand our feelings or emotions associated with our pain. I know that your sister and mother may or may not know how much you loved your sister as you mentioned you were very close to her. They may say they understand and know how you feel, but not know who you are right now by not understanding how you truly feel after the loss. I believe you know who you are, but you are coping with the loss in a way that you did not expect as no one can predict how a loss will be handled. I know it takes time before you can be yourself again and this is alright you need this time. It’s healthy to let it out and not let it build up. Please make sure you remain close to those friends and family for support at this time. Also, establish some healthy coping for yourself. Such as, journaling, mediation, exercise, pets, activities, regular eating, adequate sleep, or music. I’m praying for you and hoping for the best. We are here for you.

pam4him
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2016 9:49 pm

Re: Life is.......going

Postby pam4him » Wed Apr 05, 2017 9:50 pm

First, let me say what a strong person you are. Trials, while unpleasant at the time, make us stronger, and I admire your strength. It sounds like stressful situations take you back to a coping mechanism that has worked for you, of "fake it till I make it." That works for a while, but I hope you take time for yourself to adjust. You have certainly been handed a double share of hard knocks, but seem to have come through them overall quite well. It is okay to take breaks from family and allow yourself personal time to work through things. If it becomes too hard, maybe consider checking here for a counselor: https://ccn.thedirectorywidget.com/. True happiness comes from within and you seem to be on track towards that. Good luck and hang in there.


Return to “Your Story”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: bowlingthis and 435 guests